.lvldown
Sam
- Dec 9, 2019
- 25
my life is actually ridiculous
I decided to finally be true to myself and accept that I am trans (ftm). I can't take it anymore I'm 27 and failed all of my attempts so why not I guess. Haven't told anyone yet but I cut my hair and stopped wearing makeup. I've felt this way my whole life but shoved it down and tried to swallow it.
My bf tells me he likes the hair and that I seem more like myself. He would more than likely support me but I'm just scared to come out bc I grew up in a very transphobic environment.
My bf and I will have been together for 6 years in January. I was on his phone late one night because mine died and idk what compelled me to look, but I decided to look at his dms and texts on a few apps. I shouldn't have but I did it anyways. I was just scrolling and looking at who he was talking to not really getting into the conversations until I saw one of the names. I clicked on it because I thought it was strange that he was talking to someone called "Pretty Boy" on the app. The person named themselves this, btw. This text convo is what made me open his other messages.
To add more context: my bf has a pos friend (Kyle, fake name), who constantly invites him out to drink. They get so drunk that my boyfriend frequently ends up wandering around the city, losing his shoes and shit. In the text messages between my bf and Kyle I found a bunch of receipts of someone accusing Kyle of being arepeat sadistic r*pist , and my bf was defending him and not even questioning him.
Kyle invited my bf out one day in 2023, I don't actually remember the day at all. Apparently I got invited out and declined, my bf went out. The texts between "pretty boy" and my bf reference that night.
"pretty boy" texts my boyfriend, calls him "baby boy" and "darling" and asks him how's he is feeling because of the heavy drinking night before. My bf responds saying thanks and doesn't correct him. Then "pretty boy" states that my bf was really out of it, and that he got super 'cuddly and touchy and cute'. My bf responds that he is sorry and asks for forgiveness, then "pretty boy" says it's okay and calls it 'platonic affection'.
If it was really platonic, why did my bf reach out to this person two more times a week later, asking for forgiveness once again?
I know for a fact that Kyle doesn't like me, he doesn't invite me out to hang with them anymore and neither does my boyfriend. I just know they would try to hide it from me, or call it platonic over texts in case I saw it. I don't trust Kyle or any of the people he hangs around with.
Ever since I cut my hair and stopped wearing makeup I've felt so much better, like I don't feel like an ugly girl anymore. Just a guy. Now I want it all to end again. I was finally discovering myself at 27 years old. I felt so happy for the first time in so fucking long. My bf told me he liked my hair alot even though it wasn't girly, and before I found those texts he was all over me sexually, he even tried (TMI)anal with me for the first time (consensually).
I thought my bf was affirming my gender and literally felt euphoric after, but now I feel like he was playing out a fucking roleplay fantasy when I cut my hair and started to try and look like myself, like a boy even tho I didn't tell him that's what I'm doing, like he's doing the things to me he wanted to with "pretty boy" or any other "real" man. My bf is bi but told me he's never been with a man.
it's too difficult to keep trying, I'll never be accepted, I'm so scared I'm just going to get fetishized. 'pretty boy' is an amab drag queen (self proclaimed femboy). I haven't even told him that I'm a man and he's already cheated on me with a real one.
I also found some other texts on his phone with his female coworkers (who are significantly younger than him -- 18/19year olds, he is 29). He is their supervisor, yet texts them on social media, sends them memes, engages in flirty dialog, frequently gives and receives rides home from work or bars. He always told me he was going out with his male coworkers, never female. Yet, in these convos he is clearly getting invited out and hanging with his female coworkers. And he would always brag to me about how the women in his department trust him over the other male supervisors and managers. I wonder why? probably because he has been going out and drinking with them behind my back for the past 2 years.
Idk what the point of this post is. I'm just so done, I feel like I'm in a fucking drama. And of course, today is my bfs birthday so I have to spend the day with him. idk what I'm supposed to do. I have no where to go. I don't know how to confront him. I have no one. I have no money. No job. He drinks so much he maxed my credit cards to buy beer. Most days I eat less than once a day. I have left our apartment less than a handful of times in the past two years because my depression has been so bad. I have nothing. I don't even want to look at him. I feel revulsed. All I do is lay in bed and cry and get reassurance from people online. I genuinely feel like I don't have a purpose, I am so unlovable. This isn't even the first man to cheat on me but I think this is going to make me keep spiraling right off the edge. I think I'm going to try to ctb again soon. I really wanted to try and get better but it is never worth it. It keeps getting worse.
I'm sorry if you read all that.
I decided to finally be true to myself and accept that I am trans (ftm). I can't take it anymore I'm 27 and failed all of my attempts so why not I guess. Haven't told anyone yet but I cut my hair and stopped wearing makeup. I've felt this way my whole life but shoved it down and tried to swallow it.
My bf tells me he likes the hair and that I seem more like myself. He would more than likely support me but I'm just scared to come out bc I grew up in a very transphobic environment.
My bf and I will have been together for 6 years in January. I was on his phone late one night because mine died and idk what compelled me to look, but I decided to look at his dms and texts on a few apps. I shouldn't have but I did it anyways. I was just scrolling and looking at who he was talking to not really getting into the conversations until I saw one of the names. I clicked on it because I thought it was strange that he was talking to someone called "Pretty Boy" on the app. The person named themselves this, btw. This text convo is what made me open his other messages.
To add more context: my bf has a pos friend (Kyle, fake name), who constantly invites him out to drink. They get so drunk that my boyfriend frequently ends up wandering around the city, losing his shoes and shit. In the text messages between my bf and Kyle I found a bunch of receipts of someone accusing Kyle of being a
Kyle invited my bf out one day in 2023, I don't actually remember the day at all. Apparently I got invited out and declined, my bf went out. The texts between "pretty boy" and my bf reference that night.
"pretty boy" texts my boyfriend, calls him "baby boy" and "darling" and asks him how's he is feeling because of the heavy drinking night before. My bf responds saying thanks and doesn't correct him. Then "pretty boy" states that my bf was really out of it, and that he got super 'cuddly and touchy and cute'. My bf responds that he is sorry and asks for forgiveness, then "pretty boy" says it's okay and calls it 'platonic affection'.
If it was really platonic, why did my bf reach out to this person two more times a week later, asking for forgiveness once again?
I know for a fact that Kyle doesn't like me, he doesn't invite me out to hang with them anymore and neither does my boyfriend. I just know they would try to hide it from me, or call it platonic over texts in case I saw it. I don't trust Kyle or any of the people he hangs around with.
Ever since I cut my hair and stopped wearing makeup I've felt so much better, like I don't feel like an ugly girl anymore. Just a guy. Now I want it all to end again. I was finally discovering myself at 27 years old. I felt so happy for the first time in so fucking long. My bf told me he liked my hair alot even though it wasn't girly, and before I found those texts he was all over me sexually, he even tried (TMI)
I thought my bf was affirming my gender and literally felt euphoric after, but now I feel like he was playing out a fucking roleplay fantasy when I cut my hair and started to try and look like myself, like a boy even tho I didn't tell him that's what I'm doing, like he's doing the things to me he wanted to with "pretty boy" or any other "real" man. My bf is bi but told me he's never been with a man.
it's too difficult to keep trying, I'll never be accepted, I'm so scared I'm just going to get fetishized. 'pretty boy' is an amab drag queen (self proclaimed femboy). I haven't even told him that I'm a man and he's already cheated on me with a real one.
I also found some other texts on his phone with his female coworkers (who are significantly younger than him -- 18/19year olds, he is 29). He is their supervisor, yet texts them on social media, sends them memes, engages in flirty dialog, frequently gives and receives rides home from work or bars. He always told me he was going out with his male coworkers, never female. Yet, in these convos he is clearly getting invited out and hanging with his female coworkers. And he would always brag to me about how the women in his department trust him over the other male supervisors and managers. I wonder why? probably because he has been going out and drinking with them behind my back for the past 2 years.
Idk what the point of this post is. I'm just so done, I feel like I'm in a fucking drama. And of course, today is my bfs birthday so I have to spend the day with him. idk what I'm supposed to do. I have no where to go. I don't know how to confront him. I have no one. I have no money. No job. He drinks so much he maxed my credit cards to buy beer. Most days I eat less than once a day. I have left our apartment less than a handful of times in the past two years because my depression has been so bad. I have nothing. I don't even want to look at him. I feel revulsed. All I do is lay in bed and cry and get reassurance from people online. I genuinely feel like I don't have a purpose, I am so unlovable. This isn't even the first man to cheat on me but I think this is going to make me keep spiraling right off the edge. I think I'm going to try to ctb again soon. I really wanted to try and get better but it is never worth it. It keeps getting worse.
I'm sorry if you read all that.
