Low again

[Wisdom3_1-9]

It's been a tough 24 hours. And this was after a few days when I was feeling somewhat okay. A short comment by my husband ruined everything. It's weird, because I'm staying alive so I don't hurt him, but it almost seems like he'd rather I was gone.

I don't know why I'm still here. Everyone other than me seems to have reasons for me to stay alive. I'm the person in the world most convinced that I need to go. So why haven't I been able to do it yet? I'm the one who lives through my pain everyday and just wants it to stop? Why can't I bring myself to take that plunge?

It's fucking World Suicide Prevention Day and all I want to do is die, yet I'm preventing my own suicide — who the fuck knows why? I'm so sick of this existence. It would be so wonderful if I didn't wake up tomorrow. Why can't I fucking do it?!

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Suicide is so difficult to do unless you're basically having an emotional breakdown. Even then...

I have such a deep sense of shame that I feel so ashamed and flawed because I can't bloody do it either. I feel weak because I can't even do this right. My mind tells me I must be faking because I haven't gone through with my big recent attempt. But it's not our fault, it's just a consequence of being human.

I understand how damn frustrating it is though.

 

[BetterInthanOut]

Sometimes, despite anything that might be considered logical, there is some force that just keeps you hanging on. I'm sorry that your husband makes you feel that way, I'm sure that you deserve better.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

A short comment by my husband ruined everything. It's weird, because I'm staying alive so I don't hurt him, but it almost seems like he'd rather I was gone.

This reminded me of other things you've posted about your husband, especially when he threw your keys and phone and then got physically rough when you tried to leave. But especially now, when you're doing better, it made me think...

There's a pattern of rescuers, often but not always men, who have the knight on a white horse thing. They want to come in and save the other person, be their hero, help them recover...and then when the "victim" gets built up and i strong enough to stand on their own, the hero can't adjust and wants them knocked back down to be reliant again, even if they looked down on that reliance and need in some way.

It's as if they can't appreciate the victory of having completed the task they set out to do, but instead they need to be actively relied upon. The other person needs to remain helpless and lower. Once they're upright and eye-to-eye with the hero, the hero doesn't know what to do or who to be. It was never about the person being rescued, but the identity of the one playing white knight.

Do you think perhaps there's something to this with your husband?

 

[almost_dead]

-hugs-

 

[Ready2GoNow]

Im sorry I have no helpful insight. But you're not alone in feeling this way. Sending you love

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

It's as if they can't appreciate the victory of having completed the task they set out to do, but instead they need to be actively relied upon. The other person needs to remain helpless and lower. Once they're upright and eye-to-eye with the hero, the hero doesn't know what to do or who to be. It was never about the person being rescued, but the identity of the one playing white knight.

Do you think perhaps there's something to this with your husband?

I get what you're saying. I'm not sure it applies in this case. In fact, if you look at our relationship long-term, I would've been in the "hero" role. I hadn't life together. I was the one who helped him overcome his demons and get his life back on track. Perhaps our roles switched when my life took a turn for the worse? Perhaps we're both unable to cope with the role reversal? I'm not sure. I'll have to think on it more.

My assessment of the situation so far is somewhat bleak. I think he's just a jealous and somewhat selfish individual. I think he sees me as a path to his being able to have what he wants. Without me, he wouldn't be able to live the life he wants. But he also wants to control me - control who I'm friends with. I've thought it's perhaps a way of making sure I never leave him?

I love him, though. I know, it sounds childish, like those people who stay with abusive spouses. I've seen the best of him and he's wonderful. I've also seen him at his lowest and all I care to do in those times is to lift him up. I've seen him at his worst, and it scares me a bit, mostly because it also brings out the worst in me. I love him, but I don't know if we're supposed to be together. Before we got engaged, I had broken up with him on two separate occasions. I always kept coming back to him. I thought that meant that he was the one; that he was my forever — the one person who would feel like home. At our wedding, when I said "I do," I meant it with all my heart.

But now I feel like there isn't someone for me. I'm so flawed no one could ever love me in the way I want to be loved. There's more to this story than I've included here, or else it might be a novel. Maybe I'll share it in a thread someday if I ever feel totally comfortable. The truth is that I have not been a great husband either, and I hold a great deal of responsibility for where our relationship sits right now. But still, I do believe that his jealousy and selfishness are deep-rooted, and make our life together extremely challenging.

 

[PressEnterToExit]

It's been a tough 24 hours. And this was after a few days when I was feeling somewhat okay. A short comment by my husband ruined everything. It's weird, because I'm staying alive so I don't hurt him, but it almost seems like he'd rather I was gone.

I don't know why I'm still here. Everyone other than me seems to have reasons for me to stay alive. I'm the person in the world most convinced that I need to go. So why haven't I been able to do it yet? I'm the one who lives through my pain everyday and just wants it to stop? Why can't I bring myself to take that plunge?

It's fucking World Suicide Prevention Day and all I want to do is die, yet I'm preventing my own suicide — who the fuck knows why? I'm so sick of this existence. It would be so wonderful if I didn't wake up tomorrow. Why can't I fucking do it?!

Tete are men of all ages and kinds looking forward to have fun with women of any kind too! It is spring! Forget him have fun enjoy yourself.
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