Venting Looking to make friends with anyone else who suffers from debilitating tinnitus and who considers CBT as a potential last resort “treatment option.”

[wanttogetonthebus]

Hi there. I'm about in my mid 20s. I recently developed sudden tinnitus (an oftentimes chronic pathology for which we have no cure and will last an individuals life) in both of my ears from COVID that has completely wrecked havoc on my life in every area. (On top of some other long covid symptoms which also majorly majorly suck and make my life miserable, but by themselves aren't CTB worthy.) This tinnitus is 24/7 ringing vacuuming and cricked chirps all combined into one mess, very audible over most normal-volume things, and it's been showing no signs of abating. It's like a mixture between the ticking in The Telltale Heart and that famous infuriating raven. The world and society may be like a prison, but now my body too is a prison now, not the escape, the sanctuary, the haven it used to be. While for now, I'm trying and giving this all a shot to see if I can adapt and life can still be worth it, the answer to that question right now is simply - it's not. I'm sure people can go through with this exact tinnitus I have, if they had it. For some people, this might be one of the few chronic illnesses they could put up with without much concern as it's not life threatening. Maybe there's even people out there who hate or fear silence. I understand that one man's hell can be another man's heaven. We're all different. But this isn't how I want to live my life. I'm not happy like this. For me, silence was precious and essential to my well being and my genuine internal happiness. It's just because of my own personality and who I am; silence was an absolutely key element that gave me my own special sense of joy and relaxation in a not-so-kind world that's always in motion and never seems to slow down or adjust for me. It helped me sufficiently cope and even thrive in the darkest of times. In the same way you need your family and friends and a purpose to give your life the meaning necessary to live and feel truly good, I really need silence to reap the joys in my life. I've always been a naturally quiet, contemplative person, and a person who enjoys that quiet alone time with my own thoughts in peace (and quiet obviously) and serenity - fully one with myself with no auditory distractions. It was sacred to me. And it's gone. And while I'm trying to make it better in any way I can as well as habituate and see if I can keep living my life (already it was a solitary one, living with my parents without much interaction, no extended family or committed connections, yet to really 'do anything with my life,' no spouse or likely spouse/intimate partner, no children, nothing holding me back other than the small hope without evidence that things will somehow get better, the mourning for my previous existence I want back more than anything, and my stupid survival instinct that's kept me so forcibly trudging along all these years regardless of the amount of pain and suffering it brings or may bring to me, it seems.) Well, I have my limits. I've got to draw the line somewhere. This is my life after all and I'm tired, mentally and physically exhausted of everyone always telling me what I want, what's best for me, and how I need to live my life. I'm tired of life and unlucky dice rolls always pushing me around and making my life harder at the drop of a dime like some tragic comedy. I'm an adult who can make my own rational decisions and I can plan with depth and intelligence, and can understand the consequences of my actions. I love myself. I cherish my life and all the amazing beautiful experiences I was able to have here on this Earth. But those bright and beautiful times (you know that feeling where it's as if all is well in the world, you love everything, and you're on top of the world - A god! Invincible! Immortal!) may have come to an end, I must admit. And I don't want to see myself needlessly suffer. I deserve more. Don't we all mostly agree that even our pet dogs shouldn't suffer - not even for some additional "time?" I'm a human. A standard living being fully conscious and self-aware human. Imagine the depths my suffering has the potential to reach. But, I too have standards. My life's been hard, I'll admit, but it wasn't "bad." Tinnitus has brought my life to a whole new level of physical and emotional difficulty and suffering - even to enjoy the things I used to love. The people around me don't understand what I'm going through because they can't. This tinnitus can't be shared or seen. It's invisible. They simply can't hear it like me and they if they could, they certainly wouldn't choose or perhaps even be able to bear it for a lifetime. And the people around me don't know what it's like to be me either (as in they don't share my mind, life experiences, feelings, and values). I'll do my best. But if I can't keep going, I can't. While it's too early to make that decision right now to officially CTB, it's the path I'n headed down. It's a realistic probability significantly exponentially higher than the chance that I would catch COVID and develop tinnitus. So that's where I'm at. I'm looking to meet fellow sufferers of tinnitus (especially those with debilitating or severe 24/7 constant tinnitus) at any stage of their CTB journey. I hope we can support each other in life, and if and when it comes time to CTB, maybe we could get a shared ticket and catch a ride on the same bus together because even though I've mentioned that I'm solitary, I'm also so often lonely and I honestly would really not like to ride the bus alone. It's new, it's unknown, it's scary, and to overcome the my damn debilitating selfish SI drive, I'd need support (as in the experience of not feeling alone and isolated in the moment). Okay, that's all for now. Wishing you all the best in peace and happiness and for now I'll be sticking around the forums. My fellow tinnitus sufferers. My heart goes out to you. I hope you're finding a way, and I hope they'll find a cure if not in our lifetimes, soon... right now! (On a lighter-darker note, just going off how lucky on average I've been throughout my life including this tinnitus fiasco, the moment I officially CTB with no chances of getting off, will be the moment some genius researcher announces to the world with tears in his eyes that he's finally developed the cure for tinnitus.) Welp. :/ Sucks to suck.

 

[virginiawoolfe]

Hi friend and fellow tinnitus sufferer. I'm struggling with this too, on top of years' worth of depressive illness. Life does really suck sometimes. I too have been looking for help with tinnitus as, with life's twisted humour, it landed on me just as it seemed I might be coming out of my most recent depressive episode. Wham, the big T hit and I admit that, despite my life not being too terrible (objectively viewed) on bad T days I feel like CTB too. In fact that's what led me to sign up to this website. I wish I could share a miracle cure but all I can offer is a couple of tips that help me. I recently visited an Ear Nose and Throat doctor who told me it helps to have a distracting noise that is at a slightly lower volume than the tinnitus. Apparently tinnitus likes to be the loudest guest at the party so if you try and drown it out, it will increase its own volume. I carry some soft earplugs around with me so I can make sure the ambient noise is always at a lower level than the tinnitus. I've also noticed a connection between my sleep patterns and how manageable the tinnitus is the next day - ie if I doze off in a seated position (as I often do in front of the TV), I'm almost certain to have a noisy, lousy time of it from when I wake the next morning. Well let's stick around for a bit longer .. maybe we'll get used to it

 

[PlathWannaBe]

I'm really sorry to hear this, and to hear what you're going through. This really does seem like such a hard burden to bear, and like you said, it's one of those things that you can't physically see or touch or that someone else can hear. I also never realized how lucky I was in life when I had good health before I lost it, and it has also called into question for me whether or not I want to continue living.

Anyway, I was having really bad anxiety about 11 years ago, and it was so bad, that out of nowhere, I started also having quite bad tinnitus. After I went on an anti depressant though, the tinnitus stopped and everything went back to normal more or less, hearing wise.

I don't know if that would work for you, but if you are desperate, you could possibly try it.

I have to warn you however, that that very same anti depressant (Citalopram) has caused me sexual functioning problems, specifically erectile dysfunction, even after I discontinued using it. I'm hoping that my body will heal, but I'm on the 19th month of having stopped the medication and still having major issues sexually. Supposedly, this only affects a small minority of people, and most people go back to their baseline after quitting anti depressants. I'm sorry I can't offer something better to you, and that may even sound like such a shit suggestion, but I can feel your desperation, because I feel that way at times myself with my sexual dysfunction.

Thinking of you, and wishing your body healing.
Also, how many months has it been since you caught Covid and developed tinnitus? Maybe it's a matter of time and waiting for your body to heal?

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful well-written reply and suggestion. I can tell that you care, and it really means the world to me. I'm happy that the tinnitus went away for you. An anti-depressant just may be worth a try especially if nothing gets better. I've had constant 24/7 tinnitus since 11/20/2021. It used to only last for 10-30 seconds after I initially caught COVID in mid October so I never worried at all about it or thought it would suddenly become permanent. Until I caught COVID, I had never experienced any tinnitus or anything like it before.

I'm really sorry to hear this, and to hear what you're going through. This really does seem like such a hard burden to bear, and like you said, it's one of those things that you can't physically see or touch or that someone else can hear. I also never realized how lucky I was in life when I had good health before I lost it, and it has also called into question for me whether or not I want to continue living.

Anyway, I was having really bad anxiety about 11 years ago, and it was so bad, that out of nowhere, I started also having quite bad tinnitus. After I went on an anti depressant though, the tinnitus stopped and everything went back to normal more or less, hearing wise.

I don't know if that would work for you, but if you are desperate, you could possibly try it.

I have to warn you however, that that very same anti depressant (Citalopram) has caused me sexual functioning problems, specifically erectile dysfunction, even after I discontinued using it. I'm hoping that my body will heal, but I'm on the 19th month of having stopped the medication and still having major issues sexually. Supposedly, this only affects a small minority of people, and most people go back to their baseline after quitting anti depressants. I'm sorry I can't offer something better to you, and that may even sound like such a shit suggestion, but I can feel your desperation, because I feel that way at times myself with my sexual dysfunction.

Thinking of you, and wishing your body healing.
Also, how many months has it been since you caught Covid and developed tinnitus? Maybe it's a matter of time and waiting for your body to heal?

Thank you so much for your thoughtful well-written reply and suggestion. I can tell that you care, and it really means the world to me. I'm happy that the tinnitus went away for you. An anti-depressant just may be worth a try especially if nothing gets better. I've had constant 24/7 tinnitus since 11/20/2021. It used to only last for 10-30 seconds after I initially caught COVID in mid October so I never worried at all about it or thought it would suddenly become permanent. Until I caught COVID, I had never experienced any tinnitus or anything like it before.

Hi friend and fellow tinnitus sufferer. I'm struggling with this too, on top of years' worth of depressive illness. Life does really suck sometimes. I too have been looking for help with tinnitus as, with life's twisted humour, it landed on me just as it seemed I might be coming out of my most recent depressive episode. Wham, the big T hit and I admit that, despite my life not being too terrible (objectively viewed) on bad T days I feel like CTB too. In fact that's what led me to sign up to this website. I wish I could share a miracle cure but all I can offer is a couple of tips that help me. I recently visited an Ear Nose and Throat doctor who told me it helps to have a distracting noise that is at a slightly lower volume than the tinnitus. Apparently tinnitus likes to be the loudest guest at the party so if you try and drown it out, it will increase its own volume. I carry some soft earplugs around with me so I can make sure the ambient noise is always at a lower level than the tinnitus. I've also noticed a connection between my sleep patterns and how manageable the tinnitus is the next day - ie if I doze off in a seated position (as I often do in front of the TV), I'm almost certain to have a noisy, lousy time of it from when I wake the next morning. Well let's stick around for a bit longer .. maybe we'll get used to it

Thanks so much You're such an incredibly strong person. Even with suffering from depression, you've found a way to keep going. I didn't have the extra burden of depression or anxiety, I was so happy and carefree, and here I am on my literal knees hoping that life will be compassionate and put an end to my misery with a strike of lightning. Thank you for your suggestion. I'll see what I can do to keep moving forward, but I'm running out of strength. I just want the pain and the noise to stop, and I want to rest

 

[Insomniac]

I'm sorry for this extremely dumb question but would earplugs help...? I'm trying to understand Tinnitus. A lot of people on this forum have contracted it from failed hanging suicide...

 

[wanttogetonthebus]

I'm sorry for this extremely dumb question but would earplugs help...? I'm trying to understand Tinnitus. A lot of people on this forum have contracted it from failed hanging suicide...

No, unfortunately not since even though the sound seems real, it's not a real sound from the environment that can be blocked out. The fake sound is being generated by one's brain. You'd have to somehow stop those faulty electrical brain signals to get rid of the tinnitus.

 

[Thaneem]

I have "normal" (inner ear) tinnitus as well as middle ear myoclonus, which is caused by muscles spasming in the middle ear. I spent 1,000s on surgery for this, which ultimately didn't work.
Ironically, the vaccines seem to cause middle ear myoclonus to the same extent covid seems to cause inner ear tinnitus. You can't win.

 

[Insomniac]

You'd have to somehow stop those faulty electrical brain signals to get rid of the tinnitus.

Oh, this sounds like a form of skizophrenia. what a nightmare it must be, I can't believe that Covid did this to you :(

 

[Kristicide]

Sorry you're suffering from this. I have it too. But mine is just a high pitch ringing 24/7. It's annoying for me but not something that's contributing to my reasons to ctb. I hope that you can find moments when it's better.

 

[_Minsk]

I can relate to ops post. I love silence and solitude, now it has been taken away from me and it really contributes to my desire to ctb.

 

[SubZero]

Hi there. I'm about in my mid 20s. I recently developed sudden tinnitus (an oftentimes chronic pathology for which we have no cure and will last an individuals life) in both of my ears from COVID that has completely wrecked havoc on my life in every area. (On top of some other long covid symptoms which also majorly majorly suck and make my life miserable, but by themselves aren't CTB worthy.) This tinnitus is 24/7 ringing vacuuming and cricked chirps all combined into one mess, very audible over most normal-volume things, and it's been showing no signs of abating. It's like a mixture between the ticking in The Telltale Heart and that famous infuriating raven. The world and society may be like a prison, but now my body too is a prison now, not the escape, the sanctuary, the haven it used to be. While for now, I'm trying and giving this all a shot to see if I can adapt and life can still be worth it, the answer to that question right now is simply - it's not. I'm sure people can go through with this exact tinnitus I have, if they had it. For some people, this might be one of the few chronic illnesses they could put up with without much concern as it's not life threatening. Maybe there's even people out there who hate or fear silence. I understand that one man's hell can be another man's heaven. We're all different. But this isn't how I want to live my life. I'm not happy like this. For me, silence was precious and essential to my well being and my genuine internal happiness. It's just because of my own personality and who I am; silence was an absolutely key element that gave me my own special sense of joy and relaxation in a not-so-kind world that's always in motion and never seems to slow down or adjust for me. It helped me sufficiently cope and even thrive in the darkest of times. In the same way you need your family and friends and a purpose to give your life the meaning necessary to live and feel truly good, I really need silence to reap the joys in my life. I've always been a naturally quiet, contemplative person, and a person who enjoys that quiet alone time with my own thoughts in peace (and quiet obviously) and serenity - fully one with myself with no auditory distractions. It was sacred to me. And it's gone. And while I'm trying to make it better in any way I can as well as habituate and see if I can keep living my life (already it was a solitary one, living with my parents without much interaction, no extended family or committed connections, yet to really 'do anything with my life,' no spouse or likely spouse/intimate partner, no children, nothing holding me back other than the small hope without evidence that things will somehow get better, the mourning for my previous existence I want back more than anything, and my stupid survival instinct that's kept me so forcibly trudging along all these years regardless of the amount of pain and suffering it brings or may bring to me, it seems.) Well, I have my limits. I've got to draw the line somewhere. This is my life after all and I'm tired, mentally and physically exhausted of everyone always telling me what I want, what's best for me, and how I need to live my life. I'm tired of life and unlucky dice rolls always pushing me around and making my life harder at the drop of a dime like some tragic comedy. I'm an adult who can make my own rational decisions and I can plan with depth and intelligence, and can understand the consequences of my actions. I love myself. I cherish my life and all the amazing beautiful experiences I was able to have here on this Earth. But those bright and beautiful times (you know that feeling where it's as if all is well in the world, you love everything, and you're on top of the world - A god! Invincible! Immortal!) may have come to an end, I must admit. And I don't want to see myself needlessly suffer. I deserve more. Don't we all mostly agree that even our pet dogs shouldn't suffer - not even for some additional "time?" I'm a human. A standard living being fully conscious and self-aware human. Imagine the depths my suffering has the potential to reach. But, I too have standards. My life's been hard, I'll admit, but it wasn't "bad." Tinnitus has brought my life to a whole new level of physical and emotional difficulty and suffering - even to enjoy the things I used to love. The people around me don't understand what I'm going through because they can't. This tinnitus can't be shared or seen. It's invisible. They simply can't hear it like me and they if they could, they certainly wouldn't choose or perhaps even be able to bear it for a lifetime. And the people around me don't know what it's like to be me either (as in they don't share my mind, life experiences, feelings, and values). I'll do my best. But if I can't keep going, I can't. While it's too early to make that decision right now to officially CTB, it's the path I'n headed down. It's a realistic probability significantly exponentially higher than the chance that I would catch COVID and develop tinnitus. So that's where I'm at. I'm looking to meet fellow sufferers of tinnitus (especially those with debilitating or severe 24/7 constant tinnitus) at any stage of their CTB journey. I hope we can support each other in life, and if and when it comes time to CTB, maybe we could get a shared ticket and catch a ride on the same bus together because even though I've mentioned that I'm solitary, I'm also so often lonely and I honestly would really not like to ride the bus alone. It's new, it's unknown, it's scary, and to overcome the my damn debilitating selfish SI drive, I'd need support (as in the experience of not feeling alone and isolated in the moment). Okay, that's all for now. Wishing you all the best in peace and happiness and for now I'll be sticking around the forums. My fellow tinnitus sufferers. My heart goes out to you. I hope you're finding a way, and I hope they'll find a cure if not in our lifetimes, soon... right now! (On a lighter-darker note, just going off how lucky on average I've been throughout my life including this tinnitus fiasco, the moment I officially CTB with no chances of getting off, will be the moment some genius researcher announces to the world with tears in his eyes that he's finally developed the cure for tinnitus.) Welp. :/ Sucks to suck.

I am sorry you are going through this. Another fellow tinnitus sufferer here.

It is the main reason why I want to ctb. It is constantly going uphill , adding new tones. It becomes just unbearable. A small interaction with sound spikes it for the whole day.

Let me know if you want to chat.