Lonliness hit me tonight ramble

[twistedtransistor69]

I'm so alone and I hate it but I don't want to change it. I love being alone 90% of the time, being around people is stressful and overwhelming but man that 10% hits me so so hard.

Sometimes I think maybe I could get through life if I had one really strong genuine connection, but then maybe not, I've pushed away my friends and I'm distancing myself from the last few online friends I have.

I hate being alone but I can't be around people, I hate watching everyone grow and progress around me while I can't muster enough energy and motivation to do anything and I can't pretend I'm a normal human being around them anymore.

I want to be loved so badly but I don't know if there's anything to love, I dont know if there's anything at all inside of me, I don't think I'm a person at all.

I feel like I barely exist, I feel more like a failed science experiment than a human being. I don't know how I could possibly be loved, or if I even want to be. I dont really know what I am, I just want to stop feeling pain.

 

[BlankZeroNone]

I find this oddly relatable, especially the last two paragraphs. It's actually kinda nice to see.

Still, if I had the choice, I don't think I would mind being around people like all of you here. or most of you anyway haha

 

[Pale_Rider]

I feel the same. My nerves are raw to be around other people so my fate is sealed.

I'd want to be around people again. I just don't know how.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

A million years ago I could have written those exact words (except "online" because there was no "online" back then). I've had the whole jobs/married/kids/house/etc thing, and still feel exactly the same inside.

 

[LetMeOut67]

Yep I spend 90% of my time alone too and it's very very tough.
If there was no internet I'd probably have no choice other than CTB.

 

[twistedtransistor69]

I find this oddly relatable, especially the last two paragraphs. It's actually kinda nice to see.

Still, if I had the choice, I don't think I would mind being around people like all of you here. or most of you anyway haha

That's what I like about this place, I can post how I'm really feeling and I don't have to fear judgment or people getting worried or get any comments like "you have so much to live for!".

We're all miserable and honest about it haha

 

[divinemistress36]

Yep I spend 90% of my time alone too and it's very very tough.
If there was no internet I'd probably have no choice other than CTB.

Internet has been the only thing keeping me going

 

[Dejected 55]

I identify way too much for this to be good. Only difference is that I really don't like being alone. Sure, sometimes... but most of the time, no. It's just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that being around most people most of the time is bad for me. Most people seem to want things that are alien to me or want them in a way that is incompatible with me.

 

[LetMeOut67]

I go to quite a few gigs and mostly I have no one with me. You used to see quite a lot of people alone at gigs but it seems to be quite a rare thing now as being alone seems increasingly seen as highly taboo. Of course no one talks to me unless they are drunk.
Why i put myself through this humiliation I don't know but society fucking sucks and is sadistically cruel

 

[Catchingdabus27]

Extremely relatable.