Losing hope/losing the spark

[It'sNotLookingGood]

Gradually, over the past maybe 2/3 months, I've come to realise I have just no hope for the future at all. Like I've come fully to accept that this is it, there won't be a happy ending, and the feeling is permanent, good days or bad.

You can lie to others easily, lie to yourself a lot of the time, but when your head hits the pillow at night and it's just you and your thoughts - you can't bullshit yourself then - and I am devoid of hope.

I still recogonise all the good in my life, the innumerable ways that I am so so blessed - this isn't a depression blog post - but for the longest time I always had at least a little spark of hope, even if I knew it was silly to have one. But that spark is gone now. and it's very... odd.

It feels like I'm no longer convincing myself that ctb is what's for me based on evidence, rather now I completely believe it, accept it - truly.

Loss of hope, loss of that spark - it's weird. I don't think it's bad, it's not made me feel any worse, but it does make me feel... idk, (about ctb) less anxious, less emotional, assured...?

I am in a better place now that I was this time last year: I like myself more, I've had experiences that I value so so much, experiences that I never thought I would ever get the opportunity to have, let alone that I would grasp said opportunities.
Yet the spark is gone, deep down I genuinely no longer have any belief at all that it could get better, that I could be someone happy, fulfilled, balanced etc. Even someone who's just generally okay.

Perhaps this is because I've seen the way normal people live, because I can manage ""fit in"" to a decent extent, but deep down I know it's an act, pretending, a facade. That my true self is not comfortable, or at ease. Instead, my true self is closer to be terrified and constantly wanting to get out and be alone - but being alone makes me feel bad too. It's a lose-lose situation. Be an alien among people, or live a life of solitude - I don't like either of those options. I have lots of other issues too, but it all seems to hinge on this. I feel I could push through those other issues if there were reason to, but while the aforementioned dilemma exists (alien or solitude), I am not a strong enough person to do so, I don't even really want to do so because it would feel pointless.

Perhaps it's also due to the fact I now have everything I need/everything I want to ctb, all hidden away in a nice box together. Maybe to some extent, what I'm feeling is desensitisation?

As I type this now, I am not especially depressed - in fact, this week has been a better one than the average. But the spark is still gone.

Has anyone else dealt with the complete loss of hope? Perhaps you all have, and I'm incredibly slow for it having taken me around 4 years of feeling increasingly suicidal to reach this point. I always believed I would be incredibly anxious right before ctb - now - I'm not sure I will be.

Any thoughts/comments are really welcomed and encouraged! Anyone else experienced/experiencing this too?

Thanks:)

 

[ecmnesia]

I guess I can relate... it comes to a point (for me at least) when you realize there is no real meaning, no destiny bullshit, nothing really matters and everything ends up sooner or later being pointless, everything that lives is eventually doomed to die, everything fade, everything fades, an even though things my look important, in a larger scale they are nothing... sadness, frustration, anger. I felt all of that, but then, at some point, you kind of don't care anymore, you understand it doesn't matter.


the fact is: not everything gets better, not everyone can change, happiness is volatile and many might not even ever experience it. all around people are lonely, illuding themselves with their self taught truth and beliefs. we all hold on to our point of views, we are all slaves to something. the world sucks, existence is pain and pointless, people are selfish, wars, hunger, poverty will always be around for as long as humans are. and although things are not ok, it's also ok, cause it can't be changed, no hero will come and save us. it's sad, but as long as I see it, it's unsovable, that's life and so whatever. you can't do anything about it, might as well just suck it up.


maybe this is just something I came up with so that I can feel more comfortable knowing that for now I won't have the balls to cbt, so that life can be more bearable, but yes, it's ok too. we all tell ourselves the lies we want to hear. I can tolerate life because I expect nothing of it, I'm down for whatever it happens, I could win the lottery and things wouldn't be better, I would not be fixed, and neither would the world. hope is just another lie, one with no fundament at all, but as long as other people can deal with it, whatever, I don't mean to convince them otherwise.


sorry I think I did not answered your question, but I believe I do understand you to some extent.

 

[It'sNotLookingGood]

I guess I can relate... it comes to a point (for me at least) when you realize there is no real meaning, no destiny bullshit, nothing really matters and everything ends up sooner or later being pointless, everything that lives is eventually doomed to die, everything fade, everything fades, an even though things my look important, in a larger scale they are nothing... sadness, frustration, anger. I felt all of that, but then, at some point, you kind of don't care anymore, you understand it doesn't matter.


the fact is: not everything gets better, not everyone can change, happiness is volatile and many might not even ever experience it. all around people are lonely, illuding themselves with their self taught truth and beliefs. we all hold on to our point of views, we are all slaves to something. the world sucks, existence is pain and pointless, people are selfish, wars, hunger, poverty will always be around for as long as humans are. and although things are not ok, it's also ok, cause it can't be changed, no hero will come and save us. it's sad, but as long as I see it, it's unsovable, that's life and so whatever. you can't do anything about it, might as well just suck it up.


maybe this is just something I came up with so that I can feel more comfortable knowing that for now I won't have the balls to cbt, so that life can be more bearable, but yes, it's ok too. we all tell ourselves the lies we want to hear. I can tolerate life because I expect nothing of it, I'm down for whatever it happens, I could win the lottery and things wouldn't be better, I would not be fixed, and neither would the world. hope is just another lie, one with no fundament at all, but as long as other people can deal with it, whatever, I don't mean to convince them otherwise.


sorry I think I did not answered your question, but I believe I do understand you to some extent.

Don't worry! My ""question"" was rambly and open, so your reply being similar is fitting lol:)
Thanks for your response, while I don't feel as nihilistic as you, lots of what you said really does resonate with me.

People absolutely delude themselves, they have to because it's the only way they can go on. I think almost everyone I speak to irl believes in the just-world fallacy, either consciously or subconsciously - to go on, they must believe they're gonna get out what they the put in.

I too think some problems, some people, are unsolvable. It's not nice to think about, it's not what we want to believe so people will delude themselves otherwise, but sometimes it just is what it is.

I like that understand it is important for people to have dreams, and that you don't try and crush them:)

I too often think about winning the lottery, and how nothing would change lol. It would be amazing to treat the people I love, help others, repay the people who helped me - but at the end of the day, I would still want to ctb. It's not money I'm after, not at all. I would still be out of place, out of tune.

 

[EssenceFocus]

Hello
I can relate a bit, too.
My spark changes regularly. It comes and goes.
When I am deeply concerned about a topic or a situation I am in the negative state, which lasts sometimes hours or days.
But everytime I reach the lowest point, where I think it can't get worse, my perception shifts and I think about the wonderful future.
I think I won't explain it in detail. I read in this forum for some weeks and it seems most people aren't into metaphysical stuff.
But when I reach the most negative feelings I am reminded, what possibilities will come in the future/a few decades and it would be a shame to miss these genuinely exiting things.

I am feeling like I walk trough a dark tunnel, but if someday I reach the end of this dark tunnel, I will be in bright light. I always have the option to end it, if it becomes too difficult and I would be in an even brighter light.

I personally informed myself exactly where I would buy the needed stuff etc, if I really wanted and I have no single fear about the act of dying. But something holds me back and as I said, my perception always shifts to a brighter perspective and in this more pleasant state it wouldn't make much sense.

It's difficult to find the right words...

 

[ecmnesia]

Hello
I can relate a bit, too.
My spark changes regularly. It comes and goes.
When I am deeply concerned about a topic or a situation I am in the negative state, which lasts sometimes hours or days.
But everytime I reach the lowest point, where I think it can't get worse, my perception shifts and I think about the wonderful future.
I think I won't explain it in detail. I read in this forum for some weeks and it seems most people aren't into metaphysical stuff.
But when I reach the most negative feelings I am reminded, what possibilities will come in the future/a few decades and it would be a shame to miss these genuinely exiting things.

I am feeling like I walk trough a dark tunnel, but if someday I reach the end of this dark tunnel, I will be in bright light. I always have the option to end it, if it becomes too difficult and I would be in an even brighter light.

I personally informed myself exactly where I would buy the needed stuff etc, if I really wanted and I have no single fear about the act of dying. But something holds me back and as I said, my perception always shifts to a brighter perspective and in this more pleasant state it wouldn't make much sense.

It's difficult to find the right words...

I can see where you come from, I'm glad you are able to experience this, honestly I was once like this and I kind of envy you. Hope you don't change, at least not for worse.

 

[It'sNotLookingGood]

Hello
I can relate a bit, too.
My spark changes regularly. It comes and goes.
When I am deeply concerned about a topic or a situation I am in the negative state, which lasts sometimes hours or days.
But everytime I reach the lowest point, where I think it can't get worse, my perception shifts and I think about the wonderful future.
I think I won't explain it in detail. I read in this forum for some weeks and it seems most people aren't into metaphysical stuff.
But when I reach the most negative feelings I am reminded, what possibilities will come in the future/a few decades and it would be a shame to miss these genuinely exiting things.

I am feeling like I walk trough a dark tunnel, but if someday I reach the end of this dark tunnel, I will be in bright light. I always have the option to end it, if it becomes too difficult and I would be in an even brighter light.

I personally informed myself exactly where I would buy the needed stuff etc, if I really wanted and I have no single fear about the act of dying. But something holds me back and as I said, my perception always shifts to a brighter perspective and in this more pleasant state it wouldn't make much sense.

It's difficult to find the right words...

Thank you for this reply, it was an interesting read:)

It sounds like there is still that spark inside you, and it's not died yet - I'm happy about that for you<3 I hope you reach that bright light, and all this struggle is made worth it:)

Knowing that if things get too tough you have a way out, is a great comfort/help. I'm sure you feel this too:)

Peace and love x

 

[EssenceFocus]

Thank you!
I see the whole suicide topic a bit different and it's difficult to communicate that...
Now I write something, that I probably wouldn't write, when I am in the negative shut-down state. It's very interesting. When I am in a state like now, I can objectively think about my situation and why I think negative because of this or that. I know exactly which situations or thoughts influence my feelings.
When I get really depressed I still know this, but it gets so difficult to change my perception consciously, when I am in the shutdown state. But perception is everything and the most difficult aspect. You could stand in front of your destroyed house and could still feel balanced. I know it's easy said. If it were so easy, I wouldn't be here.

I read about consciousness since I am 14 and if I wouldn't know so much about it, I would probably be not here anymore. It's like the rope, that pulls me out every time reliable. And this is my spark.

It would be a dream to convince you, that everyone of you and every other human will experience the bright light on earth, not only after death. I could write hundreds of sites about that and I feel really energized by that topic now...