Help Losing my ability to think and feel alive bit by bit

[aliaslena]

My condition has made it so that I struggle to even formulate my thoughts. It leads me to blanking out, like I'm in a state of paralysis or something. It's a struggle to talk to my therapist because my thoughts fail to translate into words. Even now, typing this, it takes me a whole lot of time to finish a sentence. It's a strange, inconceivable feeling. It's as if my own mind is holding me captive and taunting me. It's quite peculiar. I understand that I have a deficiency in my ability to think, but my mind is holding me down so I can't progress. What I'm left with is a hollow, incomplete feeling that permeates my being. It involuntarily leads me to the abyss, to the void because its like my mind has already chosen this prophecy for me. Is it that my mind has already chosen for me to die, which is why it leads me to the same dead end over and over again? My unconscious and conscious are at wits end. My conscious awareness is attracted to progress and pushes me to prosper. At the same time, an ulterior darkness, the 'magnet' to the void pulls me to the opposite direction. So as I am living am breathing, being physically alive, I am trapped in an equilibrium between hope and despair. A limbo to say it in other words. I let life filter through me and pass me by, but I am hollow.

My questions for other people are: What is there to do when your existence is in a stasis? If someone has a lack in their capability to think at a competent degree (where they can operate like other beings who feel 'fulfilled' or feel like they have meaning in their existence) because of an existential dread, what can be a potential panacea or even just a way to be able to deal with the dread if all you have is your mind and sentience (in your own viewpoint)?

Thank you everyone. I've been contemplating these thoughts for a while, and I'm grateful for an unorthodox community like this where people can share thoughts like these without fearing condemnation or misconceived sentiments from close-minded people

 

[Bct]

Sorry for what you're going through. It must be really hard. Sadly I don't know the answer either, being unable to do anything is really hard :/

 

[DeadButDreaming]

Much of what you wrote, aliaslena, is applicable to me too. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers myself.

 

[aliaslena]

Sorry for what you're going through. It must be really hard. Sadly I don't know the answer either, being unable to do anything is really hard :/

Thank you for kindness I have no tools to CTB for now. I've been reading edifying books and trying to familiarize myself with philosophy to make sense of it all. I think it's been helping.

Much of what you wrote, aliaslena, is applicable to me too. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers myself.

It's such a struggle isn't it? A quote from a book I read recently (Man's Search For Meaning) gives me a semblance of an answer; "It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual". But it's also a struggle when you don't even know what life wants from us. I guess the "truth" cannot be expressed in words, but has to come within. But I don't even understand that concept myself.