Venting Lost

[sckgth17]

My MH is on the decline. I can feel my life slipping out from under me. Nothing feels right and nothing feels real. The only time I feel decent is when I am fucked up. I can't think straight anymore. There is too much going on in my head an my life that I can't seem to understand anything. Everyday is a struggle. Today I had a breakdown. I don't really understand what happened. I went for a walk and think I had a panic attack or something, because I cut the fuck out of my arms and I really enjoyed it. The way it bled. I couldn't stop. I went deeper and deeper, rubbing the blood all over my hands and arms. I don't know what the fuck was going on. Then for some reason I all of a sudden got up and ran home. I was terrified. My heart was pounding. I felt watched. I hate this. I hate life. I just want to feel right. Want to be normal. But I'm not. And I don't think I'll ever be. This is my reality. Drugs are all I have. No family, No friends, No love. Fuck it, I guess.

 

[Lost Magic]

Mate, I lost all my core family members before I was 36. I have very few friends and I too struggle with the constant hardships of reality. Many of times I just wanted to die in my sleep and never see another waking day. Society and mental illness has messed me to the core. I have never cut before but I do take tablets to cope and drink alcohol on occasion. You are not alone with these feelings of insecurity. Many of us on here know all too well the pain of living. This is a great site to vent all these feelings and not feel judged, so I hope you take some comfort in that. Peace.

 

[Sensei]

I can tell that you're in deep pain. Do you have a diagnosis?

 

[signifying nothing]

Fuck it, I guess.

Yes, fuck it.

 

[Lost Magic]

Everything I do now is just preparation and getting myself comfortable. I take each day at a time knowing that sometime this year, I will breathe my last. Not saying it will be easy, this is all I know, but neither is waking up to the feeling of impending doom and emptiness.

 

[plough22]

My MH is on the decline. I can feel my life slipping out from under me. Nothing feels right and nothing feels real. The only time I feel decent is when I am fucked up. I can't think straight anymore. There is too much going on in my head an my life that I can't seem to understand anything. Everyday is a struggle. Today I had a breakdown. I don't really understand what happened. I went for a walk and think I had a panic attack or something, because I cut the fuck out of my arms and I really enjoyed it. The way it bled. I couldn't stop. I went deeper and deeper, rubbing the blood all over my hands and arms. I don't know what the fuck was going on. Then for some reason I all of a sudden got up and ran home. I was terrified. My heart was pounding. I felt watched. I hate this. I hate life. I just want to feel right. Want to be normal. But I'm not. And I don't think I'll ever be. This is my reality. Drugs are all I have. No family, No friends, No love. Fuck it, I guess.

It's difficult and dangerous path, self harming. I slap cut scratch, whatever will help with my emotional overload. I take tablets to keel my mood, I drink cause it feels normal, I feel normal.
it's a sad life sometimes, I hope I have an end date. I just need a push.
I hope you feel better. Hope is what I hold to, even that is seeping