Made mom cry

[cantdecidenameeven]

Closeted ex-muslim. Mom nags me to pray everyday, and a few minutes ago, she told me in a very shaky/almost crying voice that she only does that because she loves me, and is fearful I'll end up in hell for eternity. And that she goes to bed very sad everyday over me. I believe her.

If I were a better son I would've at least put on an act to make her feel better. But I just don't have it in me no more.

Acting requires much energy that I no longer posses. I can't even brush my teeth most days.....to do this dance 5 times a day forever is exhausting to even think about.

Even when I was a Muslim and believed in hell, I STILL couldn't bring myself to pray most days. It was like climbing a mountain while chained to the deep bottom of the ocean.

I have to mask even at my own home. I'm suffocating.

If I killed myself, everyone who was forced to love me will spend the rest of their days knowing I'm in hell. how can one cope with that? religion is cruel and I'm trapped.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I'm sorry.That sounds like a really tough position you are in. We all know masking sucks.
I have to say as a fellow very indecisive person, I like your name :)

 

[devils~advocate]

Its a trap and control mechanism for most people....I have Christian family members that feel the same way.
I know they will think the same things about me when the time comes.....about being in hell.....and not about whether I was in emotional or mental pain. They think evil can influence ones thoughts and deeds. That me thinking this way about myself is evil corrupting me.
I feel guilty already for putting them thru this mental torture in the future.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You are under no obligation to have to put on an act for her. You aren't bad for not wanting to spend your time pretending to be a devoted Muslim. I understand that your mom clearly cares for you but it is on her to accept your beliefs. While I understand not wanting to cause her or others distress it isn't on you to have to put up a front for their comfort. If their God is truly a merciful and forgiving one then they should have faith that Allah will understand where you are coming from and forgive you for your sins. Otherwise, I don't get the point in even being devoted to Allah in the first place (I understand that being a non-believer and suicide are considered sins in Islam, but I feel like a supposed loving, merciful, and forgiving God would probably not just send you to hell all willy-nilly for such mild bullshit).

It's shit like this that reminds me why I genuinely dislike religions. They are basically just large socially accepted cults. The chokehold they have on others is astounding. Then again, when you've been indoctrinated into believing something your whole life, it can be hard to get to a point where you feel comfortable with truly questioning those beliefs and teachings. Still, I sometimes feel like, at this point in time, religion has doing more to hold us back from progress rather than push us forward.

 

[Unbolted0605]

Hello. Obviously I can't imagine what it's like to be in your shoes, but there is a secular view of Islamic prayer as a kind of calisthenics with a meditative aspect.

I say this as an outsider looking in, maybe a bit Orientalising. If you asked me to participate in my national religion I'd look askance, even though I know the benefits of religion. And I know the struggle of mental / physical tiredness too. So I'm not saying to do or not do something, just offering some kind of balm about it I guess.

 

[Reflection]

You are under no obligation to have to put on an act for her. You aren't bad for not wanting to spend your time pretending to be a devoted Muslim. I understand that your mom clearly cares for you but it is on her to accept your beliefs. While I understand not wanting to cause her or others distress it isn't on you to have to put up a front for their comfort. If their God is truly a merciful and forgiving one then they should have faith that Allah will understand where you are coming from and forgive you for your sins. Otherwise, I don't get the point in even being devoted to Allah in the first place (I understand that being a non-believer and suicide are considered sins in Islam, but I feel like a supposed loving, merciful, and forgiving God would probably not just send you to hell all willy-nilly for such mild bullshit).

It's shit like this that reminds me why I genuinely dislike religions. They are basically just large socially accepted cults. The chokehold they have on others is astounding. Then again, when you've been indoctrinated into believing something your whole life, it can be hard to get to a point where you feel comfortable with truly questioning those beliefs and teachings. Still, I sometimes feel like, at this point in time, religion has doing more to hold us back from progress rather than push us forward.

Depending on where he lives, I'd understand why he'd feel like he has to keep putting on an act. Islam in particular is full of gaslighting, guilt tripping, fear mongering...and if all else fails, extreme violence and murder... Also devout muslims will literally use incredible mental gymnastics to defend actual rape, it's truly a lost cause for one person to handle. I personally found ways to live with it without conpromising how I'd want to live and I hope OP also finds a way out other than ctb.

 

[SVEN]

What a rotten position to find yourself in. When it comes to the feelings of a Divine being I can only say that if we fallible humans totally get the despair and pain which leads to suicide, surely any perfect Creator would as well.
As far as your family are concerned, dare I suggest that it's their own choice of beliefs which will lead to any distress they experience. You cannot be responsible for any distress they feel because of their convictions.
Very best wishes for getting through this.