Loss of self

[BrokenHopes]

When I am in a group of people it is like I loose my sense of self, sometimes only one human being is enough for it to happen.
It is like myself and my thoughts gets erased. Almost like an robotic being just following the crowd or the conversations.
If for example someone mentions they do not like a certain activity, I immediatly feel stupied for liking it. Like I am always wrong and the other people are better. I don't believe I have always been this way.
Can anybody relate?

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i understand. i don't know what the case is for you, but for me, i don't want to be ostracized. i want to be liked. and i'll do what it takes, even if that means losing my sense of self.

 

[Lostandlooking]

It's only natural to want to be liked. Everyone needs some affective affirmation. If you cannot connect with the things people generally like you'll understandably feel different. I got that feeling in the past as well. As if I'm acting out a play. I find myself reacting in a socially acceptable way. And I just hide whatever doesn't fit the norm. At the end of the day you can really lose yourself like that.

 

[262653]

I haven't been in large groups for quite a while, except online communities maybe, but I remember that feel quite well. Actually it happens here too, usually without my awareness, like when I write a message. Like I always (often) try to present myself as a smart person, so I try my best to make complex sentences, avoid tautologies, that kind of thing. I understand that it's a waste of time and effort. I guess it's some sort of a bad habit, like there's a certain unrealistic ideal set before me and I'm trying my best to live up to it, usually to no avail.

I don't like this feeling. Some sort of hidden blocks are preventing me to "be myself", and these blocks have an "up-keep cost", they feel very draining, and soon I want to leave the group so I can "drop my armor" and feel the breeze of the wind.

I don't know exactly what to do with this, but I think the most important thing is to become aware when this loss of self happening. Without knowing that it happens how can one do something about it? I'm trying to maintain awareness as I write this post.

With... (checks the profile) her message, @Lostandlooking reminded me that there might be some kind of hardwired behavior, something that can't be reasoned with. I've read before that one of the ways of dealing with emotions is through imagination. I can imagine toasting my enemies with lightning sparks Palpatine style, and feel good about it, even though it didn't "actually" happen. Emotions can't seem to tell the difference between "real" and percieved events. I don't know yet how these ideas could help dealing with the loss of self in groups, just sounds like something that could help managing self maybe?

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I feel this. Something shook up my fundamental trust in myself and my perceptions and now suddenly I care what people think of me and what I do. It's like hypnosis, or falling under a spell. I used to feign blending in to avoid suspicion but now I do it because I actually want the affirmation that I used to not care for. It's kind of gross and I'm at a loss as to how to repair myself.

 

[BrokenHopes]

I don't like this feeling. Some sort of hidden blocks are preventing me to "be myself", and these blocks have an "up-keep cost", they feel very draining, and soon I want to leave the group so I can "drop my armor" and feel the breeze of the wind.

Wow! This here is something I have felt for a long long time. You express it so well! Hidden blocks. It is like you just get blocked from being yourself. I want to be myself but it just happens automaticly. And its extremly draining like you say. I often also just long for the moment I can drop my armor.

Going to pay more attention to exactly when the armor goes on.

Sometimes I feel like if I didnt have this armor and I could be myself everything would be so different. And I would be able to cope in the world.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

Sometimes I feel like if I didnt have this armor and I could be myself everything would be so different. And I would be able to cope in the world.

I'm not recommending it by any means but this is basically how/why I became an alcoholic. It blocks the blocks and suddenly I can think clearly when I'm around other people. The freedom is addictive, people like me more and are more comfortable around me.

It sucks because otherwise my mind is in a vice grip and it's literally devoid of thoughts. Wish I knew how to do it naturally so I can stop being a drunken asshole!

 

[BrokenHopes]

I feel this. Something shook up my fundamental trust in myself and my perceptions and now suddenly I care what people think of me and what I do. It's like hypnosis, or falling under a spell. I used to feign blending in to avoid suspicion but now I do it because I actually want the affirmation that I used to not care for. It's kind of gross and I'm at a loss as to how to repair myself.

Yeah ! It is the same for me. It truly feels like hypnosis or a spell.
I probably always had it a little bit, but not to this debilitating extent. That only happend after a truly horrifying experience.
I don't even want the affirmation. For a while I did. But no longer, well maybe subconciously.
I try to tell myself I don't need other peoples apporval. External validation is not a prerequisite for self appreciation.
But when another human being shows up that I do not feel safe with. All that goes out the window. And I'm like a damn automaton following their every move.

I'm not recommending it by any means but this is basically how/why I became an alcoholic. It blocks the blocks and suddenly I can think clearly when I'm around other people. The freedom is addictive, people like me more and are more comfortable around me.

It sucks because otherwise my mind is in a vice grip and it's literally devoid of thoughts. Wish I knew how to do it naturally so I can stop being a drunken asshole!

I have been down that road. In my teenage years alcohol was my solution. But I became addicted to that and other drugs.
Been clean 2 years and don't intend to go back.
I have to learn how to do it without the booze. I like being sober.
I'm sure you can learn it too !

 

[Xocoyotziin]

But when another human being shows up that I do not feel safe with. All that goes out the window. And I'm like a damn automaton following their every move.

Damn, same. It's so weird because normally I kind of pride myself on independence. I can't get over how when something like this happens a switch flips in my brain and I suddenly turn so *submissive*. And not like fun sexy submissive, or submissive out of respect like to a teacher or elder, it's just hardwired neurological fuckery. It's humiliating.

I can't stand being observed or supervised too, same thing happens, I'm doing some task and doing it well, then someone peeks in on me, my mind freezes, I start fucking up and look incompetent, which then justifies more supervision to repeat the cycle.

And usually whoever's on the other end of this makes all kinds of assumptions about me and projects characteristics I don't really have onto me because at this point I'm basically a blank canvas and they can do whatever the fuck they want. It's infuriating when people think they "know" you after an interaction like this, but really it's just an opening for some kind of psychological assault. I just don't care, leave me alone you know?

I have been down that road. In my teenage years alcohol was my solution. But I became addicted to that and other drugs.

Been clean 2 years and don't intend to go back.

I have to learn how to do it without the booze. I like being sober.

I'm sure you can learn it too !

Thanks bro/sis/earthmate. I'm not in a place where I feel I can up and abandon it quite yet, don't really have a support system and all that and AA makes me uncomfortable. But I hope to one day because even though it may seem counterintuitive I'm afraid if I keep this up it may literally kill me, unpleasantly too.

I'm always glad to hear success stories, and I'm glad that you made it out, even if you're still here on SS. Gives me a lot of hope. I can hardly imagine putting it down for two weeks, let alone two years. That takes strength.

 

[262653]

It's like hypnosis, or falling under a spell.

Yeah, that's how I feel it too. But realize it until after the conversation is over and I say to myself "what the hell was that?". It's also feels to me like waking up and only then I recall the dream I had last night, and sometimes I can't seem to recall anything at all.

I'll read all the comments tomorrow. I feel there is much for me to reflect about. This forum can be a good place for "working with blocks", a training ground.

I've noticed that sometimes I feel the blocks removed when I'm going meta. I'm writing about how I feel restrained, and basically whatever comes to mind. Right now I feel that I have to say something, to respond with something. That itself is kind of a pressure too. Obligation set before me by forces unknown. I take a few breaths and realize that I have nothing to say right now, and that is fine too. Sometimes trying to say something, to come up with something specific, feels like trying to squeeze up the blue toothpaste out of the tube with green toothpaste. Unrealistic expectations (blue paste) meet what seems to be the reality, or how things actually are (green paste, or whatever there actually is). It's easier to do this online bc I have time to think and examine my feelings.

 

[BrokenHopes]

Damn, same. It's so weird because normally I kind of pride myself on independence. I can't get over how when something like this happens a switch flips in my brain and I suddenly turn so *submissive*. And not like fun sexy submissive, or submissive out of respect like to a teacher or elder, it's just hardwired neurological fuckery. It's humiliating.

I can't stand being observed or supervised too, same thing happens, I'm doing some task and doing it well, then someone peeks in on me, my mind freezes, I start fucking up and look incompetent, which then justifies more supervision to repeat the cycle.

And usually whoever's on the other end of this makes all kinds of assumptions about me and projects characteristics I don't really have onto me because at this point I'm basically a blank canvas and they can do whatever the fuck they want. It's infuriating when people think they "know" you after an interaction like this, but really it's just an opening for some kind of psychological assault. I just don't care, leave me alone you know?


Thanks bro/sis/earthmate. I'm not in a place where I feel I can up and abandon it quite yet, don't really have a support system and all that and AA makes me uncomfortable. But I hope to one day because even though it may seem counterintuitive I'm afraid if I keep this up it may literally kill me, unpleasantly too.

I'm always glad to hear success stories, and I'm glad that you made it out, even if you're still here on SS. Gives me a lot of hope. I can hardly imagine putting it down for two weeks, let alone two years. That takes strength.

I feel you man. Hardwired neurological fuckery. That's exactly what it is. It's like you have no control over it.
I also suffer from messing up when being observed or supervised. Exactly like you!
This makes me feel I can never get a job or excel at anything.
But there must be a way to get over it.


Thank you! I guess it did take some strength. One year ago I found SS and was deeply deeply depressed and contemplated suicide. I decided to give life a last shot. SS actually helped me alot in being able to talk freely without being judged. Thats why I am here now.
I went to NA for some time, I learned some good stuff there but also don't feel comfortable there.
To lower pressure, take it one day or one hour, second even at a time is helpful.
You just do whatever you need to do when you need it or when you feel ready.
You can always write me if there is something you want to talk about.

Edit: You can call me sis or earthmate

Yeah, that's how I feel it too. But realize it until after the conversation is over and I say to myself "what the hell was that?". It's also feels to me like waking up and only then I recall the dream I had last night, and sometimes I can't seem to recall anything at all.

I'll read all the comments tomorrow. I feel there is much for me to reflect about. This forum can be a good place for "working with blocks", a training ground.

I've noticed that sometimes I feel the blocks removed when I'm going meta. I'm writing about how I feel restrained, and basically whatever comes to mind. Right now I feel that I have to say something, to respond with something. That itself is kind of a pressure too. Obligation set before me by forces unknown. I take a few breaths and realize that I have nothing to say right now, and that is fine too. Sometimes trying to say something, to come up with something specific, feels like trying to squeeze up the blue toothpaste out of the tube with green toothpaste. Unrealistic expectations (blue paste) meet what seems to be the reality, or how things actually are (green paste, or whatever there actually is). It's easier to do this online bc I have time to think and examine my feelings.

Yeah this forum is for sure a good training ground. I could not write like this one year ago. So there has actually been some progress.

You don't have to feel pressure to answer right away. I feel that too though. It's like this thing nagging in the back of your head washing you over with judgement or guilt for not answering. But you just do it when you want to. I think that is great training to. To follow what you yourself want to do and flush all those other voices away.
Yeah like you say saying nothing is fine as well or answering in couple of days or whenever feels right.

 

[262653]

About alcohol and being likeable. I remember getting drunk on the school party. it was my first school party, as well as my first alcohol poisoning. As I learned during the next school gathering, I did a lot of silly things and have been hitting on girls. (Usually my behavior is the polar opposite.) They seemed to like me, and looked like on one of their own, but at the same time I felt very alienated.

I feel you man. Hardwired neurological fuckery. That's exactly what it is. It's like you have no control over it.
I also suffer from messing up when being observed or supervised. Exactly like you!
This makes me feel I can never get a job or excel at anything.
But there must be a way to get over it.

About control. I imagine the slave who has to keep carrying bricks from zone A to zone B. When the slave is uncooperative, he is beaten into submission. Maybe to make the example less harsh, the masters also take care of his subsistence, give him good food, a lice-free bed etc., as long as he does what is demanded. Having the right knowledge, knowing the proper technique to carry bricks, would allow him to reduce fatigue and the risks of injury, and the task becomes less stressful and exhausting.

A little step back. The desirable thing about being in control is to be able to manipulate the universe (events, "internal" processes, anything really) to meet personal objective, like avoiding pain and reaching for pleasure. While that slave doesn't seem to be in control of the situation (weaker than his masters; wired to avoid pain, and to pursue the most optimal ways of securing his objectives), the right knowledge can allow him to choose more efficient path, and to feel less pain and suffering in the process, so it may look like he's more in control now, but I think he still succumbs to the same laws, and feels better as a result of the new variable introduced to his decision making system.