Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Talked to a friend I hadn't in awhile about some fun creative projects.
Listened to music, read some books, watched a youtube/radio show... none of them really connected tbh but, I just kept flip flopping around until I was able to sleep.
Going to bed with such heavy self hatred/ toxic shame & RSD attacks is... a lot... it's actually incredibly depressing, destabilizing etc.
So yee... I just woke up. I dunno what I am going to do today. I had some goals/ideas but I'm not sure. Im tempted to stay in this self loathing but ik to keep going I gotta well "keep going"
It doesn't matter but I don't think my aunt even believed me regarding being a victim/survivor of human trafficking. It was weird. I mean why would I even lie about something like that... I've done a full on educational talk about it.
Done a video and table talk like?? But it's my fault for even trying to contact. Im not holding out any hope.
Anyway.... I feel like my friend was judging me on finances & for contacting my aunt..she was so silent it was just kinda weird. I don't feel like sharing much with her anymore or doing the gofundme thing. It doesn't really matter anyway. I don't even want to go to therapy much anymore. If I have a shitty bed that makes my body even more sore & no shower bar to hold myself up when I'm weak
whatever I guess. I do need those items. Installment even for the shower bar probs cost sooo much anyway.
I'm maybe just kinda tired of trying. It makes me sound pathetic. Broken record kinda thing but it's just how I feel right now.
I'm tired of hoping for change when I'm not even ready for it anyway. I'm not ready or able to handle my life. Like yeah I am a failure. I've been breaking down periodically for yrs. It was starting to change but seems like im.back in the same cycle
Try hard-Too much for one person-Suicidal- & repeat.
It makes me sad but it must be my fault for not... doing better somehow. Self compassion was higher yesterday. Its abysmal today.
It's easy to love myself until im exposed to the world & people.
I am so frustrated with recovery & life. I feel like im losing myself. I used to pray to my ancestors & started to do it more frequently but lately I'm like....
I guess jus so low that I don't even think they'd wanna hear from me either.
I gotta keep getting by. If I allow myself to wallow in this today well... I'm not gonna get anywhere. I might not shake any of these feelings today anyway but...... my thoughts are filled with Google searching the cost of my guitars... & selling.em to buy nitrogen set up.
Sooooo ima just try to do the opposite.
I am so unhappy. I don't even understand how it got like this.
I'm thinking of cutting again.... I will continue to try my best not to. Harming myself like that will just spiral.
Anyway... if im being honest, I'm jus kinda faking it. I was told by 2 cousins when I was a teenager to fake it till I make it regarding my "depression" I argued with em both on how horrible that is and not helpful for me..
But I guess rn I'm just faking it. Not sure if ima make it. Try to stay outta people in my life's way. That kinda thing.
So today's plans/ideas:
Print my grandmas photos & go buy frames & possibly some cinnamon for my altar.
Attend a group or 2
Wash my sheets & clothes
Clean the bathroom
Keep watermarking my photo's so I can make a social media page for my art.
Maybe do a new moon ritual with my friend or just do it alone.
Which reminds me (she's gonna ne spending the day with her parents) it's Father's day. I won't be calling my father. I want to but the kinda love or support is not found within him & I don't need anymore bad feelings rn. Life is kinda... incredibly sad that I can't even contact anyone in my family without heavy emotional damage and risking physical harm...
I'm ending this post crying my eyes out but gonna get moving by ordering the photos to be made & looking at frames.
Listened to music, read some books, watched a youtube/radio show... none of them really connected tbh but, I just kept flip flopping around until I was able to sleep.
Going to bed with such heavy self hatred/ toxic shame & RSD attacks is... a lot... it's actually incredibly depressing, destabilizing etc.
So yee... I just woke up. I dunno what I am going to do today. I had some goals/ideas but I'm not sure. Im tempted to stay in this self loathing but ik to keep going I gotta well "keep going"
It doesn't matter but I don't think my aunt even believed me regarding being a victim/survivor of human trafficking. It was weird. I mean why would I even lie about something like that... I've done a full on educational talk about it.
Done a video and table talk like?? But it's my fault for even trying to contact. Im not holding out any hope.
Anyway.... I feel like my friend was judging me on finances & for contacting my aunt..she was so silent it was just kinda weird. I don't feel like sharing much with her anymore or doing the gofundme thing. It doesn't really matter anyway. I don't even want to go to therapy much anymore. If I have a shitty bed that makes my body even more sore & no shower bar to hold myself up when I'm weak
whatever I guess. I do need those items. Installment even for the shower bar probs cost sooo much anyway. I'm maybe just kinda tired of trying. It makes me sound pathetic. Broken record kinda thing but it's just how I feel right now.
I'm tired of hoping for change when I'm not even ready for it anyway. I'm not ready or able to handle my life. Like yeah I am a failure. I've been breaking down periodically for yrs. It was starting to change but seems like im.back in the same cycle
Try hard-Too much for one person-Suicidal- & repeat.
It makes me sad but it must be my fault for not... doing better somehow. Self compassion was higher yesterday. Its abysmal today.
It's easy to love myself until im exposed to the world & people.
I am so frustrated with recovery & life. I feel like im losing myself. I used to pray to my ancestors & started to do it more frequently but lately I'm like....
I guess jus so low that I don't even think they'd wanna hear from me either. I gotta keep getting by. If I allow myself to wallow in this today well... I'm not gonna get anywhere. I might not shake any of these feelings today anyway but...
... my thoughts are filled with Google searching the cost of my guitars... & selling.em to buy nitrogen set up. Sooooo ima just try to do the opposite.
I am so unhappy. I don't even understand how it got like this.
I'm thinking of cutting again.... I will continue to try my best not to. Harming myself like that will just spiral.
Anyway... if im being honest, I'm jus kinda faking it. I was told by 2 cousins when I was a teenager to fake it till I make it regarding my "depression" I argued with em both on how horrible that is and not helpful for me..
But I guess rn I'm just faking it. Not sure if ima make it. Try to stay outta people in my life's way. That kinda thing.
So today's plans/ideas:
Print my grandmas photos & go buy frames & possibly some cinnamon for my altar.
Attend a group or 2
Wash my sheets & clothes
Clean the bathroom
Keep watermarking my photo's so I can make a social media page for my art.
Maybe do a new moon ritual with my friend or just do it alone.
Which reminds me (she's gonna ne spending the day with her parents) it's Father's day. I won't be calling my father. I want to but the kinda love or support is not found within him & I don't need anymore bad feelings rn. Life is kinda... incredibly sad that I can't even contact anyone in my family without heavy emotional damage and risking physical harm...
I'm ending this post crying my eyes out but gonna get moving by ordering the photos to be made & looking at frames.
