Venting Losing my ability to even decide on food. Tw: eating disorder stuff

[Livingvsdying25]

Been looking at menus since this morning buttttttttt losing my ability to even decide on food. But this morning I feel even weaker and such. I needa decide or smthin. Just bliwing my nose left me winded.

But I can't decide bc I dunno what I'll be able to eat rn. Im tryna think what can be warmed up later and only have some ideas ugh. I don't usually worry about not eating for a few days but after a few days I do get worried bc the physical capacity wains, blood sugar drops low enough that moving is really hard and yeah.


Honestly too as I've been sick I've been reflecting on how often I would go through something and either gaslight myself with positivity or have others do it for me. Never allowing enough space to just feel it. That's a problem bc then I just feel it all at once and that's not good either.

Majority of the things and the severity of em isnt something anyone can live through but it feels like im forcing myself to. Its tiring. So yeah no more pretending even if that means being at the bottom barrel of it all.


Anyway.... sighssss I needa decide wtf to eat. Thought of fruit but that includes a grocery order in which I'd wanna/needa get other stuff so worry about finances. Thought of smoothie and that's.... ok... but meh. And financially not using it the best. thinking of pasta but a lot of arm work. Thought of tacos but not so good reheated. Sighs I dunno. Ig I have some ideas..


Shall jus keep thinking. Maybe it also comes down to how much I hate myself rn.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

(Shall just use this thread to continue food related struggles & thoughts)

Been drinking (not enough for daily amount but its smthin) electrolyte water. Tho if I remember this one doesn't have much if any sugar. Im becoming resistant to even drinking that. Cannot decide on what to eat. Don't really want to either.

Getting up doesn't feel as bad as before. So hopefully by tmrw I'll be a lil more mobile. Hopefully my nose is less stuffed. I've been up for hours and im sleep but I can't tell/think it's most likely bc of lack of food. I had some hunger that passed but sometimes I'll watch mukbang vids to stimulate appetite. That happened earlier and I couldn't decide what to eat.

I feel like I'm the world's like best faker. I faked & forced my way through most of my eating disorder stuff so it wasn't as much of an issue/was eating better last yr. I didn't and still don't have enough money for treatment. I tried explaining that to my Dad and he kept asking what exactly treatment would accomplish that I couldn't just do myself. So. Yeah. That's where some of this stupid ass thinking of just white knuckling it through things comes from.

Fake isnt sustainable and it's very tiring too. I think im recognizing that more often than not I just force my way through things bc I've had to in life due to no one being willing or wanting to support so being alone. The most relaxed or relief I've felt throughout my struggles is having support of my friend & my support workers. Genuine support. Not having to carry the world on my shoulders.

But im crashing myself. One of my other friends made a comment this yr that just bc I've carried mountains alone for yrs doesn't mean I'll be able to forever and she's right. I just kept moving mountains and saying its ok. Pretending like it wasn't burning me out bc even when I expressed that before no one listened until recently/ the friends ive made in the last yr & the support workers I have.



So the concept of caring for myself within struggles or slowing down enough to do so or recognizing my struggles & not just having to keep going but being able to safely stop and find solutiond that don't add more stress to myself but lower it. That's very new.

It's just rhe eating disorders lie that I don't wanna eat. Dont/ my personal willingness within this is a lie. Within anorexia it's not some choice that's easily broken. So yeah I'm sinking in further and honestly I dunno wtf to do. My doctor is very clearly useless so... sighs. It's like the usual ig just force myself but burnt out beyond. Burnt out doesn't remotely describe how I am feeling. So I don't fucking have the energy or self whatever to force myself. I'm so fucking tired of life.




Hoping to go to sleep soon.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

(Shall just use this thread to continue food related struggles & thoughts)

Been drinking (not enough for daily amount but its smthin) electrolyte water. Tho if I remember this one doesn't have much if any sugar. Im becoming resistant to even drinking that. Cannot decide on what to eat. Don't really want to either.

Getting up doesn't feel as bad as before. So hopefully by tmrw I'll be a lil more mobile. Hopefully my nose is less stuffed. I've been up for hours and im sleep but I can't tell/think it's most likely bc of lack of food. I had some hunger that passed but sometimes I'll watch mukbang vids to stimulate appetite. That happened earlier and I couldn't decide what to eat.

I feel like I'm the world's like best faker. I faked & forced my way through most of my eating disorder stuff so it wasn't as much of an issue/was eating better last yr. I didn't and still don't have enough money for treatment. I tried explaining that to my Dad and he kept asking what exactly treatment would accomplish that I couldn't just do myself. So. Yeah. That's where some of this stupid ass thinking of just white knuckling it through things comes from.

Fake isnt sustainable and it's very tiring too. I think im recognizing that more often than not I just force my way through things bc I've had to in life due to no one being willing or wanting to support so being alone. The most relaxed or relief I've felt throughout my struggles is having support of my friend & my support workers. Genuine support. Not having to carry the world on my shoulders.

But im crashing myself. One of my other friends made a comment this yr that just bc I've carried mountains alone for yrs doesn't mean I'll be able to forever and she's right. I just kept moving mountains and saying its ok. Pretending like it wasn't burning me out bc even when I expressed that before no one listened until recently/ the friends ive made in the last yr & the support workers I have.



So the concept of caring for myself within struggles or slowing down enough to do so or recognizing my struggles & not just having to keep going but being able to safely stop and find solutiond that don't add more stress to myself but lower it. That's very new.

It's just rhe eating disorders lie that I don't wanna eat. Dont/ my personal willingness within this is a lie. Within anorexia it's not some choice that's easily broken. So yeah I'm sinking in further and honestly I dunno wtf to do. My doctor is very clearly useless so... sighs. It's like the usual ig just force myself but burnt out beyond. Burnt out doesn't remotely describe how I am feeling. So I don't fucking have the energy or self whatever to force myself. I'm so fucking tired of life.




Hoping to go to sleep soon.

Still sleepy but alas no sleep. Been considering taco bell but feel like the window of likeee being able to eat has kinda passed? My Dads response to me not eating is just "ok" like I really think I genuinely and generally need more than that. His response isnt healthy or helpful towards my (if at all possible) recovery. He's talking about food he's gonna make when he comes which before I was interested in and now I'm not at all. Sooo I dunno. Usually as a person he's nice enough to have here butttttt honestly? I dunno food around to freeze would be nice. Maybe he's not understanding that this isnt bc im sick but maybe it's just his usual insensitivity towards struggling to eat.

I dunno honestly. Too tired to think too much about it or what to do exactly but rn when im at the bottom barrel I don't need insensitive. I need the new the caring the compassionate. But im almost bound and determined to isolate as much as possible which isn't very hard for me in my current life. Sighhsss I dunno took my afternoon meds. Could spark my appetite or force hunger feels. Im not sure and I don't care to force anything. Have a headache is it due to lack of food or sickness or both? Who knos. just gonna read if I can... and otherwise eh whatever...