Story Losing friends

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm not going to go into detail nor will I name the person. I still respect them fairly highly and I know they browse this site.

So I met someone on this site ages ago, we really hit it off. She instant messaged me while I was having a tough time. I really needed a friend so I did open up to her and her to me. We became extremely close until she panicked, considered CTB, and deactivated her account. I was like damn, there goes a friend and I was sad because I thought she had ctb. She eventually came back on a second account, and gave me her instagram. I did eventually take her up on the offer to follow her and stay in touch off this site.

She went through a few accounts on here, like 3 or 4, so it was nice to have her instagram to reach out, and chat. She helped me through a rough breakup as a friend. She did at one point propose the idea of a long distance relationship but due to the nature of how we met and the fact that it was extremely long distance (think >6,000 miles, I'm intentionally being vague here), and I don't think long distance would work for me so I declined. She got a little upset, understandably, and began distancing herself and stopped messaging. Eventually she told me she came to terms with it and that her feelings were gone.

To avoid sharing a ton, we'll fast forward to earlier this year. As you guys know, I have a touchy past with an ex, who cheated. I did take her back earlier this year, but because I feel we are completely different people and she still beats herself up for the cheating. It was also minor enough and long enough ago that I was willing to try it again. I thought, why not. I'm in college and I'm young enough to explore without it being too detrimental. It's gone relatively great tbh, and I think out relationship is fairly strong.

The issue comes in here. I didn't tell this friend about this because, at the time, she was having her own issues in life with a boyfriend she was with. I didn't want it to come off as bragging, especially as I suspected she still might have feelings for me. I eventually did tell her because it felt shitty keeping it a secret from someone who I deemed one of my best friends, tbh. She said she was okay with it, but later admitted she had lied and wasn't okay with it because she still had feelings.

She eventually found out, by looking me up on Facebook using my username on Instagram. She found out I was with my ex and kinda blew up on me. Not sure why, but I feel bad about it. She said that she had helped me through so much and I had threw away the progress I had made. I disagree but that's not the point. She asked if I had ever heard the phrase, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," and that if I get hurt again to don't come to her. I tried to apologize and ask if there's anything I can do to help to even salvage this friendship, but she said "Have a nice life " and I just thumbs up it.

Anyways, now I'm down a friend on my already short list of friends, especially ones I was close to and who knew a lot about my life. Can't believe, of all things, thats what ended the ~1 year long friendship. She might read this post, not sure if she still browses this site.

If you are reading this, I do feel bad.

Anyways, I just wanted to get this off my chest. If you read all of this, thank you. If not, that's okay to. I'll make a tldr below.

Tldr: Lost a friend, who had feelings for me, who helped me through a breakup by getting back together with my ex. Now I'm pretty depressed about it.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, State of Mind. Let me start by saying, wow, that's rough. Few things in this world are as painful as being rejected by somebody you feel close to or have come to rely on, whatever the capacity. I'm not in your position so I can't know for sure, but a part of me wants to say that 'feeling depressed' is probably a bit of an understatement.

So, let's clear the air a bit in something you're probably dealing with right now. I'm going to be clear about this: you haven't done anything wrong. And, on the off chance your friend is reading this forum post, I want them to know that too. What you have done, essentially, is maintain and rekindle a relationship with a person who means something to you, because you've forgiven them for making a mistake. It's a very human thing. It's not wrong to want to hold on to someone, or to see your way past forgiving them for things they may have done to you in the past. And nobody should be trying to make you feel like this is wrong. Whether your faith in this person ultimately proves itself to be deserved or misplaced doesn't matter; the act of giving that chance and trying to mend things is itself a deeply human and understandable position to take, regardless of how it turns out in the end.

It sounds to me as if your friend perhaps sees this as a betrayal of sorts. And...unfortunately, this too is also deeply human. We tend to take things personally even when they really aren't, and it's possible they take this as some sort of rejection or violation when it isn't. And if that's the case, there's little that you can do, except hope they come to understand your reasons eventually. But it isn't your fault. You shouldn't have to feel bad for making a choice about your personal life and who you want involved in it. This was always your choice, never your friend's, regardless of how involved they might have been in helping you cope for a time.

I realize none of this makes it any easier. Losing a friend and facing that rejection is always deeply painful, no matter the reasons. But I hope you can at least move past feeling guilty for your own actions. And I also hope you still have somebody you can talk to and lean on here.

 

[Worndown]

I had some interesting conversations with my ex that were not paryicularly constructive. This sounds a lot like those.
It is possible keeping this long distance was good fortune. She seems to have issues that are greater than you thought.
I had a little flashback moment reading your post.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Hey there, State of Mind. Let me start by saying, wow, that's rough. Few things in this world are as painful as being rejected by somebody you feel close to or have come to rely on, whatever the capacity. I'm not in your position so I can't know for sure, but a part of me wants to say that 'feeling depressed' is probably a bit of an understatement.

So, let's clear the air a bit in something you're probably dealing with right now. I'm going to be clear about this: you haven't done anything wrong. And, on the off chance your friend is reading this forum post, I want them to know that too. What you have done, essentially, is maintain and rekindle a relationship with a person who means something to you, because you've forgiven them for making a mistake. It's a very human thing. It's not wrong to want to hold on to someone, or to see your way past forgiving them for things they may have done to you in the past. And nobody should be trying to make you feel like this is wrong. Whether your faith in this person ultimately proves itself to be deserved or misplaced doesn't matter; the act of giving that chance and trying to mend things is itself a deeply human and understandable position to take, regardless of how it turns out in the end.

It sounds to me as if your friend perhaps sees this as a betrayal of sorts. And...unfortunately, this too is also deeply human. We tend to take things personally even when they really aren't, and it's possible they take this as some sort of rejection or violation when it isn't. And if that's the case, there's little that you can do, except hope they come to understand your reasons eventually. But it isn't your fault. You shouldn't have to feel bad for making a choice about your personal life and who you want involved in it. This was always your choice, never your friend's, regardless of how involved they might have been in helping you cope for a time.

I realize none of this makes it any easier. Losing a friend and facing that rejection is always deeply painful, no matter the reasons. But I hope you can at least move past feeling guilty for your own actions. And I also hope you still have somebody you can talk to and lean on here.

First off, thank you for reading all of it. I know it was a lot to read. Also yeah, it's pretty painful and I'm upset still, to be honest. Feels like I'm sort of mourning a loss in a way, especially due to how close we were.

I do appreciate that you agree that I did nothing wrong. I didn't feel I had, but her reaction made me think a little. Felt like one of those Reddit posts where someone asks if they're the jerk in a situation. My current girlfriend who is also my ex from the past does mean a lot to me. We had a deep relationship and I believe she did make a mistake. A huge mistake, but one she has continued to try and rectify. In the first month we began talking again, it felt like she kept trying to redeem herself even though it was unnecessary, but it showed she was putting effort into this. I don't know if it's misplaced, and I told my friend that if I got burned, I wouldn't come to her, and I would accept that it's my fault. So far, about 6 months in, we're still doing pretty great and we're moving into an apartment together closer to my college.

I'm glad you were objective in this too. You do help me see her point. She may have truly seen this as a betrayal. I have tried to frame it in a different light, but unfortunately it didn't work. Especially judging from the passive-aggressive "Have a nice life " message. I genuinely don't see it as a rejection because I rejected the idea of us being in a relationship back in April. I hope she does eventually come to see my reasoning and decisions, which, as you said, are ultimately and have always been mine to make, despite her helping me cope. I just didn't understand that her helping me cope would be conditional in her eyes.

As you mentioned, it still is hard. Your post did help though, especially in seeing what is possibly her point of view, and that she may see it as some of betrayal or violation. Luckily, this community has always been supportive and have proved time and time again, I can lean on them. I have no close friends on here anymore though. I do have some acquaintances whose posts I enjoy seeing and reading. I'm just mourning the loss currently, but I hope I can feel better in time. Luckily college is starting to keep me busy. I'll probably be spending 8-9 hours a day on campus two times a week, and working at home and very briefly on campus other days of the week. Staying busy helps me keep my headspace/mindset a little better and healthier.

I had some interesting conversations with my ex that were not paryicularly constructive. This sounds a lot like those.
It is possible keeping this long distance was good fortune. She seems to have issues that are greater than you thought.
I had a little flashback moment reading your post.

Sorry if those flashback moments were uncomfortable. Maybe I should have put a TW at the beginning? Not sure.

We were never in a relationship, but not pursuing one may have been to my benefit, considering how this played out. I'm sorry you never had a constructive conversation with your ex though, it can feel like talking to a brick wall in these conversations.




Edit to add: the one benefit that comes out of this is if I do CTB, it's one less note I have to write. I planned on writing her a detailed and heartfelt note. Now I don't have to do that so it makes CTBing marginally easier, as I don't have to write some detailed caring note for one more person.