Venting Lost my access to SN

[puella]

I tried to pick my SN up from my dad's warehouse (only through him to bypass shipping regulations). I had told him it was for a chemistry project; it shouldn't have raised any red flags. But when I asked about picking it up, he said "We need to talk about that".

The only person I've really been opening up to about my feelings lately has been my girlfriend. I pressured her to tell me if anything happened. She had told my parents everything about my plan to CTB. I was stupid to tell her about it in the first place—I know—all it did was worry her. But I only talked to her about it when I wasn't thinking clearly. And I trusted her with all of my heart and mind. I never even imagined she would go behind my back and lie to me about it.

I've never trusted someone 100%, before her. It felt really special to be able to hide absolutely nothing around someone else. I probably won't be able to trust someone that much again. I'm f***king stupid.

So now I'm in the same horrible position I was in before, with no one to feel close with anymore, and I'm completely trapped with no method to CTB. I don't even know what to do about it; I'm completely overwhelmed. It feels similar to claustrophobia.

All I want is out.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so awful, I certainly understand that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in this existence. I find it so incredibly cruel how others wish to take away the comfort of having the option of a reliable way to cease existing on our own terms, but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

It's an absolutely awful feeling losing the trust in the one person you gave it to and on top of that losing access to your ctb method. I feel for you and hope everything gets better whichever way that might be.
Much love

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's so awful.

 

[Novacaine]

Sorry to hear. It sucks when it doesn't go as planned. Personally I trust no one so I don't end up in situations like that. Good luck with whatever you do moving forward

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Situations like this is what I always keep in mind to avoid, telling no one is absolutely paramount at all costs to avoid stressful situations like this.

 

[gbi2]

So sorry to hear this. I learned (eventually) the only people you can trust are the ones who you know have had the same experiences as you, even then, the trust can go the moment your experiences change.

 

[Ashe]

I'm sorry to hear that, the sting of knowing that someone you trusted put a metaphorical knife in your back. I've learned that its a trap no matter what that you can't open up to people about wanting to CTB because they'll just act on their selfish desire to keep your agony and torture going.

 

[HollowDrop]

It's not a very good thing to even be in a relationship while actively working towards suicide. If your partner loves you they WILL stop you, unless they also want to genuinely die. This is a very expected outcome. She might want to keep being with you and cares for you and refuses to accept you dying. Most people would want someone they love to live, no matter how cruel it feels.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Sorry to hear this happened... Some information are quite sensitive and could mess up all... I hope you'll be able to walk around this eventually..

 

[puella]

It's not a very good thing to even be in a relationship while actively working towards suicide. If your partner loves you they WILL stop you, unless they also want to genuinely die. This is a very expected outcome. She might want to keep being with you and cares for you and refuses to accept you dying. Most people would want someone they love to live, no matter how cruel it feels.

You're right. I've been stupid.

 

[HollowDrop]

You're right. I've been stupid.

Not stupid, just human. We cannot always make the best decisions or predict how other people will act. You didn't think she would do this.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I'm so sorry.

I know you have been so resolved at this point. I'm so sorry you're having this suffering upon your suffering. What are your plans now?

It hurts that they broke your trust in that way. Sometimes I want to share with my long term partner my ctb plans, but I'm always afraid they won't understand and will block it.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm so sorry Puella! :( It must feel awful to have your trust broken by someone who care so deeply for :( especially when it's for something as comforting as SN~
but pls remember, she's doing this because she loves you~ I wish my ex-bf realized that :( so pls make sure to love her too during this holiday season in spite of it all! >_<

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

She had told my parents everything about my plan to CTB. I was stupid to tell her about it in the first place—I know—all it did was worry her. But I only talked to her about it when I wasn't thinking clearly. And I trusted her with all of my heart and mind. I never even imagined she would go behind my back and lie to me about it.

I know it's hard for you that your plans were revealed to your parents. But don't rush to conclusions.
What she did was not betrayal. She didn't cheat on you, as far as I understand. She didn't reveal your inmost to other.
I have seen many forms of betrayal. And the worst forms. Including trust. When told such inmost, personal things to dirty scum.
What you girlfriend did was not even close to betrayal. It's obvious that she loves you and doesn't want you to die. As far as I understand, she only spoke about intention to commit suicide.
I'm glad you reconnected relationship with her before it was too late. What you told her earlier about breaking up with her - that's what was wrong. You are very lucky that she loves you. Some people would be offended after this.

I probably won't be able to trust someone that much again. I'm f***king stupid.

You are not stupid in this situation. She didn't betray your trust. And this is not the kind of situation where you should say such a phrase.

I know that you are unlikely to listen... but don't rush to ctb. At least you have one loving person who has not betrayed your trust. Even though you may think otherwise. Not to mention the great potential as transwoman which you have.

Sorry for answering late. I haven't had internet access since January 1 until today.