“Making amends” as a part of AA is leaving me feeling extremely fragile.

[CravingPeace]

Part of the Alcoholics Anonymous stepwork is making amends with the people we have wronged during my alcoholism. I finally reached this step a few weeks ago, and have been reaching out to everyone I can think of.

It is really hard admitting just how disgusting I was acting in my alcohol-induced mania. It is really just bringing up raw feelings of shame, guilt, and self-loathing. So many people in my graduate program extended a lot of grace to me and I took advantage of them. A faculty member literally bought me a house to live in after my mom kicked me out, and I drank in it. I threatened classmates and preceptors, trying to ruin their careers because they "crossed" me. My program director didn't kick me out even though she had every damn reason to. And all during a frightening time, the pandemic. I could go on and on.

And that is just in the period of 2020-2021. I got sober in 2022 but relapsed last year and did the same things at my previous workplace - belligerent threatening and scaring people, right after we had the first school shooting in my state, 5 minutes away from our clinic.

These memories are likely the biggest reason I want to CTB. When I'm sober as I am now, it's gut-wrenching to look back and see the scorched earth I left, people I hurt, and opportunities I lost. It's an evil feeling in my heart, I became so evil and insane. I can't go back and rewrite history. I just have to live with the fact that I destroyed everything.

And now I'm expected to just carry on and make a better life for myself. But these memories weigh heavily on me every day, and I can always fall back into it if I lose my sobriety. I just feel so broken and shameful. I really don't think I can live with these memories until a natural death.
I think this is really why I have to follow through with CTB plans. I simply cannot live with the memories. It was like an evil spirit took over and did disgusting things and I had no control. The memories haunt me and torture me. Ending my life is the only way to escape them.

 

[PurpleMorality]

I feel you. I'm also in AA, and the 9th step was the hardest step I ever had to take. The good news is that once you have made your amends, you can address the source of your wrongdoings and be better in the future. The shame you feel means you aren't just paying lip service to your wrongs. That doesn't make it suck any less of course. But everyone who has gotten to step 9 can relate, I'm pretty sure. We've all royally screwed up here.

 

[CravingPeace]

I feel you. I'm also in AA, and the 9th step was the hardest step I ever had to take. The good news is that once you have made your amends, you can address the source of your wrongdoings and be better in the future. The shame you feel means you aren't just paying lip service to your wrongs. That doesn't make it suck any less of course. But everyone who has gotten to step 9 can relate, I'm pretty sure. We've all royally screwed up here.

I just don't see how to live contently with this awful past constantly reminding me of the evil I've done. It's torture. No matter what I do to be better in the future, it will not remove these terrifying memories.

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

The fact that you feel so bad about it, that you feel this awful shame, is proof of how much you've improved. I know that doesn't make the shame and the mental burden go away, but please consider that a truly bad, rotten person wouldn't feel the guilt you're feeling now.

I know that therapy is treated with a lot of ire on this forum, but I honestly think that if you could find a good therapist, your situation is one that could really be helped by therapy. You have very painful emotions with a clear cause, and a skilled therapist could probably help you resolve some of that pain or at least lessen the pain those memories cause you.

Whatever path you decide, I hope you find relief from your anguish! <3

 

[deadbidaylight]

The fact that you feel so bad about it, that you feel this awful shame, is proof of how much you've improved. I know that doesn't make the shame and the mental burden go away, but please consider that a truly bad, rotten person wouldn't feel the guilt you're feeling now.

I know that therapy is treated with a lot of ire on this forum, but I honestly think that if you could find a good therapist, your situation is one that could really be helped by therapy. You have very painful emotions with a clear cause, and a skilled therapist could probably help you resolve some of that pain or at least lessen the pain those memories cause you.

Whatever path you decide, I hope you find relief from your anguish! <3

I agree with you that there are definitely good therapists out there. Sometimes it's finding the right one that meshes with you that makes a world of difference. They aren't all bad.

 

[Halfhourdays]

"No one escapes being haunted by something that absolutely terrifies them to the core, but very few feel it's okay to admit what it is that haunts us." -- Nicholas Brendon

Thank you for your post. Your complete honesty is refreshing. Kind of scary tbh.

What about your sponsor? Could he help?

 

[maniac116]

I have many years in recovery & I can only say that, yes, it can be intimidating but after you start it becomes easier & it feels like the right thing in the end. People don't go to AA who haven't done terrible acts at some point in their drinking careers.

 

[CravingPeace]

"No one escapes being haunted by something that absolutely terrifies them to the core, but very few feel it's okay to admit what it is that haunts us." -- Nicholas Brendon

Thank you for your post. Your complete honesty is refreshing. Kind of scary tbh.

What about your sponsor? Could he help?

He maybe could.. he's extremely old school and tends to lean towards advice like "well just make new AA friends and it will be better".. very textbook answers that seem a little superficial to me tbh..

Luckily I've got a session with my therapist tomorrow/today (it's early morning I woke up to pee lol). I'll definitely bring it up here.

 

[bhaloo]

AA is a joke and there is no such thing as amends. Sorry is the most useless word because people never accept it. The more you say Sorry the more they'll retaliate.

AA cult gives advice like making amends which is bound to fail and lead to self blame and guilt. This is the underlying principle guilt

Truth is guilt is useless … we have to accept that once things break they break. Once things are gone they gone. Moving on and moving away is the only solution.

 

[CravingPeace]

AA is a joke and there is no such thing as amends. Sorry is the most useless word because people never accept it. The more you say Sorry the more they'll retaliate.

AA cult gives advice like making amends which is bound to fail and lead to self blame and guilt. This is the underlying principle guilt

Truth is guilt is useless … we have to accept that once things break they break. Once things are gone they gone. Moving on and moving away is the only solution.

I mean I wholeheartedly disagree. I've made amends to practically everyone I mentioned in my original post and everyone was extremely kind and understanding. They may not want to be acquaintances again, but that's understandable. No one was rude about it. I'm just having a horrible time forgiving myself.

I'm sorry your experience with AA didn't work for you, but saying "there's no such thing as amends" doesn't line up with my experience.