Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Soo, as i currently live in residential treatment place/home I have full time support available to me.
I have found great difficulties in this place but it has been p. Nice in regards to certain aspects of my healing. Its been a few months now and I can see some changes even in me.
In general in life im alone. Connections are hard. Even in conversations I find myself typing like a therapist. Awkward and lacking feeling. Im not at a point innmy life for serious companionship.. so i think but tbh im not sure.
With me moving soon I feel lonely already. This is probs the best place ive stayed in like... forever and it really sucks that what I need in lfie is to be alone....
I dunno.. Its a p. Artifical support system that I've built but its all I got..
Im tryna set up some things before I move (like support or people to talk to) but its different when ive built up rapport with people already. I guess if im planning to live just have to do that again....
I guess i should be more so excited to start over with new people but I can't get past the imagery of how life will be...
Like similar to now but.. me now onnmy own completely.
Hot lines/groups etc only help so much. I find that the don't fill the void much. So oI usually just accept it now and do something distracting on my own.
Im not sure.. and with me wanting to CTB it makes me sad to know I'll CTB and be alone in life. I don't know what about it makes me so sad but it just does...like no one will kno... it'll reach my family eventually and then maybe by wird of mouth. Like it jjst hits me how little I actually matter and exist in this world.
I'm tired of the mental health system but I can see why I've latched on to it so much.
Here I at least matter. My health matters. How I feel matters. Its hittingnme hard how much I haven't ever had that. Its also hitting me hard how hard that is to find like outside of services...
I knew that alresdy though. Mental health always leaves me feeling like some part wasn't complete but.... I've learned to be able to know the limits and work with the feelings within them...Basically knowing that this is a service/job and tbh what i get out is probs all I can handle rn.
I'm feeling so sad that im leaving the one place that I actually feel cared for. I'll never experience this again..
I don't even have to move like its not being pressured. Im being told that regardless of my decision I have a home here right now...
Its my dream to be on my own as I need it for my mental health tho... so... ima be going and living a life again where no one cares or has to care or has to notice me....
It's crazy how much abuse can just fuck everything up. I wish I had people that loved me. I know im very sociable and likeable and a great human being overall.
Im just traumatized and struggling. That doesn't mean I have to be alone though and im just starting to learn that again.
I have found great difficulties in this place but it has been p. Nice in regards to certain aspects of my healing. Its been a few months now and I can see some changes even in me.
In general in life im alone. Connections are hard. Even in conversations I find myself typing like a therapist. Awkward and lacking feeling. Im not at a point innmy life for serious companionship.. so i think but tbh im not sure.
With me moving soon I feel lonely already. This is probs the best place ive stayed in like... forever and it really sucks that what I need in lfie is to be alone....
I dunno.. Its a p. Artifical support system that I've built but its all I got..
Im tryna set up some things before I move (like support or people to talk to) but its different when ive built up rapport with people already. I guess if im planning to live just have to do that again....
I guess i should be more so excited to start over with new people but I can't get past the imagery of how life will be...
Like similar to now but.. me now onnmy own completely.
Hot lines/groups etc only help so much. I find that the don't fill the void much. So oI usually just accept it now and do something distracting on my own.
Im not sure.. and with me wanting to CTB it makes me sad to know I'll CTB and be alone in life. I don't know what about it makes me so sad but it just does...like no one will kno... it'll reach my family eventually and then maybe by wird of mouth. Like it jjst hits me how little I actually matter and exist in this world.
I'm tired of the mental health system but I can see why I've latched on to it so much.
Here I at least matter. My health matters. How I feel matters. Its hittingnme hard how much I haven't ever had that. Its also hitting me hard how hard that is to find like outside of services...
I knew that alresdy though. Mental health always leaves me feeling like some part wasn't complete but.... I've learned to be able to know the limits and work with the feelings within them...Basically knowing that this is a service/job and tbh what i get out is probs all I can handle rn.
I'm feeling so sad that im leaving the one place that I actually feel cared for. I'll never experience this again..
I don't even have to move like its not being pressured. Im being told that regardless of my decision I have a home here right now...
Its my dream to be on my own as I need it for my mental health tho... so... ima be going and living a life again where no one cares or has to care or has to notice me....
It's crazy how much abuse can just fuck everything up. I wish I had people that loved me. I know im very sociable and likeable and a great human being overall.
Im just traumatized and struggling. That doesn't mean I have to be alone though and im just starting to learn that again.
