Love vs depression, the battle between love and guilt

[HorribleFeelings1]

i want to start off by saying I should be grateful, I know a lot of you out there don't have loving friends and family and would do anything to have some. I'm sorry for what you've been through if you're those people. My DMs are always opened if you need some love (: . But anyway, for those who do have people in their life that love them and care, it sucks when you have to hurt them this way, having to CTB, there is no other way around it unless you know they won't be hurt.

Being 18 I still live with my family, the topic of moving by myself has came up but that will take me years, I'm not waiting at all. I want to CTB badly and I'm more than ready. Throughout the year I had many obstacles, but I overcame them and now the only one in my way is the fear of hurting my family badly. My mom is the one person who will be hurt the most out of everyone in my life, probably my dad as well. My mom will be devastated, depressed, crying everyday. It fucking hurts. My siblings, my younger sister who looks up to me, my friends who are close to me, they will hurt.

I don't know what to do since this will always be forever, but I know my family will survive, I will pass the pain but knowing them, it will only be temporary, but my biggest fear is passing the suicide thoughts on to them, especially my sister, I'm scared for her well being, she's sensitive. I want to make sure I leave a good message that should answer all of everyone's questions.

Are you those people who are in a similar situation? How do you handle it? What do you do?
so far my thought process is that everyone will move on, the only fear is passing the thought of suicide to others.

 

[BabyYoda]

I'm 19. While I do have some people who care about me, it just feels like no one does at all because I don't have this type of love that I desire. I'm no one's best friend or partner so it'll be less painful to them I guess.

 

[Donk]

im struggling with this myself. i have a younger brother who has attempted suicide. im afriad he might try it again if I CTB. im scare my ctb will encourage him to do so as well. it will be too much pain for family to handle losing me and my brother to suicide.

 

[kokporn]

I am 18 years old and I have the same problems. I am afraid that my suicide will be a severe blow to my family. I think I need to explain to them how much your problems exhaust you. I think they should understand you and it will be easier for them.

 

[Partial-Elf]

i want to start off by saying I should be grateful, I know a lot of you out there don't have loving friends and family and would do anything to have some. I'm sorry for what you've been through if you're those people. My DMs are always opened if you need some love (: . But anyway, for those who do have people in their life that love them and care, it sucks when you have to hurt them this way, having to CTB, there is no other way around it unless you know they won't be hurt.

Being 18 I still live with my family, the topic of moving by myself has came up but that will take me years, I'm not waiting at all. I want to CTB badly and I'm more than ready. Throughout the year I had many obstacles, but I overcame them and now the only one in my way is the fear of hurting my family badly. My mom is the one person who will be hurt the most out of everyone in my life, probably my dad as well. My mom will be devastated, depressed, crying everyday. It fucking hurts. My siblings, my younger sister who looks up to me, my friends who are close to me, they will hurt.

I don't know what to do since this will always be forever, but I know my family will survive, I will pass the pain but knowing them, it will only be temporary, but my biggest fear is passing the suicide thoughts on to them, especially my sister, I'm scared for her well being, she's sensitive. I want to make sure I leave a good message that should answer all of everyone's questions.

Are you those people who are in a similar situation? How do you handle it? What do you do?
so far my thought process is that everyone will move on, the only fear is passing the thought of suicide to others.

Same here. I would've left already without hesitation were it not for the fact that it would break my parents. I keep trying to recover and falling back down again. No matter what I do I still have a lot of regrets about the decisions I've made and am in excruciating emotional pain every day. There's nothing in this world that I want, and I don't know how long I can keep myself alive just to shield them. They're the ones who brought me here and my empathy for them is what's keeping me trapped. It makes me really sad when they do nice things for me because all I actually want is for them to make peace with my desire to leave. That would be the greatest gift my parents could ever give me and the ultimate act of love, but it'll never happen.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

This is something I alluded to in my suicide note: every relationship you have with another person will one day be terminated by one person dying. So the grief of seperation or loss is inevitable: either you slowly drift apart throughout your lives, which is the same amount of pain distributed over a wider timespan, or you will stay close and one day one of you will have to suffer the death of the other person.

Relationships mean loss, it is built in.
.
And concerning parents—well, the only reason why the death of a child is tragic to parents, is that they didn't expect to having to witness it. But isn't that a cop-out? Why should your death be any less tragic for you if your parents are already dead?

I'm sorry that my suicide will devestate my parents, but they took the gamble—after having already lost a child—and they imposed eventual death on me. I cannot take responsibility for their grief.

 

[TAW122]

i want to start off by saying I should be grateful, I know a lot of you out there don't have loving friends and family and would do anything to have some. I'm sorry for what you've been through if you're those people. My DMs are always opened if you need some love (: . But anyway, for those who do have people in their life that love them and care, it sucks when you have to hurt them this way, having to CTB, there is no other way around it unless you know they won't be hurt.

Being 18 I still live with my family, the topic of moving by myself has came up but that will take me years, I'm not waiting at all. I want to CTB badly and I'm more than ready. Throughout the year I had many obstacles, but I overcame them and now the only one in my way is the fear of hurting my family badly. My mom is the one person who will be hurt the most out of everyone in my life, probably my dad as well. My mom will be devastated, depressed, crying everyday. It fucking hurts. My siblings, my younger sister who looks up to me, my friends who are close to me, they will hurt.

I don't know what to do since this will always be forever, but I know my family will survive, I will pass the pain but knowing them, it will only be temporary, but my biggest fear is passing the suicide thoughts on to them, especially my sister, I'm scared for her well being, she's sensitive. I want to make sure I leave a good message that should answer all of everyone's questions.

Are you those people who are in a similar situation? How do you handle it? What do you do?
so far my thought process is that everyone will move on, the only fear is passing the thought of suicide to others.

I'm in a similar boat as well. While I'm living under my parents' roof for the time being, I just know that my future sucks. There isn't much for me to look forward to but disappointment. Video games and other entertainment are just (temporary) copes and it would only be a matter of time before I checked out. I'm going to do my best to ease the pain and even explain my reasoning to hope to gain some level of understanding but I don't think they (my parents and people who are around me IRL as well as society at large) will understand and still keep (foolishly and naively) believing that I can be saved or some other bullshit. I don't expect them to, but at least I've sincerely done my part to ease the pain. It's not in my control of how they react. I'm ultimately, just finding my own peace after overcoming SI, set the record straight and made peace before I exit the world. It makes little difference whether I die young or old, except the fact that I spare myself (potentially) decades of suffering as well as seeing a world becoming more Orwellian and more untenable.