BeansOfRequirement
Man-child, loser, autistic, etc.
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,781
Throwing out some stuff on here without much forethought or order in mind.
As long as you're not exactly like me, you're fine. You can be a little or a lot smarter or dumber, but don't match my exact brain performance. Or do, but then don't have the same amount and same kinds of autism, have a little less or a little more. Or maybe that's fine too, but then you need to look a little better physically, or a lot better, or somewhat worse. Maybe copy all of that, but then you'd better have wealthier parents, or poorer ones. Could probably get away with matching me so far, but you better make better decisions, or worse ones. Be born 20 years before me, or 20 years after me. Start watching porn five years later, or have someone step in when you see it at age 6. Think about things way less, or more. Be more extroverted... or introverted. Be more gullible earlier, or think more skeptically about what randos propagate online. Be more independent, or needy. Have no need for romance, or have more. Be more masculine or feminine. Be more impulsive, or be more careful. Just don't fucking be literally me or you'll never get a girlfriend and the emotional pain won't be enough to kill you (it and you are too much and too little for that), it's just enough to keep you on the brink of death until the day you die. It's wrong, however (absolutely speaking), because things can virtually always get worse, and there are thousands upon thousands who have way worse lives than me. Relatively, though, comparing myself to those around me. Yeah, it almost holds up, ignoring exceptionally tragic edge cases. Just don't be me in that class of kids, maybe even that school or that municipality.
I remember, now years ago, writhing in pain from these sensations of cold, void, ice, black hole, unfulfilled desire for recognition/attention/love/warmth. Unable then to stop my pain, or sometimes rage. Now, that pain is still there, and I can still writhe, grimace and squirm, I believe to the same intensity, but it bothers me less; mostly or entirely due to mindfulness practice (meditation megathread shoutout). I can basically stop myself mid "episode", I can choose to trigger myself and rev it up or not. I can focus on other things, or focus on the emotional pain. All it takes is more or less a slideshow of what most people experience daily to send me into emotional agony that has me crying and seething, visibly shook, etc, but I can stop it fast if I want to.
Seeing people outside, or online, is really fucking me up slowly but surely whenever I have to make contact with that stuff. I get broken down slowly by the couples, the women, etc. Just go inside, please. Go. Inside. Now. I'm trying to buy groceries, I'm taking a walk, I'm trying to exercise. Go inside. Go inside. Go inside. Do it inside. Leave. Leave. Leave. LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE. INSIDE. INSIDE. LEAVE INSIDE. LIVE INSIDE. LIVE INSIDE. LIVE INSIDE. (Emotional expression, not actual opinion).
With all these threats and changes, feels like I can't plan longer than a fucking day/week/month without running into some shitty trash. I used to be the guy who though furthest ahead in my peer group, now I guess it's the exact opposite, or would be if I had a peer group.
My emotions tell me to die. Not to rest, not to give up, not to fight, not to hate, not to change, not to think, not to worry. They tell me to die. But I won't yet. Guess I'll basically be murdered "soon".
Is the drive to reproduce stronger than the drive to survive? When and how? Is the emotion that's most hurtful the one that expresses your DNA's propagation prospects the most? This porn addiction, how much, if any, is it adding to this experience?
Taking care of my physicality seems to just make me suffer with more energy. Guess I'll take it, better than nothing. Stepping stone?
Yeah, it looks like money is going to become a problem, idk.
People are escaping horrible fates by getting drunk and making out with someone when they're like 15. Regarded?
Will resting in that extreme sadness help my immune system finally get over this shitfucked virus or whatever?
We adapt in both direction, the people who are 10x better off than you are also working at max capacity to hold their shit together (super depressing if true?).
As long as you're not exactly like me, you're fine. You can be a little or a lot smarter or dumber, but don't match my exact brain performance. Or do, but then don't have the same amount and same kinds of autism, have a little less or a little more. Or maybe that's fine too, but then you need to look a little better physically, or a lot better, or somewhat worse. Maybe copy all of that, but then you'd better have wealthier parents, or poorer ones. Could probably get away with matching me so far, but you better make better decisions, or worse ones. Be born 20 years before me, or 20 years after me. Start watching porn five years later, or have someone step in when you see it at age 6. Think about things way less, or more. Be more extroverted... or introverted. Be more gullible earlier, or think more skeptically about what randos propagate online. Be more independent, or needy. Have no need for romance, or have more. Be more masculine or feminine. Be more impulsive, or be more careful. Just don't fucking be literally me or you'll never get a girlfriend and the emotional pain won't be enough to kill you (it and you are too much and too little for that), it's just enough to keep you on the brink of death until the day you die. It's wrong, however (absolutely speaking), because things can virtually always get worse, and there are thousands upon thousands who have way worse lives than me. Relatively, though, comparing myself to those around me. Yeah, it almost holds up, ignoring exceptionally tragic edge cases. Just don't be me in that class of kids, maybe even that school or that municipality.
I remember, now years ago, writhing in pain from these sensations of cold, void, ice, black hole, unfulfilled desire for recognition/attention/love/warmth. Unable then to stop my pain, or sometimes rage. Now, that pain is still there, and I can still writhe, grimace and squirm, I believe to the same intensity, but it bothers me less; mostly or entirely due to mindfulness practice (meditation megathread shoutout). I can basically stop myself mid "episode", I can choose to trigger myself and rev it up or not. I can focus on other things, or focus on the emotional pain. All it takes is more or less a slideshow of what most people experience daily to send me into emotional agony that has me crying and seething, visibly shook, etc, but I can stop it fast if I want to.
Seeing people outside, or online, is really fucking me up slowly but surely whenever I have to make contact with that stuff. I get broken down slowly by the couples, the women, etc. Just go inside, please. Go. Inside. Now. I'm trying to buy groceries, I'm taking a walk, I'm trying to exercise. Go inside. Go inside. Go inside. Do it inside. Leave. Leave. Leave. LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE. INSIDE. INSIDE. LEAVE INSIDE. LIVE INSIDE. LIVE INSIDE. LIVE INSIDE. (Emotional expression, not actual opinion).
With all these threats and changes, feels like I can't plan longer than a fucking day/week/month without running into some shitty trash. I used to be the guy who though furthest ahead in my peer group, now I guess it's the exact opposite, or would be if I had a peer group.
My emotions tell me to die. Not to rest, not to give up, not to fight, not to hate, not to change, not to think, not to worry. They tell me to die. But I won't yet. Guess I'll basically be murdered "soon".
Is the drive to reproduce stronger than the drive to survive? When and how? Is the emotion that's most hurtful the one that expresses your DNA's propagation prospects the most? This porn addiction, how much, if any, is it adding to this experience?
Taking care of my physicality seems to just make me suffer with more energy. Guess I'll take it, better than nothing. Stepping stone?
Yeah, it looks like money is going to become a problem, idk.
People are escaping horrible fates by getting drunk and making out with someone when they're like 15. Regarded?
Will resting in that extreme sadness help my immune system finally get over this shitfucked virus or whatever?
We adapt in both direction, the people who are 10x better off than you are also working at max capacity to hold their shit together (super depressing if true?).
