cath55555
Addict with a Pen
- Feb 5, 2022
- 63
I think, as the title says- I have lost more friends.
the first was a toxic friendship, and whilst I don't particularly miss the way they made me feel in the bad moments, I miss the good. I can't remember if I talked about this one before, but I basically cut them off. I feel so much guilt for that.
the second is someone I really considered a friend, no toxicity from my point of view. it feels like they're distant from me though. recently it's like, they won't talk to me "properly", just like my messages, and leave it at that. I'm not sure where I went wrong, and I'm too afraid to ask them what's going on in case I make it worse; inevitably, I fear I will lose them too.
it feels often like I'm the toxic shadow, the bad influence. as if the nastiness inside me is beginning to spill out from the cracks and faults I know are there, even though I can't see them on my skin. I am broken, and I don't know how to fix the fact that everything, everyone, every single detail of life I touch seems to break too. is my sadness so contagious? or is it instead blinding me, leaving me unable to see anything I do as wrong, a sad cloud of self pity?
I'm not sure of anything any more. I don't know who I am. I don't know who the people around me are. I know nothing and everything at the same time; depression and psychosis dancing in my mind and conflicting my views.
I don't even know what I'm trying to express right now. sorry if you read all of this. I just need to shout somewhere sometimes, and know I'll be heard.
the first was a toxic friendship, and whilst I don't particularly miss the way they made me feel in the bad moments, I miss the good. I can't remember if I talked about this one before, but I basically cut them off. I feel so much guilt for that.
the second is someone I really considered a friend, no toxicity from my point of view. it feels like they're distant from me though. recently it's like, they won't talk to me "properly", just like my messages, and leave it at that. I'm not sure where I went wrong, and I'm too afraid to ask them what's going on in case I make it worse; inevitably, I fear I will lose them too.
it feels often like I'm the toxic shadow, the bad influence. as if the nastiness inside me is beginning to spill out from the cracks and faults I know are there, even though I can't see them on my skin. I am broken, and I don't know how to fix the fact that everything, everyone, every single detail of life I touch seems to break too. is my sadness so contagious? or is it instead blinding me, leaving me unable to see anything I do as wrong, a sad cloud of self pity?
I'm not sure of anything any more. I don't know who I am. I don't know who the people around me are. I know nothing and everything at the same time; depression and psychosis dancing in my mind and conflicting my views.
I don't even know what I'm trying to express right now. sorry if you read all of this. I just need to shout somewhere sometimes, and know I'll be heard.