Loved one's reaction to my suicidal feelings

[Jolene79]

I'm struggling severely with some horrific health problems. I have lots of issues which keep piling up. I live close to my mum who is caring for my son because of my never ending health issues.

My mum understandably finds it very difficult to see me as she wants to detach from the reality of the situation which is very depressing to be around. I really feel for her and others who have not had a normal life because of this. (Im in my 40s and have had never ending health problems for years). She popped over today and saw me in a bad way. I was crying in desperation about my situation and despair. Some things are getting worse and I'm frightened. I said I'm thinking alot about suicide and she surprisingly said a dog would have been euthanised years ago. It's true. She was very accepting and said she totally understood and would feel the same. She left annoyed about it all ( I think she feels screwed over by this situation andI actually understand). So basically I see how awful this situation is for me, for my son who is struggling being around me and people close to me are virtually in agreement about the desire for suicide. Part of me now I have this acceptance from everyone is shocked. It is a realisation that I'm a massive depressing burden who has nothing to offer in reality. I can hide things from my son for about 2 hours a day. That keeps me alive. Then he goes back to my mum down the road.

I don't know the point of this post really other than wishing more than anything I had a bottle of something on my shelf that I know I could just drink when I'm ready and I know all hope is gone of ever improving.

I'm so desperately alone and sad. I never knew existence could be such agony

 

[todiefor]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be so bitter sweet to tell your loved ones about ctb and have them be able to see that you reasons for ctb makes sense, it must hurt and be so relieving at the same time. I'm sorry about all the suffering you have gone through as result of your health issues

Im right there with you on the desperately alone and sad, and how existence could be so much agony. I really wish none of this happened to us

 

[FuneralCry]

That really sounds so torturous what you have to endure, existence truly is so hellish and I see it as being so inhumane how even in situations like that people cannot just permanently escape from all the suffering. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Jolene79]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be so bitter sweet to tell your loved ones about ctb and have them be able to see that you reasons for ctb makes sense, it must hurt and be so relieving at the same time. I'm sorry about all the suffering you have gone through as result of your health issues

Im right there with you on the desperately alone and sad, and how existence could be so much agony. I really wish none of this happened to us

It is because I desperately don't want to die. Like most on here, the suffering is immeasurable and I'm so frightened by what is happening and how it may progress. I do not want to do this or leave my son. I realise now that you just can't say anything to people close to you. Of course that makes sense. It's devastating and I see my mum will now avoid me. She has been helpful with things like making me soup and just someone in my life to break up the day. Now she's seen this she will completely withdraw from me.
I appreciate i sound like a young child here. I feel scared and terrified really just like a child because of what is happening tbh. The other issue is that there is no reliable method I can even contemplate right now. The options feel so horrible. I felt some comfort thinking I could just take an OD. I know now that isn't an option

 

[Aisley]

Such a horrific situation. I'm sorry you're here. Is maid a thing where you live?

 

[Jolene79]

Such a horrific situation. I'm sorry you're here. Is maid a thing where you live

Such a horrific situation. I'm sorry you're here. Is maid a thing where you live?

I haven't heard of maid? Is that assisted death? I'm in the UK and there are no options for that here.

 

[Aisley]

Dignitas, then? If you have money, i guess. You shouldn't have to diy this.

 

[todiefor]

It breaks my heart to hear you say that you desperately don't want to die, that you don't want to do this and don't want to leave your son, but feel like you would not have a choice. I don't want to die either, it is such a shit and terrible world that we are made to suffer needlessly through no fault of our own. And then the icing on the shit cake is that there isn't even a good method. The options are really not ideal, I've stuck with SN but I've not attempted before and I'm scared when time comes I just can't do it at all and I'll be stuck in my situation forever.

You don't sound like a child, adults can be scared as well, and your situation is horrifyingly scary, anyone would be scared shitless.

I'm sorry you mum ended up acting that way btw, that really is disappointing, for once I wish loved ones can just put their own feelings aside and really listen and empathise because we all desperately need them to understand and be there for us. Her actions are hurtful and dismissive. There is a chance she will come around once she thinks about it a bit more though. I hope you don't feel regret telling her, you did a really brave thing

 

[Jolene79]

Dignitas, then? If you have money, i guess. You shouldn't have to diy this.

I've looked into this before. It feels like a better option. I don't have any spare cash especially not £10k. I also imagine how horrific it would be going there knowing I am leaving my son. But I understand there are no great options here and do appreciate your posts.

I want to hold out to the last possible moment I can tolerate and dignitas makes that difficult. I was very naive thinking I could just take enough meds to make me sleep and then go.

 

[Aisley]

Yes. Squeeze every moment out that you can. If you don't mind, how old is he?
Benzos and opiods have been combined for years for peaceful deaths. And aside from that, not knowing how resourceful you are online (i'm a potato) there are research chemicals that can be purchased that are more effective than fentanyl.

 

[Jolene79]

Yes. Squeeze every moment out that you can. If you don't mind, how old is he?
Benzos and opiods have been combined for years for peaceful deaths. And aside from that, not knowing how resourceful you are online (i'm a potato) there are research chemicals that can be purchased that are more effective than fentanyl.

I am prescribed diazepam and tramadol. I do however have half my intestines removed. I've been to A and E with bowel blockages many times and the pain is so horrific you beg to die. My bowel perforated once and I ended up with sepsis and 6 months in hospital. I'm very afraid of going through that with an OD method messing my bowel up. But I imagine if you take enough to finish it quickly enough that would be avoided. I need to be more resourceful with research I agree.

My son is 11. He has some additional support needs. This whole situation kills me. He kind of keeps me alive but the torture of my daily existence and him seeing I can't care for him properly is also killing me

It breaks my heart to hear you say that you desperately don't want to die, that you don't want to do this and don't want to leave your son, but feel like you would not have a choice. I don't want to die either, it is such a shit and terrible world that we are made to suffer needlessly through no fault of our own. And then the icing on the shit cake is that there isn't even a good method. The options are really not ideal, I've stuck with SN but I've not attempted before and I'm scared when time comes I just can't do it at all and I'll be stuck in my situation forever.

You don't sound like a child, adults can be scared as well, and your situation is horrifyingly scary, anyone would be scared shitless.

I'm sorry you mum ended up acting that way btw, that really is disappointing, for once I wish loved ones can just put their own feelings aside and really listen and empathise because we all desperately need them to understand and be there for us. Her actions are hurtful and dismissive. There is a chance she will come around once she thinks about it a bit more though. I hope you don't feel regret telling her, you did a really brave thing

Thankyou for your lovely words. My mum has found it very difficult dealing with my health issues. I think she feels robbed of a normal life. She's not maternal at all and can be very cold. She has helped a great deal with things and caring for my son alot for years. I understand why she is sick of it all. She would happily avoid me forever if she could. That's the way she is. So it wasn't a good idea getting so upset again in front of her. She handles it very badly and turns on you so to speak.

I really wished I could be a normal mum and daughter doing things for her. I explained that and apologised and she snapped in anger at the fact I never will. I hate what this situation does to everyone around me. I'm sure many can relate regardless of what brings them here. I'm severely depressed now by both the situation and the conditions I have are affecting my mental state. That part makes it hard for me to just be normal and not cry all over people close to me. I spend all my energy hiding it all from my son and anyone else I need to when I can venture outside.

 

[Aisley]

I am prescribed diazepam and tramadol. I do however have half my intestines removed. I've been to A and E with bowel blockages many times and the pain is so horrific you beg to die. My bowel perforated once and I ended up with sepsis and 6 months in hospital. I'm very afraid of going through that with an OD method messing my bowel up. But I imagine if you take enough to finish it quickly enough that would be avoided. I need to be more resourceful with research I agree.

Those two are almost enough to go on. Tramadol, tho. It's pretty mild. And for intestinal pain? That's something people really have no concept of, but there was a reason embowling was a torture method back in the day. Maybe you could go to your doctor for something stronger. Also, snorting is an option. So you can bypass your digestive system. And the problem with getting something stronger is it would probably be those time-release ones that aren't easily snorted. But it would widen your medicine cabinet, and your options.
God, I can't imagine tramadol doing much for your pain, just shaving off that last little bit of it. Christ, dostors are so cheap. (Can't let some poor woman at the fucking threshhold of death get addicted to anything, can we?)

My son is 11. He has some additional support needs. This whole situation kills me. He kind of keeps me alive but the torture of my daily existence and him seeing I can't care for him properly is also killing me.

Thank you. Children, as you already know, have an almost unlimited capacity to accept what life is, in nearly all its horrid forms. If it helps, I'm 40, and my boy is 14. Your mother can't hold anything against you. You've given her a grandchild. That's the key goal in life for people who have children in the first place.
And you might already know this, but just because she doesn't process emotions in real time, doesn't mean she doesn't when she's alone. I'm more that way, afraid someone will see me feeling something, racing to the end of the conversation just so it's over.

 

[Jolene79]

Thankyou Aisley. What a kind person you are. I sometimes feel the most genuine and kind people end up on here. I'm so sorry you also have a child - and by that I mean the pain of being brought to this place and the guilt and sadness of it all when you have a child. I hope you understand what I mean by that. It adds a whole dimension of pain.
I didn't even think of that ref snorting. I had heard about dissolving in water but that still has to go through the intestines somehow. I really need to research this more. I cannot imagine the thought of hanging, drowning or anything violent.

I think I could possibly push for a stronger pain medication but I don't want that. I am so afraid of addiction to something stronger than tramadol and then having it taken away. It also increases the risk of bowel blockages for me.

 

[Louise Payne]

I'm struggling severely with some horrific health problems. I have lots of issues which keep piling up. I live close to my mum who is caring for my son because of my never ending health issues.

My mum understandably finds it very difficult to see me as she wants to detach from the reality of the situation which is very depressing to be around. I really feel for her and others who have not had a normal life because of this. (Im in my 40s and have had never ending health problems for years). She popped over today and saw me in a bad way. I was crying in desperation about my situation and despair. Some things are getting worse and I'm frightened. I said I'm thinking alot about suicide and she surprisingly said a dog would have been euthanised years ago. It's true. She was very accepting and said she totally understood and would feel the same. She left annoyed about it all ( I think she feels screwed over by this situation andI actually understand). So basically I see how awful this situation is for me, for my son who is struggling being around me and people close to me are virtually in agreement about the desire for suicide. Part of me now I have this acceptance from everyone is shocked. It is a realisation that I'm a massive depressing burden who has nothing to offer in reality. I can hide things from my son for about 2 hours a day. That keeps me alive. Then he goes back to my mum down the road.

I don't know the point of this post really other than wishing more than anything I had a bottle of something on my shelf that I know I could just drink when I'm ready and I know all hope is gone of ever improving.

I'm so desperately alone and sad. I never knew existence could be such agony

At least you could tell your family. I could not tell my sister. She always tells me to stay, she wants me to stay. So... when the time comes, I will not be able to tell her.

It is because I desperately don't want to die. Like most on here, the suffering is immeasurable and I'm so frightened by what is happening and how it may progress. I do not want to do this or leave my son. I realise now that you just can't say anything to people close to you. Of course that makes sense. It's devastating and I see my mum will now avoid me. She has been helpful with things like making me soup and just someone in my life to break up the day. Now she's seen this she will completely withdraw from me.
I appreciate i sound like a young child here. I feel scared and terrified really just like a child because of what is happening tbh. The other issue is that there is no reliable method I can even contemplate right now. The options feel so horrible. I felt some comfort thinking I could just take an OD. I know now that isn't an option

Yes, I feel you. I am not afraid to CTB. I just want a painless and full proof method.
I have been researching but to no avail. I agree the options feel so horrible.

 

[nicali845]

my heart breaks reading your story

 

[cosifantutti]

I'm struggling severely with some horrific health problems. I have lots of issues which keep piling up. I live close to my mum who is caring for my son because of my never ending health issues.

My mum understandably finds it very difficult to see me as she wants to detach from the reality of the situation which is very depressing to be around. I really feel for her and others who have not had a normal life because of this. (Im in my 40s and have had never ending health problems for years). She popped over today and saw me in a bad way. I was crying in desperation about my situation and despair. Some things are getting worse and I'm frightened. I said I'm thinking alot about suicide and she surprisingly said a dog would have been euthanised years ago. It's true. She was very accepting and said she totally understood and would feel the same. She left annoyed about it all ( I think she feels screwed over by this situation andI actually understand). So basically I see how awful this situation is for me, for my son who is struggling being around me and people close to me are virtually in agreement about the desire for suicide. Part of me now I have this acceptance from everyone is shocked. It is a realisation that I'm a massive depressing burden who has nothing to offer in reality. I can hide things from my son for about 2 hours a day. That keeps me alive. Then he goes back to my mum down the road.

I don't know the point of this post really other than wishing more than anything I had a bottle of something on my shelf that I know I could just drink when I'm ready and I know all hope is gone of ever improving.

I'm so desperately alone and sad. I never knew existence could be such agony

I feel so sorry for you. What a horrible situation to be in. I am fortunate that my kids had grown up by the time I became ill. It must be torture for you.

I live in Scotland. Maid is a form of assissted dying in Canada. Legally we can VSED (voluntary stop eating and drinking). This is more common in people of about 80. They're done with life, probably have okay mental health and their children agree to support them through the 2-3 week process. Theoretically you can get palliative care but health professionals are very uncomfortable with this.

I asked my husband if he could support me through this but he couldn't cope with it and also I can be sure that if the NHS heard of it I'd be whipped into hospital and sectioned.

Apparently it's not as painful as you'd think. Compassion in Dying has an article about it.

No good for you or me though. We're too young (even though I'm 63).

I really wish I could offer you a solution.

Take care x

 

[Louise Payne]

Yes. Squeeze every moment out that you can. If you don't mind, how old is he?
Benzos and opiods have been combined for years for peaceful deaths. And aside from that, not knowing how resourceful you are online (i'm a potato) there are research chemicals that can be purchased that are more effective than fentanyl.

Oh!! Benzos and opiods? I must look into that. A very dear friend of mine CTB at end of August. I do not know how he managed it but his lawyer said he went very peacefully with no pain. That is what I want for me.

 

[Aisley]

Oh!! Benzos and opiods? I must look into that. A very dear friend of mine CTB at end of August. I do not know how he managed it but his lawyer said he went very peacefully with no pain. That is what I want for me.

It's a classic, the cocktail most of the stars use. Along with alcohol, of course. Maybe his family could give you more info?