YukiFox
Pastel demon
- Dec 8, 2018
- 320
It's a hilarious thing about how I got there. Since I was 15 years old I think about take my own life, but always chicken out. I don't have any attempt yet nor planning on short time. Anyway: I read A LOT about suicide, and even read stories or news about suicides to try convincing myself to not doing so.
Also the death of a friend who jumped to her death was the definite excuse to not doing the same thing: "How can you dare? How irresponsible! Do you know the pain who feels the family of her and our friends?" Again, I looked on Internet info of prevention, and trying to convince myself to become an pro-life activist for the memory and/or respect for my friend who choose to end her life. It was a double standard: on public, I was an pious christian, but on deep inside I was miserable, hiding my struggles on a religious mask.
Also I'm feel guilty or ashamed because I looked a lot of material on gore forums to convince myself to NOT doing the same. I tried to feel compassion to that people who CTB, but at the same time I feel horrified when I realize that kind of forums are full of idiots who consumed that images and videos to laugh on it of even as wank material. So I ran out of that sites and trying to understand what's wrong with me. And since I realized that I have the right to choose my own fate, I'm feeling more peaceful.
Even so, I don't look to compassion myself or look compassion for others. If I decide to take my own life tomorrow, on 5 years or when I'll be 70 years old (If the world still exists on 40 years), I don't be an pussy to trying to convince myself to being a pro-life when I know that CTB it's a valid method to die, period. I'm not here to save myself or others to not doing so.
The point is: it's worthless to read again and again the prevention material or trying to condole about me or others. It's an individual decision, period. Take my own life it's valid as die for cancer or on a car crash. I'm not fear death anymore, and it's an lost of time and energy to trying to sympathize to life.
Also the death of a friend who jumped to her death was the definite excuse to not doing the same thing: "How can you dare? How irresponsible! Do you know the pain who feels the family of her and our friends?" Again, I looked on Internet info of prevention, and trying to convince myself to become an pro-life activist for the memory and/or respect for my friend who choose to end her life. It was a double standard: on public, I was an pious christian, but on deep inside I was miserable, hiding my struggles on a religious mask.
Also I'm feel guilty or ashamed because I looked a lot of material on gore forums to convince myself to NOT doing the same. I tried to feel compassion to that people who CTB, but at the same time I feel horrified when I realize that kind of forums are full of idiots who consumed that images and videos to laugh on it of even as wank material. So I ran out of that sites and trying to understand what's wrong with me. And since I realized that I have the right to choose my own fate, I'm feeling more peaceful.
Even so, I don't look to compassion myself or look compassion for others. If I decide to take my own life tomorrow, on 5 years or when I'll be 70 years old (If the world still exists on 40 years), I don't be an pussy to trying to convince myself to being a pro-life when I know that CTB it's a valid method to die, period. I'm not here to save myself or others to not doing so.
The point is: it's worthless to read again and again the prevention material or trying to condole about me or others. It's an individual decision, period. Take my own life it's valid as die for cancer or on a car crash. I'm not fear death anymore, and it's an lost of time and energy to trying to sympathize to life.
