Loving things very, very, very strongly

[リンさん]

I have autism. For me, certain interests are just way more important than they would be for your regular person.

I cry because I love my current interest so much. I wake up and go to sleep thinking about it. I space out doing other things if somehow my train of thought trails back to my interest (it always does). Sometimes I feel amazed at how my brain has such seemingly endless capacity for love.

It's the only thing I ever wanna talk about. If someone brings up something similar or something unrelated that I can vaguely link to my interest, I get an overwhelming urge to overshare and info dump, because it's all so important to me. I never do, though, because I'm extremely self aware and self conscious. I know that people don't care, so unless I get an explicit cue or a question, I will keep my thoughts to myself.

There's a flip side though. I get extremely protective sometimes, as well as being anxious about taking interest in something else. I never wanna lose this connection that I have, even if I know it will fade one day.

It's a little bit exhausting at times, but honestly, I really like being able to enjoy things that deeply. Even if it comes at a price.

 

[NumbItAll]

What is your current interest?

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I have autism. For me, certain interests are just way more important than they would be for your regular person.

I cry because I love my current interest so much. I wake up and go to sleep thinking about it. I space out doing other things if somehow my train of thought trails back to my interest (it always does). Sometimes I feel amazed at how my brain has such seemingly endless capacity for love.

It's the only thing I ever wanna talk about. If someone brings up something similar or something unrelated that I can vaguely link to my interest, I get an overwhelming urge to overshare and info dump, because it's all so important to me. I never do, though, because I'm extremely self aware and self conscious. I know that people don't care, so unless I get an explicit cue or a question, I will keep my thoughts to myself.

There's a flip side though. I get extremely protective sometimes, as well as being anxious about taking interest in something else. I never wanna lose this connection that I have, even if I know it will fade one day.

It's a little bit exhausting at times, but honestly, I really like being able to enjoy things that deeply. Even if it comes at a price.

I go through something similar.
Honestly, I think this trait that some people have is something that has allowed us to stay alive.

I have ADHD, and while I have a lot of interest in certain things, my mind changes interests rapidly to the point where it has affected me.

The interests that have changed the most for me have been related to hobbies. When I manage to satisfy those interests, I quickly get bored. However, when I'm unable to satisfy those interests of mine, I start to obsess over them to the point where I feel depressed.

One of my interests is relationships.
I've always been a solitary person, and I've always wanted to experience what it feels like to be loved by someone outside my family.
The relationships that interest me don't necessarily have to be romantic. They just need to be relationships in which I can feel that I exist and that I'm not a ghost in this world, as I've always felt excluded to the point where I felt like a ghost.

This interest has never disappeared from my mind simply because I've never experienced it, and over time, it turned into an obsession. Every day, I daydream about talking to people as if they were interested in me.

I ruined my last friendships due to my obsession with wanting to feel loved, as I always clung to my friendships in an attempt to escape my loneliness, but in the end, I just became a burden to people.
Sometimes I've thought that I might have BPD because of my tendency to romanticize friendships and my fear of being abandoned. However, my therapist told me that I've confused some ADHD symptoms with BPD.

As much as I've wanted to let go of this obsession, I've always tried to tell myself that I don't need friendships as they're a waste of time, but it only makes me feel worse for not being able to experience it.
Basically, being alone makes me feel anxious, but even trying to talk to someone makes me afraid because I think it will all be the same again.

I could say that maybe it's one of the reasons why I don't want to leave this world because I have that constant craving to feel loved by someone. But at the same time, it's one of the reasons why I hate being in this world because I don't want to keep feeling the pain of not being able to satisfy my desires...

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry know how feel autisti intrst yea v know how even now injury damage undrstd how feel intrst want many do endle, v cruel wrld, now want ctb no able do any brain no wrk all dtriort no time travle, rly want go bk no injury damage do spcl intrst

 

[Actovania]

i wish that i was interested in something a lot like that. i don't know a lot about anything so its impossible for me to talk about things in depth or relate to other people based on interests. i jump between things and i can't focus on one thing. i think having one super awsome thing is really special and i want to find that one thing like you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can relate to this a lot. I feel like I've always been an obsessive person. My main obsession has always been being creative. It's been my coping mechanism throughout life. Probably the reason for my wanting to CTB is because it's failing financially now. It's my purpose in life. Without it, I get so unhappy. (It's not the same just doing it as a hobby.)

I'm curious- would you say you suffer with limerance too? (Obsessive crushes on people.) I'd say all of my crushes have been crazy obsessive. I used to get kind of obsessed with TV shows too! I think it probably all is trauma response and coping mechanisms. I guess we like to lose ourselves in something that isn't our life.

 

[cosifantutti]

I am a very intense person. If I'm well that can feed hobbies. But my intensity is more likely to be connected to upsetting situations and add to my mental health problems.

 

[リンさん]

I can relate to this a lot. I feel like I've always been an obsessive person. My main obsession has always been being creative. It's been my coping mechanism throughout life. Probably the reason for my wanting to CTB is because it's failing financially now. It's my purpose in life. Without it, I get so unhappy. (It's not the same just doing it as a hobby.)

I'm curious- would you say you suffer with limerance too? (Obsessive crushes on people.) I'd say all of my crushes have been crazy obsessive. I used to get kind of obsessed with TV shows too! I think it probably all is trauma response and coping mechanisms. I guess we like to lose ourselves in something that isn't our life.

I definitely do experience limerence, very intensely. Now that I'm aware of it, I try to purposefully distance myself from people so that it doesn't happen again. Can't have friends because of it, I crush on almost anyone.

I've had a crush recently and it was a disaster. Literally talked to this person for one day, then had reoccurring romantic dreams and couldn't get them out of my head. It's really tiring and off putting for people, so I had to cut contact immediately.

 

[staplestable]

When I find something I truly enjoy I obsess over it the same way as you, so much so that it distracts me from all my negative emotions. It even becomes my reason for living; even more so when it's something I can share without feeling worthless.

Any crushes I've had they would become all I could think about as well and that I kind of become obsessed with them. I now avoid these feelings I have with people.

I have never met someone with a similar take on their interests before so thank you for sharing.

 

[リンさん]

When I find something I truly enjoy I obsess over it the same way as you, so much so that it distracts me from all my negative emotions. It even becomes my reason for living; even more so when it's something I can share without feeling worthless.

Any crushes I've had they would become all I could think about as well and that I kind of become obsessed with them. I now avoid these feelings I have with people.

I have never met someone with a similar take on their interests before so thank you for sharing.

Totally relate to your situation. And with crushes too, this is the main reason why I distance myself from anyone who isn't my family - I just get obsessed with people so easily. Its never healthy for me.

My scope of interests is honestly the reason why I'm here. Without them I wouldn't be myself, and there wouldn't be a reason to go on.

 

[Kattt]

Please don't think that others don't care because they don't seem to have the same depth of feeling that you do for those things in life that bring you joy.
It's an amazing gift to experience love. Love is the most powerful emotion and one that some will never know. It can drive people to do the craziest things. To kill, fight, endure hardship and pain, to go against everything they believe and hold dear.
Often people bury the objects of their love deeply within, usually due to fear. Revealing the object of such emotion makes them feel vulnerable and at risk of being hurt. Heartbreak is such a common source of intense sadness, that it has inspired innumerable hit records, in no small part because of how relatable the subject is.
You might have heard the expression "they wear their heart on their sleeve". This is essentially you. While the enthusiasm with which you express your passion is an honest and accurate outpouring of feeling, it's not that others don't necessarily share that strength of feeling (for the things that bring joy to them), but rather they operate restraint when exposing their inner sensitivity.
As a rule, older people and especially those from specific cultural backgrounds tend to be rather emotionally stilted. Historically, societal expectations for men in particular, demanded the suppression of emotion. Even to this day, a man who cries is perceived as being weak. Denying emotional expression like this is a major cause of mental health issues.
Previous generations commonly frowned upon displays of emotion, a behaviour now acknowledged as being unhealthy. Expectations and perceived norms vary across cultures. For instance, it's expected for Arabic men to illustrate their grief in a display of emotion, so extreme that by Western standards it would appear theatrical. However, not to do so would not be "normal" behaviour.
There's absolutely no reason why you should feel that it is you that's in the wrong for having such unfettered happiness in your life. If more people directed their energy into getting the most from life's simple pleasures, the world would be a better place for it.
As long as that passion doesn't come at the expense of another's loss, anyone who would try to deprive you of your happiness is acting purely out of envy.
Money cannot buy the intensity with which your heart overflows.
In regards to your tendency to become obsessed with other people, the important thing is that you can recognise this. I'm sure your family welcome your attention and celebrate your unique nature.
I have found myself in precisely the same situation in the past. Fortunately, I am blessed with crucial moments of clarity that allow me to take a step back and check that I'm not overstepping the mark. Over time, I've imposed safeguards to contain excessive intentions. Most of all, I found that practicing exercises to better develop my empathy to be the greatest benefit. It's as simple as putting myself in the other person's shoes. Imagining how I might feel if someone behaved towards me, in the way I thought acceptable to treat them. It takes practice so rather than wait until things get out of hand, try it using trivial matters with individuals you are familiar with. You might find your family can offer valuable feedback if you explain the process to them. Anything that gives you a greater sense of control over your world is worth the effort.
On the whole, I think you seem to have a remarkable amount of insight into your strengths, weaknesses, the importance of interpersonal relationships (vital for human wellbeing and frequently lacking in modern life), an exceptional ability to identify and obtain joy from what life has to offer, a genuine and altruistic soul. You appear to have mastered valuable skills that should enable you to cope with what life has to throw at you. I wish you the very best of luck in your every endeavour. There's a lot worse things you can do than love.

 

[tiger b]

Special interests are cool. I find it sweet when people hold back on them because I appreciate people splurging them on me. Maybe because I'm very cautious to do so myself.

Case in point - someone posting on another thread had one of my fave (fairly obscure) anime characters. I had to stop myself from messaging them. It could be perceived wrongly.

Or, if someone's banner-thing mentioned an amazing 80s/90s duo of anarchists who were Justified and Ancient...and drove an ice cream van after they caught the last train to Transcentral...maybe someone gets the drift? Man, their songs were such a p'take and bought a cleverness to music and certainly had a great influence on me - and I'll stop right there!

...I think loving with all one's heart is amazing, it's the ideal (to me) but certainly can bring problems. I am capable of it, I guard against it, but I understand not everyone does. Maybe op you just don't put limits on yourself in that respect, and if that's a benefit of your autism I'd say embrace it with the right person.

Ramble mode - disengaged!

Regardless if I'm off track here, it's a cool thread.

 

[movinout17]

Opposite for me lol, i wish I had interests and could just play videogames or watch shows or something. But I don't really like anything. music used to be my interest, but I had to push myself to engage in it for years. I'm tired of trying to like hobbies

 

[リンさん]

Opposite for me lol, i wish I had interests and could just play videogames or watch shows or something. But I don't really like anything. music used to be my interest, but I had to push myself to engage in it for years. I'm tired of trying to like hobbies

Honestly, I don't have hobbies in the sense that most people do either. My brain just picks one very specific thing and doesnt wanna do anything else lol

I think it makes me extremely boring to most people, because everyone else seems so engaged with multiple hobbies and knows a lot, whereas I can only talk about some obscure topic that would be really uninteresting to everyone else haha

 

[movinout17]

Honestly, I don't have hobbies in the sense that most people do either. My brain just picks one very specific thing and doesnt wanna do anything else lol

I think it makes me extremely boring to most people, because everyone else seems so engaged with multiple hobbies and knows a lot, whereas I can only talk about some obscure topic that would be really uninteresting to everyone else haha

That does sound frustrating when it's something you don't have control over

 

[SpiritualDeath]

I do this as well. I just realized that I don't actually have a "hobby". I just get obsessed with a few songs, a few thoughts, a few very specific theories within a subject, etc., and totally ignore anything else in those areas, and the obsessions can last VERY long. fk I just do a very few little boring things repeatedly. It's always awkward when people ask me what I'm interested in, since it's always hard to explain.
My most recent interest is ctb lol imagine wanting to info dump about that...

 

[リンさん]

I do this as well. I just realized that I don't actually have a "hobby". I just get obsessed with a few songs, a few thoughts, a few very specific theories within a subject, etc., and totally ignore anything else in those areas, and the obsessions can last VERY long. fk I just do a very few little boring things repeatedly. It's always awkward when people ask me what I'm interested in, since it's always hard to explain.
My most recent interest is ctb lol imagine wanting to info dump about that...

Omg same lol! CTB is also one of my very intense interests lol. I really wanted to talk to my mom about it but… let's just say I quickly realized it's a terrible idea haha

 

[tiger b]

I'm sorry but this is soooo funny.

Especially if Mommy dearest continually offers to give you a lift in her car to get you to your 'final destination' quicker...or offers to catch the bus with you. "But child, what do you mean we won't need a return ticket? What do you mean only Jesus got one? You're so silly hahaha. Should we pack a picnic? Where do we terminate?"

I wonder if the BBC would be interested in such a script hmmm.

 

[steppenwolf]

I definitely do experience limerence, very intensely. Now that I'm aware of it, I try to purposefully distance myself from people so that it doesn't happen again. Can't have friends because of it, I crush on almost anyone.

'Limerence'; never heard that word before, but I know the feeling like a distant bad memory. Like yourself I rigorously suppress it, and have done for so many years now that I've entirely grown out of it. I've still spent my domestic life quite alone though, albeit with no regrets.

You could indulge limerence, but as you probably know even if it was reciprocated it would be ridiculous and excruciating. Does a young autistic lesbian with self-destruction fantasies, really want to play at limerence with a raggedy old asexual hypomanic depressive with archaic tastes?

Limerence is not love, it's a disease. Love is a two-way process which doesn't hurt, or make you feel like the bottom's fallen out of your world just because someone left the room without acknowledging you. Suppressing limerence is the way to go, and you do grow out of it in time and are able to form more easy-going relationships with no emotional high stakes, which do bring a certain amount of meaningful happiness into otherwise barren existences. Having solitary creative interests helps a lot. Everyone should pursue such interests regardless of their economic viability.

 

[LonelyStarrySky]

I can feel you so well, I also love the things in my life very dearly. Like I can't get rid of any of my drawings, because of all the time I spent making them and love I put for them no matter how bad or ugly they are, because doing so would feel like a betrayl to my younger self who made them. When I find something that I really love I take screenshots of it, and save it to my collection. I take photographs of things I just don't want to fade, just something in the flowers looks really beautiful for me, the way the sun shines on a specific day, I just can't stop admiring it. Internet is probably my biggest obession because I spend time searching for obscure topics nobody else I know seems to be interested in except for me.

Sometimes after watching an anime I would get obessed with it to the point where I constanty think about it non-stop. Because I really loved it and listen to its music on repeat. But yes I myself also get super obessed with relationships and people I really love to the point where I can't think of anything else and I have them in my dreams and immediatly reply to their messages when they send them. I have no self-restraint so I never stop my obessions nor really want to. Because it means to me so much.