deadngoresurgery
Jezebel
- Jan 10, 2026
- 58
(Warning: this is a long post about an extremely complicated relationship im in. or well, USED to be in, now, at least. ive been needing to vent it out because its messing me up and its basically like a story. not sure where else to post it, but i hope someone can relate. and if you read all of this, thank you. genuinely, thank you. you hold a special part in my heart <3 im gonna split this into 8 parts lol)
here goes...
PART 1: BACKGROUND
its been done. the guy i used to hang out with in the train tracks. im sure hes serious. theres been so many times where he just stops talking to me, then he just talks to me again because he needed me and was feeling horrible. but this is basically what happened: in my previous posts, ive mentioned that he has let go of me and will never talk to me again. but like how i just said, somehow, we end up talking again. usually, it was when he was feeling very upset, since hes gone through a lot of shit in the past which i will not mention what out of respect. then, we would continue talking for the next few days, then he would just stop talking to me again out of nowhere. it was like this cruel, painful, never ending cycle. he would say he loves me, that he really does. and i believe it, but i also dont, after all hes done for me. but recently, this is where it got shitty again. i was feeling depressed as fuck the week before, wanting to hurt myself and commit. but then he talked to me again. he was feeling horrible. he explained how he wanted to let me go and stop talking because we can't be together, but its hard for him since he loves me a lot. we would talk about our problems, vent to each other. i love him, but he doesnt believe me. so then, we talked because he didnt just want it to end up feeling bad that night. he told me he didnt wanna lose me, since he was dealing with some shit mentally, and losing me would only make it worse. so im guessing he got past it, and now decided that throwing me away was the time. but its ok because i deserve it :) we had studied together for a quiz, did a lot of things together, like even going to chickfila. then i also had gotten sick for a few days and he took care of me. he gave me medicine, brought me oreos and milk in his mug to my dorm, just for me. he kissed me, knowing i was sick. he said it was worth it getting sick just to kiss me. told me to get rest and was just so damn sweet. but now, its all gone.
PART 2: FRIDAY THE 13TH
so, after that little background info, we started talking again. as the subtitle suggests, the night before valentines day, he got drunk, and i didnt know why, but i assumed he was going through something rough. eventually, he said i can come to his dorm, and i did. i went over to take care of him. there, he was a bit wobbly, he was saying things, offered me chicken that he made, things like that. eventually, he kept on telling me that i can leave, since he didnt want me to see him drunk. id aks him if he needed a hug, and he nodded yes. hes been needing one so bad, i assumed. he hugged me tight. then i asked him to lay down in his bed so that he could rest. but he refused. he just kept saying that i could leave. i kept hugging him though. he even asked me if i had ever seen a drunk person. i never have personally, so that got him even more worried. he told me, again, that i can leave. but i didnt want to. i wanted to make sure he was okay. he then asked me to stay. "you promise youre gonna stay?" so yeah, something told me he didnt want me to leave. eventually, he got extremely upset, and opened up, and spilled some of his past to me while drunk and sobbing. it broke my heart seeing that, and i cried too, but i stayed strong for him. he then told me to leave because he didnt want me to see him like this, but then he told me to stay because he needed someone. and i was there for him. i stayed by his side. i needed to make sure he was ok.
finally, i told him to get on his bed and he did, but he wanted me to lay down next to him. i agreed, but i made sure he wasnt gonna do anything stupid. so i laid by his side and hugged and comforted him. then, he wanted to kiss me, but i didnt let him because he was drunk. then, he had asked me to stay with him, and to not leave him. i assumed that meant even spending the night. but i wasnt gonna leave him just because his roommate came in. i didnt really care as long as he was alright. so, i snuggled up with him, and his roommate came in. he said i could leave, again, but i told him no, that i would stay by his side. and he hugged me tighter. i was a bit worried what his roommate would say, but then i stopped caring. i just held him in my arms and we both drifted to sleep.
PART 3: VALENTINE'S DAY :(
the next morning, he woke up feeling ok and he kept thanking me for taking care of him the previous night. we stayed in bed almost the whole day, but then we had to get up to get stuff done. he cooked some food, i helped wash his dishes, he sweeped, and called his brother while cleaning the kitchentops. then we sat down and ate. we finished, then i had to go back to my dorm to finish some stuff. i told him bye and went to my dorm. then, over text, he told me not to get him a valentines gift. and the reason was because he didnt wanna lead me on, since he doesnt want a relationship with me right now. i knew something was up. but i was delusional, i kept hoping he would change his mind. so i told him i was fine with that decision. then i continued doing whatever the fuck i was doing, then i got a big pizzabirria for me and him to share later.
later that night, he stopped by my dorm and he had apparently brought me a pack of oreos, some chocolates, and some flowers wrapped in a handmade vase thing. i was so fucking elated :D He even gave his other friends valentines day gifts with a single rose, and it looked like mine, but he gave me 4 instead of 1 rose, so i felt incredibly special. he said "thanks for taking care of me while drunk, happy valentines day :)" and we kissed. i got him the food and he enjoyed it so much, and hugged me. he literally started pacing the room because of how much he enjoyed it. seeing that warmed my heart so much, i just love remembering that. its bittersweet. then, we went to his dorm and we were gonna study for biology class, but then we got distracted and we were messing around. but in the midst of it, he told me he loves me, more than i'll ever know. but i told him that i dont believe him. i was being delusional and i believed him, but i think he really doesnt. i dont know. then we sat in his bed and we studied for a bit, then took a break. we were talking for a bit, cuddling, then all of a sudden, i started feeling really horrible. i felt worthless, like i meant nothing to anyone, especially not him. he then reassured me that im not, and hugged and kissed me. he told me to hug him, so that i wont feel as bad. i hugged him and he rubbed my back and comforted me. i felt so fucking warm, happy, relieved, like all my problems just washed away. i craved this feeling. i loved him so much. he would help me out so so much, and i dont do jack shit for him compared to him, but i try my best to help him. he just refuses my help a lot.
anyways, he tells me to lay down with him for a while, and i do. i feel so warm. so at peace. such euphoria, i cant even explain. its like he pulls away all my horrible thoughts out of me, everything bad thing ive been through, every bad thing ive done, he just pulls it out of me. i didnt want to lay down and we were hesistant because he had to wake up early for work the next day, but eventually, i fall asleep. and i miss it. i remember waking up in the middle of the night. i felt fuzzy and disoriented, but it felt so hot and warm being cuddled up next to him. he held me in his arms when he noticed i was waking up. he grabbed onto me and pulled me in tighter into him and gently shushed me to sleep. "shhh, its ok, just rest please" he said as he patted my hair. ive never felt such comfort in my life. this was it. this was all i ever wanted. i loved him so much. i fear i still do. but goddamn, just thinking about this memory hurts so damn bad because its never gonna happen again.
now, heres where everything goes wrong.
PART 4: POST-VALENTINES FUCK UP
after we slept that night on valentines day, we woke up at 6am. he had to leave the dorm to go to work soon and he wouldnt get off until 8pm. i had to leave the dorm too, since his roommate was there and of course, im not gonna be left there with him. so he walks me back to my dorm, kisses me, and he leaves. then i stay in my dorm, doing whatever i was doing that day. i honestly dont remember what i did. i do remember that i went back to sleep because i was really tired and we had slept pretty late, and i slept pretty much the whole day. i do remember him texting me around noon, asking if he had a good day and whatnot, then went back to work. and of course, i drifted off to sleep again. i woke up late as hell, and it was already 10pm. no text from him. he gets off at 8pm and doesnt take long for him to get back. so it was odd not seeing a text from him, but maybe he was just tired or something. i shrug it off. i nap again and wake up, then i saw he texted me "goodnight :)". i was happy that he did, then i text him goodnight, and apologize for not responding sooner, since i was asleep. then i fall BACK asleep (goddamn i sleep too much) since i had class the next day.
PART 5: MONDAY.
i wake up and already, i dont wanna go to class. i woke up to his texts. he just said "youre good, howd you sleep?" i felt something off about that text, but i ignore it. then i just decided i have to go to my chemistry class and blah blah blah. i respond to him, and he already was taking a lot longer to respond than he usually did. not that i minded because he couldve been busy, but he didnt even have class yet, so he was definitely awake and in his dorm, and it doesnt take long to respond to that message. but oh well. after chemistry, i went to my job, and still, no text after hours. So what i did was just mute his chat so that i wouldnt be disappointed or feel hurt that he didnt ever text back. i worked for 4 hours, then walked back, then i saw my friend walking towards me, then we started talking. it has been months since i last saw her. while i was talking with her, i actually spotted him getting on the bus to go to the other campus to go to class. i was right there. i was hoping he did see me, but at the same time, that he didnt. then i mentioned to my friend that i was going to that campus, since i was planning to study there. she then offered to take me there and she drove me there. after that, i walked to the building, but i didnt even study since my phone died.
but anyways, after all that, i left back to my dorm and i saw his messages. only 2 messages. "ah ok thats nice" and "im glad you rested". after all day. i knew it. i knew this was happening. literally anytime before he essentially ghosts me, he starts getting very dry with his texting. i start feeling down the whole day. i didnt even respond until much later. genuinely, what the hell happened? it was going fine, now this? i started crying because i was anticipating this. i didnt wanna aks if something was wrong because i feel like he wouldnt wanna tell me and im such a pussy when it comes to things like that. but i just hoped he had a good day. i then go to take a walk to clear my mind, but the opposite ended up happening...
I saw a notification on instagram, but then notice it was from him. i open it, thinking it was a text. oh no, how wrong i was. turns out, he cleared my nickname for instagram. i remember he had a cute little nickname for me on there. nope. he removed it now. my heart fucking sank. this is the first (and probably last) time hes done this. i start feleing incredibly upset and start crying a bit. i immediately walk to the train tracks, where i was gonna hurt myself while bawling my eyes out. when i got there, i sat down and started sobbing so hard. i felt so fucking hurt. why now? why all of a sudden?? was it really this extreme? did i do something bad? then he texted me again on the main messaging app. "oh shit, i forgot to give you your sheet for bio" and "also can you return my mug please?". just seeing these messages made me sob even harder. why the hell is this all happening now? how could this happen?? genuinely, it was going fine, but i know its because i messed it up. it was doomed from the start. after crying and hurting myself for a bit with rocks, i go back to my dorm. i try to wash up my face, since it was a wet, sticky mess of eyeliner and snot. after a bit, he texts me if im in my dorm so he can get his mug. i say yes. i just lay down, cry some more while listening to music. i try to distract myself with youtube, and it worked for a bit. then i hear knocking on my door.
my heart starts to beat so fast. i opened the door and there he is. he comes in and asks to turn on the lights, since i turned them all off. i just stand there awkwardly, while he opens up his bag. "did you have a good day?" he asks me. "it was alright. what about you?" i say. he just shrugs. "it was good" he says. then he hands me a handout from my biology class that i didnt finish and we thought it was due, but it wasnt, which he explained. i then point to his mug on the counter. "its right there" i say. then, he takes something else out of his backpack. it was the little eevee figurine i gave him a while back. i gave it to him as a little gift. it meant a lot to me, and wanted to give it to him. but nope. he just gave it right back. "here i cant take this", he says as he gives it back to me. i just stand there even more heartbroken. i nod painfully at him, and dont say anything. then he leaves my dorm. "catch you later" he says. but he never did. i went to sleep that night just crying.
PART 6: THE TERRIBLE PRESENT
today was just awful. i went to my biology class in the morning, i woke up feeling sick in my stomach. i didnt wanna go because he is in my biology class. but today, we had an exam, so i had to go. i go in, sit down, then i see him walk in and sit down in front of my row, probably because there were no other seats left. he saw me as he sat down. i saw him see me. i take my test and leave. i was having a good day, trying to forget about everything and distract myself throughout the day with my classes, videos, and my imagination. it was going good until i saw on instagram that he had unfollowed me. i remember sending my friend her notes and i accidentally clicked on her profile, but i noticed something. he follows her on there too, but his name wasnt there. then i went to his profile and saw i wasnt following him, even though i never unfollowed him. it looks like he unfollowed me too and removed me from his followers. i also noticed that the same friend never responded to my texts. at all. i had sent her a text a few days back. no response. this one? no response either. idk what happened. did he tell them?
but anyways, seeing that broke me even more. i started crying, just feeling horrible for everything he's doing. it was just a slow descent into him pushing me away. i feel so fucking devastated. i tried talking to my friend about it, but i still feel horrible. now i dont know what to do. i cant move on. hes the only one that actually cared for me like that. i love him. i love him so much. did that valentines gift mean nothing? why did he give it to me if it meant nothing???? i dont wanna keep on doing this anymore.
PART 7: AFTERTHOUGHTS AND AFTERMATH
well, i guess it really did finally happen. all his talk of wanting to let me go finally happened. no more talking with him. it hurts because i love him. it hurt even more because he didnt believe me, but thats not his fault. it hurts so bad. i feel stupid, pathetic, used. how could i get so attached? and i dont regret anything with him. i genuinely loved taking care of him and helping him out, especially after he told me all the shit hes been through. it was hard doing so because he never let me help him and wouldnt accept my help. maybe that was it. maybe i was too much. i was pushing it too much onto him. fucking hell. i just fear hes gonna destroy our little monument on the train tracks. to destroy any remnant of the relationship we had. we had a spot on the train tracks that we would hang out a lot. there, we would talk, cry, kiss, hug, sleep, do other...stuff... we had marked it by making a little rock circle. later on, he put his initial in rocks, and so did i. then, while he was trying to quit vaping, he had put a heart in rocks there and he destroyed his vape and put it in the center. i felt so damn proud of him for trying to quit. he said he did it for me. i felt proud. now i dont even know if he will again. i really hope not. ill never know cuz he'll never talk to me again. if he actually even unfollowed me on instagram, i think he might destroy that altar. im so scared to find out because if he does, thats how i know hes serious. i dont want him to destroy it, i love it. it means so much to me. its where we shared our feelings and stuff. i really am so scared, i dont know what to do if does destroy it. im gonna go check tomorrow to see if he did. if he does, then fuck my life. i also had given him a bracelet a long while back too, but he never returned that to me. or maybe he meant to, but forgot it. or gave it away. im so pathetic, making excuses as to why he might not forget me, since he has my bracelet. and the shirt i gave to him. but who knows. maybe he already doesnt care about that shit anymore.
genuinely, i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont know what caused it. did i do something? say something? this relationship has been rocky and extremely complicated from the start due to simply one other reason, but i feel to fucking ashamed and stupid to say it. all i know is tha its my fault. i dug my own grave. i got myself into this situation. and i kept falling for it everytime because i was desperate to have him, to have him love and dote on me, to be able to hold him and care for him, tell him that itll be okay, listen to him when no one else would give a damn. everything hes been through and is going through fucking breaks me. maybe thats why he stopped talking to me because hes dealing with shit and doesnt wanna deal with my dumbass self. as much as i gotta accept it, i cant. it hurts. i dont want him to push me away. i was here to help him. but i feel like i also pushed my own problems onto him maybe a lot too.
how does it feel having someone dump a bunch of stuff on you? a lot of words that hold heavy meanings? it doesnt feel good. i hope i didnt make him feel that way. thats the last thing i wanted. ive hurt him too before emotionally, so i cant even be talking. i want to help, but i end up hurting. i ruin everything i touch. i can never do anything right. i feel like i may just want control and am too overbearing, but i wouldve never known. i just wanted to help and be helped. i didnt want anything in return. if i could, id help him with anything right now, despite him ignoring me and stopping loving me. but he wants his space from me. he doesnt want to see my hideous face anymore. he wants to let go. maybe it was better for him. and i hope he just feels content and relieved, but goddamn, it hurts. knowing he'll never be mine ever. all the times he would say that im his and that hes mine, meant nothing. did all the hugs and kisses and sex mean nothing? did it? did it mean ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING?? fuck, i want to hurt my worthless body so badly. im discarded trash. but maybe this is what i get for hurting him and others. for wanting his attention. for wanting him to be with me. this is what i get for ruining shit. i mess everything up. every relationship ive had romantically? ended and messed up. i fucking hate myself more than anything.
PART 8: FINAL, WARM REMINISCENT THOUGHTS
this man is different. he is the sweetest guy ever. EVER. no one has ever been kind to me like he was. not only kind to me, but to others too. hes really smart, funny, very empathetic, hes been through so much shit and currently is, and it astonishes me how he genuinely manages to keep up, after everything hes told me. i wanted to help him, i felt incredibly bad for him. i wanted to love him, and share that love with him. he was really handsome and flirty, and his personality was awesome. although we didnt have the same music taste at all, i didnt care. i overlooked that. i wanted to introduce him to stuff i liked. stuff i grew up with. i was so excited to do so. but now thats never gonna happen. i kept reminiscing the beginning of when he talked to me, even while typing all this lol. we met in biology because of a group project. i learned he was colombian. he would call me by my instagram nickname, which was "glorp". i found that really cute lol. i showed him how much i loved bunnies and cats, and we would send cute bunnies all the time. he would call me his bunny, tell me i was cute, kiss me, speak spanish to me lovingly. oh, how i would melt anytime he did any of that~
i remember when he showed me the train track spot for the first time, when we hugged and cuddled, when he took me to checkers one night, to then watch my little pony with me, when we slept in his car, when he drove me to my house for the weekend for a braces appointment, which was 3 hours total for him. but i remember we stopped at taco bell and we did a spicy sauce challenge (i won lol). he held my hand the whole time while driving. i miss it. i remember when he picked me up, he even met my mom, my grandma, and uncle. i remember when we went home for the winter break, and he drove an hour just to see me and pick me up so that we can hang out in atlanta. i remember he helped a guy with a walker down the stairs on the metro train, which was so sweet of him. he protected me, made sure no one was gonna hurt me. he made conversation with this family on the train, offered them help, gave them advice, and wished them well. he took me to chickfila later that day and when we went in, a guy complimented his hoodie and a girl complimented me, and he said "yeah shes really pretty" (referring to me). god i was a blushing mess. i remember him comforting me when i was feeling down, helping to clean up my self harm wounds, listening to me, helping me out a lot, i remember showing him some drawings i made of him. He'd send me pictures and videos of me that he loved and would call me his baby. hes done so much for me. i miss it badly.
the only thing that i couldnt really enjoy is that he was really extroverted, meanwhile im introverted as fuck lol. he knew SOOOOO many people on campus. anywhere we would walk to, he'd say hi and talk to at least 10 different people. it was a bit tiring, but i knew the reasoning behind it. so im not mad at him for that lol, but yes, id get annoyed. id just stand there awkwardly and not talk, or sometimes just keep on walking. but i felt bad for abandoning him. but talking to that many people while going outside, especially college guys who i dont relate with at all, kinda gives me some kind of anxious feeling and even feeling slightly overstimulated from that much human contact lol. but thats just me being pathetic. either way, i didnt mind at all. i didnt have to talk to his friends. but it felt wrong because it would seem like i hated them and maybe they got the wrong impression of me and now they think im a mean bitch who hates everyone. oh well, what does it matter. some people that know him and used to talk to him (i dont even know these people) were talking and saying rumors about me and him, so why does it even matter anymore?
now its all gone. all because i was too indecisive. i waited too long to make a decision. what i did was horrible. im disgusting, a shitty, vile person for what i did. i regret it so bad. i shouldve just made the choice from the start. it was right there and i didnt do it. now i will suffer the consequences of my own actions. its sickeningly sweet just remembering every good memory i had with him, and now sickening to see the slow descent of him completely blocking me out. its all my goddamn fault. i couldve had something with him. but he had already gave up trying. it was too late. i was being a selfish bitch who couldnt let go. now, i think i have to kill myself. he said it would break him if i ever did. but what if he doesnt have to know? all of this has gotten to me. its fucking horrible how this shit went down. i didnt mean to make him think i was using him for attention. i really didnt. i genuinely loved him. i didnt want him for attention only. but he never believed me. all because i waited too long. none of this is his fault or anyone else's, its mine. all mine. solely mine.
im gonna kill myself. im sorry my bunny, but i have to. if i cant be with you, then whats the point of life? you were the only one who brought life to me. but its draining out now. im sorry i couldnt keep going, like all the times you told me to. im so so sorry. i dont know when ill do it, but hopefully soon. and this time, ill be sure to make that decision quick :)
thank you to whoever read this, but i doubt anyone read all of it. its just a whole lot and i needed to vent it out. but heres a lesson. dont wait on things too long. it might cause some hardships. but dont be extremely quick with your decisions. anyways, i hope you have a great life. again, thank you, and i am grateful for you <3
and again, sorry to those who ive hurt. (R, D, G, J, A). i wish you all the best.
here goes...
PART 1: BACKGROUND
its been done. the guy i used to hang out with in the train tracks. im sure hes serious. theres been so many times where he just stops talking to me, then he just talks to me again because he needed me and was feeling horrible. but this is basically what happened: in my previous posts, ive mentioned that he has let go of me and will never talk to me again. but like how i just said, somehow, we end up talking again. usually, it was when he was feeling very upset, since hes gone through a lot of shit in the past which i will not mention what out of respect. then, we would continue talking for the next few days, then he would just stop talking to me again out of nowhere. it was like this cruel, painful, never ending cycle. he would say he loves me, that he really does. and i believe it, but i also dont, after all hes done for me. but recently, this is where it got shitty again. i was feeling depressed as fuck the week before, wanting to hurt myself and commit. but then he talked to me again. he was feeling horrible. he explained how he wanted to let me go and stop talking because we can't be together, but its hard for him since he loves me a lot. we would talk about our problems, vent to each other. i love him, but he doesnt believe me. so then, we talked because he didnt just want it to end up feeling bad that night. he told me he didnt wanna lose me, since he was dealing with some shit mentally, and losing me would only make it worse. so im guessing he got past it, and now decided that throwing me away was the time. but its ok because i deserve it :) we had studied together for a quiz, did a lot of things together, like even going to chickfila. then i also had gotten sick for a few days and he took care of me. he gave me medicine, brought me oreos and milk in his mug to my dorm, just for me. he kissed me, knowing i was sick. he said it was worth it getting sick just to kiss me. told me to get rest and was just so damn sweet. but now, its all gone.
PART 2: FRIDAY THE 13TH
so, after that little background info, we started talking again. as the subtitle suggests, the night before valentines day, he got drunk, and i didnt know why, but i assumed he was going through something rough. eventually, he said i can come to his dorm, and i did. i went over to take care of him. there, he was a bit wobbly, he was saying things, offered me chicken that he made, things like that. eventually, he kept on telling me that i can leave, since he didnt want me to see him drunk. id aks him if he needed a hug, and he nodded yes. hes been needing one so bad, i assumed. he hugged me tight. then i asked him to lay down in his bed so that he could rest. but he refused. he just kept saying that i could leave. i kept hugging him though. he even asked me if i had ever seen a drunk person. i never have personally, so that got him even more worried. he told me, again, that i can leave. but i didnt want to. i wanted to make sure he was okay. he then asked me to stay. "you promise youre gonna stay?" so yeah, something told me he didnt want me to leave. eventually, he got extremely upset, and opened up, and spilled some of his past to me while drunk and sobbing. it broke my heart seeing that, and i cried too, but i stayed strong for him. he then told me to leave because he didnt want me to see him like this, but then he told me to stay because he needed someone. and i was there for him. i stayed by his side. i needed to make sure he was ok.
finally, i told him to get on his bed and he did, but he wanted me to lay down next to him. i agreed, but i made sure he wasnt gonna do anything stupid. so i laid by his side and hugged and comforted him. then, he wanted to kiss me, but i didnt let him because he was drunk. then, he had asked me to stay with him, and to not leave him. i assumed that meant even spending the night. but i wasnt gonna leave him just because his roommate came in. i didnt really care as long as he was alright. so, i snuggled up with him, and his roommate came in. he said i could leave, again, but i told him no, that i would stay by his side. and he hugged me tighter. i was a bit worried what his roommate would say, but then i stopped caring. i just held him in my arms and we both drifted to sleep.
PART 3: VALENTINE'S DAY :(
the next morning, he woke up feeling ok and he kept thanking me for taking care of him the previous night. we stayed in bed almost the whole day, but then we had to get up to get stuff done. he cooked some food, i helped wash his dishes, he sweeped, and called his brother while cleaning the kitchentops. then we sat down and ate. we finished, then i had to go back to my dorm to finish some stuff. i told him bye and went to my dorm. then, over text, he told me not to get him a valentines gift. and the reason was because he didnt wanna lead me on, since he doesnt want a relationship with me right now. i knew something was up. but i was delusional, i kept hoping he would change his mind. so i told him i was fine with that decision. then i continued doing whatever the fuck i was doing, then i got a big pizzabirria for me and him to share later.
later that night, he stopped by my dorm and he had apparently brought me a pack of oreos, some chocolates, and some flowers wrapped in a handmade vase thing. i was so fucking elated :D He even gave his other friends valentines day gifts with a single rose, and it looked like mine, but he gave me 4 instead of 1 rose, so i felt incredibly special. he said "thanks for taking care of me while drunk, happy valentines day :)" and we kissed. i got him the food and he enjoyed it so much, and hugged me. he literally started pacing the room because of how much he enjoyed it. seeing that warmed my heart so much, i just love remembering that. its bittersweet. then, we went to his dorm and we were gonna study for biology class, but then we got distracted and we were messing around. but in the midst of it, he told me he loves me, more than i'll ever know. but i told him that i dont believe him. i was being delusional and i believed him, but i think he really doesnt. i dont know. then we sat in his bed and we studied for a bit, then took a break. we were talking for a bit, cuddling, then all of a sudden, i started feeling really horrible. i felt worthless, like i meant nothing to anyone, especially not him. he then reassured me that im not, and hugged and kissed me. he told me to hug him, so that i wont feel as bad. i hugged him and he rubbed my back and comforted me. i felt so fucking warm, happy, relieved, like all my problems just washed away. i craved this feeling. i loved him so much. he would help me out so so much, and i dont do jack shit for him compared to him, but i try my best to help him. he just refuses my help a lot.
anyways, he tells me to lay down with him for a while, and i do. i feel so warm. so at peace. such euphoria, i cant even explain. its like he pulls away all my horrible thoughts out of me, everything bad thing ive been through, every bad thing ive done, he just pulls it out of me. i didnt want to lay down and we were hesistant because he had to wake up early for work the next day, but eventually, i fall asleep. and i miss it. i remember waking up in the middle of the night. i felt fuzzy and disoriented, but it felt so hot and warm being cuddled up next to him. he held me in his arms when he noticed i was waking up. he grabbed onto me and pulled me in tighter into him and gently shushed me to sleep. "shhh, its ok, just rest please" he said as he patted my hair. ive never felt such comfort in my life. this was it. this was all i ever wanted. i loved him so much. i fear i still do. but goddamn, just thinking about this memory hurts so damn bad because its never gonna happen again.
now, heres where everything goes wrong.
PART 4: POST-VALENTINES FUCK UP
after we slept that night on valentines day, we woke up at 6am. he had to leave the dorm to go to work soon and he wouldnt get off until 8pm. i had to leave the dorm too, since his roommate was there and of course, im not gonna be left there with him. so he walks me back to my dorm, kisses me, and he leaves. then i stay in my dorm, doing whatever i was doing that day. i honestly dont remember what i did. i do remember that i went back to sleep because i was really tired and we had slept pretty late, and i slept pretty much the whole day. i do remember him texting me around noon, asking if he had a good day and whatnot, then went back to work. and of course, i drifted off to sleep again. i woke up late as hell, and it was already 10pm. no text from him. he gets off at 8pm and doesnt take long for him to get back. so it was odd not seeing a text from him, but maybe he was just tired or something. i shrug it off. i nap again and wake up, then i saw he texted me "goodnight :)". i was happy that he did, then i text him goodnight, and apologize for not responding sooner, since i was asleep. then i fall BACK asleep (goddamn i sleep too much) since i had class the next day.
PART 5: MONDAY.
i wake up and already, i dont wanna go to class. i woke up to his texts. he just said "youre good, howd you sleep?" i felt something off about that text, but i ignore it. then i just decided i have to go to my chemistry class and blah blah blah. i respond to him, and he already was taking a lot longer to respond than he usually did. not that i minded because he couldve been busy, but he didnt even have class yet, so he was definitely awake and in his dorm, and it doesnt take long to respond to that message. but oh well. after chemistry, i went to my job, and still, no text after hours. So what i did was just mute his chat so that i wouldnt be disappointed or feel hurt that he didnt ever text back. i worked for 4 hours, then walked back, then i saw my friend walking towards me, then we started talking. it has been months since i last saw her. while i was talking with her, i actually spotted him getting on the bus to go to the other campus to go to class. i was right there. i was hoping he did see me, but at the same time, that he didnt. then i mentioned to my friend that i was going to that campus, since i was planning to study there. she then offered to take me there and she drove me there. after that, i walked to the building, but i didnt even study since my phone died.
but anyways, after all that, i left back to my dorm and i saw his messages. only 2 messages. "ah ok thats nice" and "im glad you rested". after all day. i knew it. i knew this was happening. literally anytime before he essentially ghosts me, he starts getting very dry with his texting. i start feeling down the whole day. i didnt even respond until much later. genuinely, what the hell happened? it was going fine, now this? i started crying because i was anticipating this. i didnt wanna aks if something was wrong because i feel like he wouldnt wanna tell me and im such a pussy when it comes to things like that. but i just hoped he had a good day. i then go to take a walk to clear my mind, but the opposite ended up happening...
I saw a notification on instagram, but then notice it was from him. i open it, thinking it was a text. oh no, how wrong i was. turns out, he cleared my nickname for instagram. i remember he had a cute little nickname for me on there. nope. he removed it now. my heart fucking sank. this is the first (and probably last) time hes done this. i start feleing incredibly upset and start crying a bit. i immediately walk to the train tracks, where i was gonna hurt myself while bawling my eyes out. when i got there, i sat down and started sobbing so hard. i felt so fucking hurt. why now? why all of a sudden?? was it really this extreme? did i do something bad? then he texted me again on the main messaging app. "oh shit, i forgot to give you your sheet for bio" and "also can you return my mug please?". just seeing these messages made me sob even harder. why the hell is this all happening now? how could this happen?? genuinely, it was going fine, but i know its because i messed it up. it was doomed from the start. after crying and hurting myself for a bit with rocks, i go back to my dorm. i try to wash up my face, since it was a wet, sticky mess of eyeliner and snot. after a bit, he texts me if im in my dorm so he can get his mug. i say yes. i just lay down, cry some more while listening to music. i try to distract myself with youtube, and it worked for a bit. then i hear knocking on my door.
my heart starts to beat so fast. i opened the door and there he is. he comes in and asks to turn on the lights, since i turned them all off. i just stand there awkwardly, while he opens up his bag. "did you have a good day?" he asks me. "it was alright. what about you?" i say. he just shrugs. "it was good" he says. then he hands me a handout from my biology class that i didnt finish and we thought it was due, but it wasnt, which he explained. i then point to his mug on the counter. "its right there" i say. then, he takes something else out of his backpack. it was the little eevee figurine i gave him a while back. i gave it to him as a little gift. it meant a lot to me, and wanted to give it to him. but nope. he just gave it right back. "here i cant take this", he says as he gives it back to me. i just stand there even more heartbroken. i nod painfully at him, and dont say anything. then he leaves my dorm. "catch you later" he says. but he never did. i went to sleep that night just crying.
PART 6: THE TERRIBLE PRESENT
today was just awful. i went to my biology class in the morning, i woke up feeling sick in my stomach. i didnt wanna go because he is in my biology class. but today, we had an exam, so i had to go. i go in, sit down, then i see him walk in and sit down in front of my row, probably because there were no other seats left. he saw me as he sat down. i saw him see me. i take my test and leave. i was having a good day, trying to forget about everything and distract myself throughout the day with my classes, videos, and my imagination. it was going good until i saw on instagram that he had unfollowed me. i remember sending my friend her notes and i accidentally clicked on her profile, but i noticed something. he follows her on there too, but his name wasnt there. then i went to his profile and saw i wasnt following him, even though i never unfollowed him. it looks like he unfollowed me too and removed me from his followers. i also noticed that the same friend never responded to my texts. at all. i had sent her a text a few days back. no response. this one? no response either. idk what happened. did he tell them?
but anyways, seeing that broke me even more. i started crying, just feeling horrible for everything he's doing. it was just a slow descent into him pushing me away. i feel so fucking devastated. i tried talking to my friend about it, but i still feel horrible. now i dont know what to do. i cant move on. hes the only one that actually cared for me like that. i love him. i love him so much. did that valentines gift mean nothing? why did he give it to me if it meant nothing???? i dont wanna keep on doing this anymore.
PART 7: AFTERTHOUGHTS AND AFTERMATH
well, i guess it really did finally happen. all his talk of wanting to let me go finally happened. no more talking with him. it hurts because i love him. it hurt even more because he didnt believe me, but thats not his fault. it hurts so bad. i feel stupid, pathetic, used. how could i get so attached? and i dont regret anything with him. i genuinely loved taking care of him and helping him out, especially after he told me all the shit hes been through. it was hard doing so because he never let me help him and wouldnt accept my help. maybe that was it. maybe i was too much. i was pushing it too much onto him. fucking hell. i just fear hes gonna destroy our little monument on the train tracks. to destroy any remnant of the relationship we had. we had a spot on the train tracks that we would hang out a lot. there, we would talk, cry, kiss, hug, sleep, do other...stuff... we had marked it by making a little rock circle. later on, he put his initial in rocks, and so did i. then, while he was trying to quit vaping, he had put a heart in rocks there and he destroyed his vape and put it in the center. i felt so damn proud of him for trying to quit. he said he did it for me. i felt proud. now i dont even know if he will again. i really hope not. ill never know cuz he'll never talk to me again. if he actually even unfollowed me on instagram, i think he might destroy that altar. im so scared to find out because if he does, thats how i know hes serious. i dont want him to destroy it, i love it. it means so much to me. its where we shared our feelings and stuff. i really am so scared, i dont know what to do if does destroy it. im gonna go check tomorrow to see if he did. if he does, then fuck my life. i also had given him a bracelet a long while back too, but he never returned that to me. or maybe he meant to, but forgot it. or gave it away. im so pathetic, making excuses as to why he might not forget me, since he has my bracelet. and the shirt i gave to him. but who knows. maybe he already doesnt care about that shit anymore.
genuinely, i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont know what caused it. did i do something? say something? this relationship has been rocky and extremely complicated from the start due to simply one other reason, but i feel to fucking ashamed and stupid to say it. all i know is tha its my fault. i dug my own grave. i got myself into this situation. and i kept falling for it everytime because i was desperate to have him, to have him love and dote on me, to be able to hold him and care for him, tell him that itll be okay, listen to him when no one else would give a damn. everything hes been through and is going through fucking breaks me. maybe thats why he stopped talking to me because hes dealing with shit and doesnt wanna deal with my dumbass self. as much as i gotta accept it, i cant. it hurts. i dont want him to push me away. i was here to help him. but i feel like i also pushed my own problems onto him maybe a lot too.
how does it feel having someone dump a bunch of stuff on you? a lot of words that hold heavy meanings? it doesnt feel good. i hope i didnt make him feel that way. thats the last thing i wanted. ive hurt him too before emotionally, so i cant even be talking. i want to help, but i end up hurting. i ruin everything i touch. i can never do anything right. i feel like i may just want control and am too overbearing, but i wouldve never known. i just wanted to help and be helped. i didnt want anything in return. if i could, id help him with anything right now, despite him ignoring me and stopping loving me. but he wants his space from me. he doesnt want to see my hideous face anymore. he wants to let go. maybe it was better for him. and i hope he just feels content and relieved, but goddamn, it hurts. knowing he'll never be mine ever. all the times he would say that im his and that hes mine, meant nothing. did all the hugs and kisses and sex mean nothing? did it? did it mean ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING?? fuck, i want to hurt my worthless body so badly. im discarded trash. but maybe this is what i get for hurting him and others. for wanting his attention. for wanting him to be with me. this is what i get for ruining shit. i mess everything up. every relationship ive had romantically? ended and messed up. i fucking hate myself more than anything.
PART 8: FINAL, WARM REMINISCENT THOUGHTS
this man is different. he is the sweetest guy ever. EVER. no one has ever been kind to me like he was. not only kind to me, but to others too. hes really smart, funny, very empathetic, hes been through so much shit and currently is, and it astonishes me how he genuinely manages to keep up, after everything hes told me. i wanted to help him, i felt incredibly bad for him. i wanted to love him, and share that love with him. he was really handsome and flirty, and his personality was awesome. although we didnt have the same music taste at all, i didnt care. i overlooked that. i wanted to introduce him to stuff i liked. stuff i grew up with. i was so excited to do so. but now thats never gonna happen. i kept reminiscing the beginning of when he talked to me, even while typing all this lol. we met in biology because of a group project. i learned he was colombian. he would call me by my instagram nickname, which was "glorp". i found that really cute lol. i showed him how much i loved bunnies and cats, and we would send cute bunnies all the time. he would call me his bunny, tell me i was cute, kiss me, speak spanish to me lovingly. oh, how i would melt anytime he did any of that~
i remember when he showed me the train track spot for the first time, when we hugged and cuddled, when he took me to checkers one night, to then watch my little pony with me, when we slept in his car, when he drove me to my house for the weekend for a braces appointment, which was 3 hours total for him. but i remember we stopped at taco bell and we did a spicy sauce challenge (i won lol). he held my hand the whole time while driving. i miss it. i remember when he picked me up, he even met my mom, my grandma, and uncle. i remember when we went home for the winter break, and he drove an hour just to see me and pick me up so that we can hang out in atlanta. i remember he helped a guy with a walker down the stairs on the metro train, which was so sweet of him. he protected me, made sure no one was gonna hurt me. he made conversation with this family on the train, offered them help, gave them advice, and wished them well. he took me to chickfila later that day and when we went in, a guy complimented his hoodie and a girl complimented me, and he said "yeah shes really pretty" (referring to me). god i was a blushing mess. i remember him comforting me when i was feeling down, helping to clean up my self harm wounds, listening to me, helping me out a lot, i remember showing him some drawings i made of him. He'd send me pictures and videos of me that he loved and would call me his baby. hes done so much for me. i miss it badly.
the only thing that i couldnt really enjoy is that he was really extroverted, meanwhile im introverted as fuck lol. he knew SOOOOO many people on campus. anywhere we would walk to, he'd say hi and talk to at least 10 different people. it was a bit tiring, but i knew the reasoning behind it. so im not mad at him for that lol, but yes, id get annoyed. id just stand there awkwardly and not talk, or sometimes just keep on walking. but i felt bad for abandoning him. but talking to that many people while going outside, especially college guys who i dont relate with at all, kinda gives me some kind of anxious feeling and even feeling slightly overstimulated from that much human contact lol. but thats just me being pathetic. either way, i didnt mind at all. i didnt have to talk to his friends. but it felt wrong because it would seem like i hated them and maybe they got the wrong impression of me and now they think im a mean bitch who hates everyone. oh well, what does it matter. some people that know him and used to talk to him (i dont even know these people) were talking and saying rumors about me and him, so why does it even matter anymore?
now its all gone. all because i was too indecisive. i waited too long to make a decision. what i did was horrible. im disgusting, a shitty, vile person for what i did. i regret it so bad. i shouldve just made the choice from the start. it was right there and i didnt do it. now i will suffer the consequences of my own actions. its sickeningly sweet just remembering every good memory i had with him, and now sickening to see the slow descent of him completely blocking me out. its all my goddamn fault. i couldve had something with him. but he had already gave up trying. it was too late. i was being a selfish bitch who couldnt let go. now, i think i have to kill myself. he said it would break him if i ever did. but what if he doesnt have to know? all of this has gotten to me. its fucking horrible how this shit went down. i didnt mean to make him think i was using him for attention. i really didnt. i genuinely loved him. i didnt want him for attention only. but he never believed me. all because i waited too long. none of this is his fault or anyone else's, its mine. all mine. solely mine.
im gonna kill myself. im sorry my bunny, but i have to. if i cant be with you, then whats the point of life? you were the only one who brought life to me. but its draining out now. im sorry i couldnt keep going, like all the times you told me to. im so so sorry. i dont know when ill do it, but hopefully soon. and this time, ill be sure to make that decision quick :)
thank you to whoever read this, but i doubt anyone read all of it. its just a whole lot and i needed to vent it out. but heres a lesson. dont wait on things too long. it might cause some hardships. but dont be extremely quick with your decisions. anyways, i hope you have a great life. again, thank you, and i am grateful for you <3
and again, sorry to those who ive hurt. (R, D, G, J, A). i wish you all the best.
