Love -hate human relationships

[Ameya]

I will be talking about general human connections and not like only romantic ones.

One thing that really has torn be apart lots of times are legit humans. On one hand they can be wholesome and cute and give me hope, then the next they are my doom.
One of my ctb motives is lonliness. So you can imagine that I am like a stray dog who craves connections, but bites your hand the second. I push people away. I am afraid that it's abusive. Which it probably is. On a lot of days I despise everyone, but then small literally small acts of kindness give me hope again. That maybe everything will be okay. Just today I got a message audio from a few colleges who said "Oh hiii Ameyaa". Which was super wholesome. I am super torn apart on how to feel about human connections. I want them, but once I have them I feel betrayed and bite. I am a awful person sometimes. All I want is really just one direction and one side. This two sided view is so exhausting.

 

[brimstonenfire_rain]

I think it's the small acts of kindness that are the problem; they will always be there, but you should learn to be emotionally detached from all of that. Then, you should learn to recognize a human and always look at them in the same way, recognizing those of your own species instead. I believe the only thing you can do is to pack with other stray dogs while still staying among humans, behaving like them, and refraining from biting.

 

[NotToBeRemembered]

This is exactly how I feel right now. I did feel hopeless because interacting with people sometimes. It could be from silly things like having different opinion or more serious case like having huge argument that escalated to long-term avoidance. In those moment I just want to CTB so bad because I think everyone couldn't understand what I tried to express and communicate. It's like I'm completely from different species. But I did also get a special occasion where I met new people, started bonding, having a blast, and I got this hopeful feeling that "Hey, maybe it's not always so bad". Only to be trapped in the same loop.

There's a point I decided that I had enough of this, but after long careful consideration, I always arrived at the same conclusion that it's not worth to just CTB while I still have a doubt about whether it is really the best for me. I mean, I do want to end my suffering. But I also did enjoy those spit of moment of me having blast, and there were indeed a person or even people who could understand me even though only for a moment. So imo, as long as I can stay focus on present fun, not to think much about this loop and keep making new connection with people (especially like-minded). I think it still worth for me to continue struggle. At least for now, I don't want to CTB.

 

[AInilam]

I know exactly how you feel and I'm tired of this endless cycle too. It feels like each time I get close or overstay my welcome I fall off the bandwagon and I become more and more broken. I think my main gripe is having to keep up appearances, people expect you to offer something to the table by being bubbly, fun and empathetic but overtime cracks always start to show. It's even worse when it's a group of people--and you want to get in on the in-crowd but eventually you always end up feeling like an outlier. I used to get high off my interactions with people, bouncing from topic to topic and getting to know them on an individual level but it's no longer enough to keep me afloat. There's always a limit. Eventually I hit a wall and either I leave them or they leave me, rinse and repeat. I know a lot of it stems from abandonment and trauma responses (I'm in no means perfect), but I don't think I'll ever form the genuine connections I so desperately crave. I want so much more than this life could ever give me.