I have every financial and existential reason to CTB, but I'm losing the will to go through with it. This is a combination of sheer survival instinct, comfort with my current but fading housing situation, and fear about the weak points of my exit plan. Concerning the latter...
...I plan to exit using a fentanyl-laced heroin overdose (after a couple days in a motel room getting cracked off my tits), which right away is a weak point. As often as people fatally overdose on F-laced H in this country (tens of thousands per year), the odds of it happening on demand don't seem to be great. Purity of product is so iffy.
Next is the issue of procurement. I lost touch with my last "plug" (dealer) and contacting a new one carries the risk that it will be a honeypot resulting in arrest. I'm really not sure what I'd do then. Even if I manage to avoid a honeypot, I don't want to overdose and have police tracking down my plug to charge them with murder or manslaughter, and I really don't see any way around that part if I'm successful, even if I make it clear that my death by illicit opioids was a suicide.
If I attempt to procure drugs, I will literally have to stage an escape from my house which will result in immediate eviction once discovered. So there's no going back. I cannot currently even afford the reduced room and board at my family home and I definitely couldn't afford to live on my own after escaping. So initiating my exit plan automatically means I'd be homeless and without access to a car. I'd be out on the streets with no income and deeply in debt (including to the IRS!). I won't be able to afford another relatively peaceful attempt at CTB, and I know that I won't have the courage to attempt the cost-free and violent methods of jumping off a high place or in front of a speeding truck or train.
Ironically, as I was typing all this I got a notification from the bank that I'd failed to make the last payment on one of my credit cards, which is a first in a long time for me, and which made me think really hard if I am ready to make good on this shaky plan while I can still afford to. I realize that I am simply not, even though I will run out of money this month. The odds of success just aren't high enough (H+F overdose) while my SI isn't low enough. I wish I knew what to do.
...I plan to exit using a fentanyl-laced heroin overdose (after a couple days in a motel room getting cracked off my tits), which right away is a weak point. As often as people fatally overdose on F-laced H in this country (tens of thousands per year), the odds of it happening on demand don't seem to be great. Purity of product is so iffy.
Next is the issue of procurement. I lost touch with my last "plug" (dealer) and contacting a new one carries the risk that it will be a honeypot resulting in arrest. I'm really not sure what I'd do then. Even if I manage to avoid a honeypot, I don't want to overdose and have police tracking down my plug to charge them with murder or manslaughter, and I really don't see any way around that part if I'm successful, even if I make it clear that my death by illicit opioids was a suicide.
If I attempt to procure drugs, I will literally have to stage an escape from my house which will result in immediate eviction once discovered. So there's no going back. I cannot currently even afford the reduced room and board at my family home and I definitely couldn't afford to live on my own after escaping. So initiating my exit plan automatically means I'd be homeless and without access to a car. I'd be out on the streets with no income and deeply in debt (including to the IRS!). I won't be able to afford another relatively peaceful attempt at CTB, and I know that I won't have the courage to attempt the cost-free and violent methods of jumping off a high place or in front of a speeding truck or train.
Ironically, as I was typing all this I got a notification from the bank that I'd failed to make the last payment on one of my credit cards, which is a first in a long time for me, and which made me think really hard if I am ready to make good on this shaky plan while I can still afford to. I realize that I am simply not, even though I will run out of money this month. The odds of success just aren't high enough (H+F overdose) while my SI isn't low enough. I wish I knew what to do.
