Venting losing my virginity was the worst thing of my life

[Lastwishes]

tw: pedophilia, possible sa? im not sure
i really dont know where to vent since this is so recent so im using this account

i grew up as a very unloved child, never received any gifts, compliments, nothing. ever since growing into a teen i feel like every man that is nice to me sees me as a sex object, but since it was the only form of love that i could get i was always sending nudes to people like them. the one that stuck most around is my current boyfriend, we met 5 years ago when i was 13-14, i feel so gross thinking about everything ive done but i couldnt stop, i feel like i dont deserve real love so i keep doing it i hate myself for it. last month i met a guy, 45 in real life, him hugging me was the first romantic touch i ever felt and i hated myself so much for it, i dont even like him, i felt like dying everytime he touched me, but i was so scared of him that i couldnt say no to him offering to have sex with me, every second it felt horrifying, i was supposed to be shopping, not in a random guys house having sex, im such a fucking whore
i hate myself more from it because i cheated with my boyfriend, i cant even maintain the guy who has prevented me from dying with me, i literally cant even talk to him he probably would know hes going to kill me if he finds out about this since of my now repulsion of sex since hes a very sexual guy
ever since i lost my virginity with him i just became extremely repulsed to sexual stuff, it makes me want to vomit since it reminds me of him, i didnt even say no so im probably just exaggerating and didnt even get raped, it was all my fault
everytime i try to get better i fuck up even more, maybe its a sign lol

 

[Neowise]

I wouldn't say everything here is your fault. Obviously you grew up under harsh conditions to say the least - I don't know your full story after all. Like this your mind started playing tricks on you and making you do things you don't want to do. You have a different way to prioritize things and make desicions compared to other, "healty" people. But being different doesn't mean being in the wrong.
You shouldn't be so harsh on yourself, reflect on your actions and why you chose to do what you did and give it time. Perhaps therapy could help you in your case, too.