Losing all my friends and it’s my fault

[dogdrool]

TL;DR SCROLL DOWN

My friend group has never been great so, when I was about to kill myself, I slowly started to cut them off. When I say they 'weren't great' I mean they they'd call me a retard (I'm autistic), they were insensitive with their jokes and could come off as ablest a lot of the time, even to people who weren't me. I found out they made a new group chat that I was forgotten from and they were making group arrangements that I'd also been forgotten from. I'd have to beg them to hang out with me and arrange what we'd do if they finally agreed, I felt like I was putting in so much more effort.

On the other hand, I've known these people for 7 years. I'm just worried I've ruined things irreparably. I stopped talking to most of them around 3 months ago and then fizzled out entirely 2 months ago. I've just apologised to one of them but I've been left on read.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I've fucked things up for good with a group of people that I don't even like, but it really hurts. The worst part is that I can't even tell them WHY I stopped talking, which was in large because I was going to kill myself very soon. I know they'd tell my parents.
I know some of them are upset with me but talking to them about it felt like such a chore and so tiring. Even now I can only bring myself to apologise to 1/6 of them.

TL;DR: I cut off all my friends in preparation to kill myself (2-3 months ago) and I feel like I've damaged our relationships irreparably

I guess I just want some comfort. I feel like I've really messed up. I'm so fucking lonely.

 

[BillyBob]

Being lonely in this world is becoming more and more common.
Most people now days do not want to deal with anyone that is mentally unstable or suicidal in anyway as it will so call bring them down.
Trust me I have only 2 friends left and they live in a different country. All my IRL friends ditched me or never bothered to put in any effort to see me at all.
It hurts so badly, but making friends IRL seems almost impossible now days that I have given up and live a mostly hermit life now.
Wish I could help you out with your troubles in finding friends.

All I can say is I hope for the best for you even if you can only talk to 1/6 people, it is better then losing all of them.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

I'm so sorry. It's agonizing losing people you are close to for any reason, even if you weren't particularly fond of them. Navigating relationships is difficult in general and I can understand how it feels like everything is collapsing around you and things will never be the same again after there's a falling out. I haven't been in your exact situation but in the past I've been estranged from my only friends and blamed myself for it.

As an outsider looking in here are my thoughts: If you've known them for seven years, a few months break doesn't sound too crazy to me. I guess it just depends the way it went down though. How do you think they might react if you told them you were feeling down and withdrawn while leaving out the part about suicidal thoughts? And how long were you left on read to the friend you apologized to?

If it makes you feel any better, I have recently found a couple new friends who I feel like understand me a lot better than the ones I had previously. If I could choose now, I wouldn't even want to go back to the old friends. At the time it felt like I was completely and utterly alone and that nobody would ever understand me or spend time with me again, but I think there is hope for you to make new and better friends. Or possibly even recover the old ones. You seem articulate and thoughtful.

Now might also be a good time to consider whether you even still want to be friends with those particular people. But I get that finding new friends can be very difficult or undesirable for some people (me) so I'm not going to assume I know the right answer for you.

Please be kind to yourself if you're able. You're not being difficult or stirring up problems because you're malicious. We're all struggling a lot here and we don't always make the best decisions.

 

[LonelyPrince]

Honestly, preparations or not, you should have cut them off anyway. At least that's what I think since, by what you have said, they seem insensitive.
In my opinion feeling lonely while surrounded by people is worse. However, i understand how isolated you must now feel. It's painful and I'm sorry you have to go through this. You didn't fuck it all up, I promise you.

 

[dogdrool]

I'm so sorry. It's agonizing losing people you are close to for any reason, even if you weren't particularly fond of them. Navigating relationships is difficult in general and I can understand how it feels like everything is collapsing around you and things will never be the same again after there's a falling out. I haven't been in your exact situation but in the past I've been estranged from my only friends and blamed myself for it.

As an outsider looking in here are my thoughts: If you've known them for seven years, a few months break doesn't sound too crazy to me. I guess it just depends the way it went down though. How do you think they might react if you told them you were feeling down and withdrawn while leaving out the part about suicidal thoughts? And how long were you left on read to the friend you apologized to?

If it makes you feel any better, I have recently found a couple new friends who I feel like understand me a lot better than the ones I had previously. If I could choose now, I wouldn't even want to go back to the old friends. At the time it felt like I was completely and utterly alone and that nobody would ever understand me or spend time with me again, but I think there is hope for you to make new and better friends. Or possibly even recover the old ones. You seem articulate and thoughtful.

Now might also be a good time to consider whether you even still want to be friends with those particular people. But I get that finding new friends can be very difficult or undesirable for some people (me) so I'm not going to assume I know the right answer for you.

Please be kind to yourself if you're able. You're not being difficult or stirring up problems because you're malicious. We're all struggling a lot here and we don't always make the best decisions.

Yeah you're right that a couple months isn't that long, that's what I've been trying to tell myself. Our group as a whole's relationship hasn't been really turbulent either. I've only been on read for an hour in her defence but it's not like her to do that and I don't think I'm being irrational for worrying, though I should probably give it a day or two before letting myself get really worried.
They do know I was feeling down before I totally stopped talking to them, I was struggling a lot and mentioned it to at least one or two of them. I just really want to emphasise that I was struggling THIS MUCH and that's why. I feel like I need to justify it, you know?

I do have two other friends but I'm up and down with those too. My relationships are generally really unstable which is why I get myself into these situations. They're nice and I love them, they're a lot better than the friends that this post is about, but I still miss them. I at least want to end on a decent page with them and not have just disappeared. I think it looks like I replaced them for my 'new university friends', which isn't true.

In these situations, I find it a lot easier to start replying in group chats again first before then answering messages but since they've all got a group chat without me now, it's not really a choice so I'm having to put my big girl pants on and face them in private messages lmao.

I really appreciate your message, I'm just feeling sensitive and I need some time to think about whether I want these people as friends or whether I just want friends in general.

Honestly, preparations or not, you should have cut them off anyway. At least that's what I think since, by what you have said, they seem insensitive.
In my opinion feeling lonely while surrounded by people is worse. However, i understand how isolated you must now feel. It's painful and I'm sorry you have to go through this. You didn't fuck it all up, I promise you.

Thank you. I know I should because I wouldn't say that we're all exactly… compatible, but I also know that they care about me. They're more like my siblings than my friends. I'm just really confused right now and a little bit sensitive. I really appreciate your message, it's nice to know from an outside perspective that it isn't all messed up

 

[heatnormal]

don't associate yourself with people who seem emotionally immature and can quickly forget about you. i remember being in your place; it's better to find other people. if they were your friends, they would at least ask if everything is alright with you, or check in. don't blame yourself -- it won't help. maybe this is a good opportunity to find yourself a bit more?

 

[dogdrool]

I'm not sure if anybody particularly cares, but here's a small update.

The friend I apologised to hasn't gotten back to me and I have been on read since Sunday (it's Tuesday right now). I was honestly getting really itchy about it. I had apologised to this particular friend because we weren't that close so I figured it would be easy.

I ended up apologising to a different friend I'm a lot closer to last night (because he equally deserved an apology), it was a little bit longer than my other friends. My exact words were:

'I'm really sorry I stopped talking to you and everyone else. That wasn't very fair. I don't want to write a big paragraph of excuses but I didn't intend to disappear forever or replace you guys with anyone else. I was just having a really hard time and needed a lot of space to recover from what I was going through, which I should've communicated. I just wanted to apologise.'

I wanted to avoid sending a super long vent or rant because I truly did just want to say sorry. He responded IMMEDIATELY, despite it being 3am, with 'it's okay!'.
I just replied with a lighthearted sticker of a dog wrapped up in a blanket haha.

I have no idea what to make of that response. Was my apology not good enough??
This all seems very trivial and like childish drama, but I struggle with feeling disconnected from my general environment and like my impact on others is nonexistent and this has just really validated those fears. Nobody seems willing to take me in again eventhough we've been friends for 7 years. I don't know what more I can do or say without looking desperate, I guess I can't force them to be friends with me. I'm just really upset.