Venting lost

[xX.mlnchli]

Me and my boyfriend broke up around 3-4 days ago. He gave me his jacket which still smells of him the day we broke up. I have all of the stuff he gave me still while we were dating.. I don't know if I should continue to still be in his life, because we ended on good terms, but, I just don't think I'll be able to handle seeing him with somebody else. He's moving away, and I'm really at a loss for words. I've told him I didn't want to keep his stuff and every time i attempt to, he kind of forces me to keep them. He also the things I've given him as well.. I don't want to leave his life because I don't want to make him sad, he told me he wanted us to be be best friends, and he really thinks I'm a great person, we both know what's best for us, but neither of us want to leave. The day after we broke up, we had a conversation over the phone and, he wanted to leave completely. We were together for 7 months. I couldn't let him leave me, especially because around this time last year, I was in a situationship with this other guy. Everything is happening the same way it did last year. Ive had to lose many people that were so important to me. I couldnt handle hearing the words " Im going to get out of your life completely, this will probably be the last time you're hearing my voice, I'm sorry. These months I've spent with you, have been amazing. We've made a lot of memories together, but. goodbye" I couldnt lose him. I love him too much. I begged and begged him to stay, which is something I have never ever done before, and now I just. don't know what to do. we're still friends, but it's just not the same. It looks the same on the inside, but it hurts me so much deep within. I want to go back to the way it was, but I dont think it's possible, he hasn't moved yet, he's moving away in a month probably, he still doesn't know yet because he hasn't found an exact location. But eitherway, i'm just so lost. He was the only person who made me feel something. I felt more alive, and more warmth. Everytime I seem to form an actual bond with someone, it ends up getting ruined, by me, them, or someone else. I don't want to have to find someone else. I don't know if anyone will accept me for who I am, for my flaws, my scars. I try not to cry everyday, this pains me so much. Because we're still friends, but at what cost? Life feels cold now and I have to see him as a friend now. We had sex, we cried together, we did so much. I can't do this anymore. I genuinely feel like i'm going to go crazy. I want to relapse, but the only reason I haven't done it is because he'll know. He knows when there's something wrong with me because I can't hide my emotions. I don't want to make him think it's his fault and that I'm getting back at him for breaking up with me. I wouldnt do that, but it hurts so much. My heart aches. Thinking about not having him in my life anymore makes me lose all motivation to continue on living. After the call, I remember the first thing that I felt was complete emptiness, I couldn't process a single thought, and I collapsed onto the floor. My body felt so damn heavy. I didn't feel real and I had lost all the warmth I once had. 2 days after we talked properly and in person, I got used to being around him a little bit, but I still don't feel the warmth I once felt while I was with him.. Nor any warmth at all in my life. I feel a bit lost once again. I don't know where to go anymore. I've lost my way in life once again. I dont understand why I can never keep a good relationship with anyone, or a friendship at all. I'm not a bad person, but the reason i've lost many people is because I've had to push them away knowing it was the right thing to do, or stopped talking to them because we just didn't click anymore. I'm so tired of doing that. Im so so tired..