Seered Doom
A nihilist going through an unrelinquished Hell
- Sep 9, 2023
- 885
It's not easy to have a standard to oblige to, but at this point, what do I have to lose? If I'm honest; it's nothing. There's nothing to lose and by the same token, there's not much to gain either other than the slight relief of dopamine. So allow me to explain and hopefully you can indulge.
The type of things I have when it comes to relationships is often difficult to describe to just any rando normie on the street. I mean, imagine just going up to someone and admitting you can swing one way to glomping onto someone as if they're an amazing "can do no wrong" individual and the next moment, it could be complete utter whiplash. Basically not speaking to them for months on end or growing complete distaste and resentment for them. Sounds fucked up, doesn't it? Who'd want to be friends with someone like that, right? Why would anyone go through the potential pain from either feeling too suffocated or being hurt emotionally from not speaking to someone they saw as a close friend because they get cut off cold turkey.
Well, if I'm honest with you all, that's what I think in the back of my mind whenever I make any type of friend or get close to anyone offline. I wish I can control how my brain works so I don't get super obsessive or supremely vitriolic over the very minor things about people who I can and still do consider friends (as well as ex friends, exes, and other humans). The connections I have to others can be extremely black and white with barely a shade of grey or any other color. I can be extremely cold and closed off from others as well as be super chummy and clingy. It's so inconsistent, it even drives me nuts. People will think this is like borderline and I understand where that may be perceived. It's not though.
I am scared of others getting too close to me and I'm also afraid of being isolated from anyone and everyone. This is why I always preferred small groups maybe. I can have both at once. I can have someone to cling onto and when I need space, I can have it. Sometimes I'm just bitter, angry, envious, and jealous of everyone around me. Other times, I'm sad and downtrodden, just pleading to die. Sometimes, I'm hyper and want to rock and bounce. Then there's times when I'm stuck in a corner only pushing myself to really reflect and write. This is another reason why I want to ctb. The fact this attachment disorder is glaring and obvious, yet it seems like others glaze over it just to paint me as a bitch who only cares about themself is sickening. It just is.
The type of things I have when it comes to relationships is often difficult to describe to just any rando normie on the street. I mean, imagine just going up to someone and admitting you can swing one way to glomping onto someone as if they're an amazing "can do no wrong" individual and the next moment, it could be complete utter whiplash. Basically not speaking to them for months on end or growing complete distaste and resentment for them. Sounds fucked up, doesn't it? Who'd want to be friends with someone like that, right? Why would anyone go through the potential pain from either feeling too suffocated or being hurt emotionally from not speaking to someone they saw as a close friend because they get cut off cold turkey.
Well, if I'm honest with you all, that's what I think in the back of my mind whenever I make any type of friend or get close to anyone offline. I wish I can control how my brain works so I don't get super obsessive or supremely vitriolic over the very minor things about people who I can and still do consider friends (as well as ex friends, exes, and other humans). The connections I have to others can be extremely black and white with barely a shade of grey or any other color. I can be extremely cold and closed off from others as well as be super chummy and clingy. It's so inconsistent, it even drives me nuts. People will think this is like borderline and I understand where that may be perceived. It's not though.
I am scared of others getting too close to me and I'm also afraid of being isolated from anyone and everyone. This is why I always preferred small groups maybe. I can have both at once. I can have someone to cling onto and when I need space, I can have it. Sometimes I'm just bitter, angry, envious, and jealous of everyone around me. Other times, I'm sad and downtrodden, just pleading to die. Sometimes, I'm hyper and want to rock and bounce. Then there's times when I'm stuck in a corner only pushing myself to really reflect and write. This is another reason why I want to ctb. The fact this attachment disorder is glaring and obvious, yet it seems like others glaze over it just to paint me as a bitch who only cares about themself is sickening. It just is.
