I always tended towards depression during my life, but was always capable of keeping it at bay.
When I was out of school I kinda got into the whole self improvement stuff, which of course didn't heal me, but gave me some good habits which kept me afloat like doing sports. meditation and reading; quit smoking at large and drunk way less or at least quit hanging out with friends who were drinking every day and hung out with friends who had a life besides of pubs/clubbing.
Anyway, I went on a working holiday in another country, had the time of my life for a year and then fucking pandemic hit; I went back to Europe and started studying in another city. Was actually doing alright until lockdown (I remember a week before lockdown I was at my desired weight since I was on a diet the previous 3 months). Anyway everything was online and sucked nuts, I lost all my motivation, quit reading, meditation, did half assed sports, ate shit only and drunk like 4 times a week or something. I didn't do shit for uni, played games and watched youtube for like 7 months of the lockdown.
Once everything lifted, I didn't give a fuck about anything and just went on like that.
This year at the beginning of it I thought something has to change so I moved back to my home town, quit uni since it was useless anyway and I started using SSRIs (but quit them few weeks ago)
I just don't know, before all of this I had an unshakeabke belief that I'm capable of improving my life; it wasn't good at times, but there was always something worth striving for. That life had some grandeur to it and good behaviour had inherent value. Like that reading random books is good since knowledge is generally valuable or that going to the gym 4 times a week is good since doing sports is good.
Anyway, since beginning of pandemic all of it is just poof, gone. My habits, my beliefs, everything and I have zero clue how to get it back. Like I do drink less, I do more sports, I had a job and trying to start a business RN so it's definitely improving, but back in the day I'd be like super focussed and convinced that it's good what I'm doing but now I just don't give a single fuck about it anymore. Like I'm not like 2020 "everything is useless anyway I won't do anything" but I'm also far from being convinced that it's worth the trouble and the general energy and high level of drivenness/ambition by this "a better future awaits me" is totally gone. so annoying
When I was out of school I kinda got into the whole self improvement stuff, which of course didn't heal me, but gave me some good habits which kept me afloat like doing sports. meditation and reading; quit smoking at large and drunk way less or at least quit hanging out with friends who were drinking every day and hung out with friends who had a life besides of pubs/clubbing.
Anyway, I went on a working holiday in another country, had the time of my life for a year and then fucking pandemic hit; I went back to Europe and started studying in another city. Was actually doing alright until lockdown (I remember a week before lockdown I was at my desired weight since I was on a diet the previous 3 months). Anyway everything was online and sucked nuts, I lost all my motivation, quit reading, meditation, did half assed sports, ate shit only and drunk like 4 times a week or something. I didn't do shit for uni, played games and watched youtube for like 7 months of the lockdown.
Once everything lifted, I didn't give a fuck about anything and just went on like that.
This year at the beginning of it I thought something has to change so I moved back to my home town, quit uni since it was useless anyway and I started using SSRIs (but quit them few weeks ago)
I just don't know, before all of this I had an unshakeabke belief that I'm capable of improving my life; it wasn't good at times, but there was always something worth striving for. That life had some grandeur to it and good behaviour had inherent value. Like that reading random books is good since knowledge is generally valuable or that going to the gym 4 times a week is good since doing sports is good.
Anyway, since beginning of pandemic all of it is just poof, gone. My habits, my beliefs, everything and I have zero clue how to get it back. Like I do drink less, I do more sports, I had a job and trying to start a business RN so it's definitely improving, but back in the day I'd be like super focussed and convinced that it's good what I'm doing but now I just don't give a single fuck about it anymore. Like I'm not like 2020 "everything is useless anyway I won't do anything" but I'm also far from being convinced that it's worth the trouble and the general energy and high level of drivenness/ambition by this "a better future awaits me" is totally gone. so annoying
