I also don't want to recover, so I don't.
Being suicidal can be a very comforting state to be in. The trouble is falling to the trap of "I'm just going to CTB, so I won't even try" or "I need things to get worse before I can CTB", maybe you're right and it works out, but maybe you're more resilient than you thought and you keep clinging to life even if you end up homeless or something.
Personally, I'm pretty sure I don't need things to get worse before I can CTB. Whether I seem to be doing fine or not, it's always in the back of my mind. It seems inevitable that I'll either die in an accident or by suicide. I'm okay with that.
Meanwhile, I don't want to live with my parents anymore. They know no bounds and I'm not free to be myself. But I also don't want to be homeless. So I abused my father's influence in local politics and took a job I'm 95% unqualified for so that I can escape by next year (as long as my boss doesn't realize I probably shouldn't be there).
That's how I use my ideation. I think of something I want to try, then I do it. Whatever it is, it's probably more effective to keep me away from the threat of homelessness than doing nothing at all. I have big plans 10 years down the line and I could CTB at any point along the way. Worst case, best case, I have my rope.
So, just because it looks like you're committing to something, it doesn't mean you have to recover. And even if you do recover, that doesn't mean the option will be gone forever. If everything comes crashing down, the bus will be waiting. Finally, if it all just works and you're 85 having a heart attack and wishing for more... in a way, that might as well mean you did CTB with the current version of you and that person is someone entirely different, someone who should be enjoying their love for this absurdity that is life.
