Venting Long vent, in pain and self-loathing

[alivefornow]

I'm not going to go into too much detail because I've done it too many times and it's horrible and graphic in my thoughts.

I can no longer lie on my pillow and be silent, "in good spirits", without my head starting to think bad things, violent ways of ending my life and worse.

I literally feel depression in my body, a heavy heart, a sharp, throbbing pain in my chest, and weak limbs. It's as if there was a voice insulting and demeaning me 24 hours a day, and that voice is my own thoughts.

None of this is an exaggeration to be edgy here, I've really been having to endure this for almost 2 years without any moments of joy or inner peace. I don't know what happened to me.

I've always been sad, and I've gone through other phases of deep depression! But life had a few good moments, when I felt that precious warm fuzzy glow of joy in the little things. I lost the ability to get those feelings, now it's just cold sharp sickly sadness, even though there's nothing much going on. Maybe I lost hope and became broken.

I used to try and think about moving forward in life. But now, whenever I'm not distracted and "idle", my mind defaults straight to death. Countless times a day in a way that's uncontrollable. I always knew my life was made up of depressive phases and that the next one was coming, but I had no idea it could get this bad.

I used to be kinder, more sociable and enjoy the company of others, even strangers. I'm relatively good at socializing and making friends, but now I just avoid it altogether because I don't want to go through the effort of pretending there isn't a thing killing my will to live just to hold chitchat. The friends that know about my situation don't know what to say, I don't think they understand. Even I don't!

Depression took everything from me, I'm 28 years old and I've achieved nothing. No house, no job, no car, no degree, no hobbies save for games, no girl. Had a girl but she left me because I became cold and avoidant.

Everything I tried to do went wrong and it's my fault. I feel old and wasted. End.

 

[freakshow]

i related to this a lot there was a period in the end of last year where i was feeling so anxious all the time I couldnt even eat and had trouble sleeping, i was so scared of life i was literally feeling physical pain. i feel a little bit better now thankfully but nothing has changed life still suucks, im still miserable and still hate myself.
Depression also took everything from me, it made me not able express myself, it made me avoidant, it made me push my friends away, it made me drop out of school, it never let me have any joy in life.
I had no good moments in my life, i barely remember what i did in the past 22 years... also no house, no job, no car, no degree, no bf. im just too ugly to have that stuff
i did gamedev as a hobby after I dropped out of school and I learnd programming and english in the hopes of getting a job but had no luck with that. No one wants to hire someone like me, im too shy, anxious, incapable and mentally ill. And I look like a child so no one takes me seriously