Venting Losing the motivation to get better

[ignatius]

I am 19 years ald and I have been through so much in my life. I had a disease when I was one or two years old which affected my speech negatively and permanently. My school years have been the worst and I seen as a weirdo who can't even speak one word to a stranger and I never had any friends throughout my life. I started cutting myself since I was 14 and thats when I first thought of ctb'ing(can't believe it's been 5 years and I'm still here). Currently I am done with my school and I am unable to get into a college as no college wants an autistic piece of shit, and there's nothing I can do rn. I am losing the motivation to do anything, the motivation to get better or work on myself as it's pointless my speech is always gonna hold me back. What's the point of me living I'm never going to get married and I won't ever have a job. I am just a burden on my family that needs to be lifted away because I love my parents and I don't want them to waste anymore money or time on me. I am so sorry for my selfishness I'd be breaking their hearts for my personal desire to die but that's the only choice I have. The method I have decided is to jump in front of a train but what are the odds of me surviving and is there anything I could do to increase the odds of me dying?

 

[EyeWish...]

The question you got to ask yourself is "Am I willing to traumatize another human being so I can end my suffering?" There are other methods out there that causes less trauma. As with "How likely am I to die?" pretty likely but there's always a chance you'll live and in this case you'd be a vegetable.

 

[ignatius]

There are other methods out there that causes less trauma.

Like what? I need a method that's easily accessible, quick death and doesn't cost any money. I have thought about jumping but the odds aren't as high and I have also thought about hanging myself but that's painful

 

[4g1vvvven]

People generally don't like the train method here.

Their reasons seem to be concern for rail crew, passengers, witnesses, etc. I can appreciate trying to minimise trauma for others. I can however also appreciate the desperate mindset and as you say, with suicide it seems hard to avoid devastation for those closest to you, no matter what the method is.

I've been fixated on this method in dark times, seems quite instant, available, and uncomplicated sometimes.

Sorry to hear about your struggles with autism, there is relationship between this condition and suicidality.

There are horror stories or people surviving, I often saw survival rates between 1/10 and 1/3, there are also a fair few videos which show just how horrifically it can go.

There's a lot of variables at play and collisions are often unpredictable I'm afraid.