Venting Losing someone because you don't want to get better

[kunikuzushi]

I've regrettably told my partner about my suicidal thoughts in the past. And I forgot most people aren't desensitized to this topic, so they got really disturbed.

Ever since then they keep telling me they'll support me while I get better. I keep saying I don't want to get better. They get really upset. I tell them I have no future because of all my trauma and personality disorders making life hell and making it impossible for me to keep a job and take care of myself. They tell me it's my choice whether I have a future or not. Fuck that. I'm destroyed and they keep invalidating how much I'm suffering.

Lately I've completely shut down and they are very upset that I stopped showing affection and don't have energy to do anything with them. Of course I understand that I'm hurting them. I've told them I'm trying my best and they haven't left me yet, but they keep saying they can't handle how I am anymore. I don't want to be alone, but I guess that's selfish when I'm planning on dying soon.

 

[continuing]

They care about yourself, it's just too much for them to handle as well, try to see for their eyes.

 

[kunikuzushi]

They care about yourself, it's just too much for them to handle as well, try to see for their eyes.

I just said "Of course I understand that I'm hurting them." I'm allowed to feel invalidated and not want to get better. I stopped talking to them about these things because I know it's too much for them. But in the end it's still my life to take if I want to.

 

[ceriseange♡]

I've regrettably told my partner about my suicidal thoughts in the past. And I forgot most people aren't desensitized to this topic, so they got really disturbed.

Ever since then they keep telling me they'll support me while I get better. I keep saying I don't want to get better. They get really upset. I tell them I have no future because of all my trauma and personality disorders making life hell and making it impossible for me to keep a job and take care of myself. They tell me it's my choice whether I have a future or not. Fuck that. I'm destroyed and they keep invalidating how much I'm suffering.

Lately I've completely shut down and they are very upset that I stopped showing affection and don't have energy to do anything with them. Of course I understand that I'm hurting them. I've told them I'm trying my best and they haven't left me yet, but they keep saying they can't handle how I am anymore. I don't want to be alone, but I guess that's selfish when I'm planning on dying soon.

I'm so so sorry. As much as in a way it is true that it's up to push through and try to get better - it's exhausting. Of course we want our loved ones to live and thrive, but as someone also struggling with trauma and mental health (not quite in the same way but with similar results) it's so hard to keep pace how we're 'supposed to. Those factors can make it nearly impossible. Recovering is hard. Living is hard and hope can be very very hard to come by. I really do get it. I've gone through similar things with friends and as much as I can see why your partner would be hurt and scared your struggles shouldn't be invalidated. You're suffering. Sometimes we don't want solutions, we just want comfort. I'm going to die anyway, yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't want that sense of love before I go.

I really am sorry you're going through this. I really am wishing you the best through this <3

 

[kunikuzushi]

I'm so so sorry. As much as in a way it is true that it's up to push through and try to get better - it's exhausting. Of course we want our loved ones to live and thrive, but as someone also struggling with trauma and mental health (not quite in the same way but with similar results) it's so hard to keep pace how we're 'supposed to. Those factors can make it nearly impossible. Recovering is hard. Living is hard and hope can be very very hard to come by. I really do get it. I've gone through similar things with friends and as much as I can see why your partner would be hurt and scared your struggles shouldn't be invalidated. You're suffering. Sometimes we don't want solutions, we just want comfort. I'm going to die anyway, yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't want that sense of love before I go.

I really am sorry you're going through this. I really am wishing you the best through this <3

Thank you so much. You're so sweet to say this. I'm really sorry you're facing similar things. Thank you for understanding and for the kind words and I wish you the best too.