Long time lurker, finally posting

[complexpalm]

I lurked on this site as a guest for quite a few months, then recently felt the need to create an account and start contributing. This entire community is so overwhelmingly empathetic and supportive, it's a breath of fresh air.

I'm an AFAB enby approaching 30. Autism, clinical depression, chronic pain. I have a partner, an emotionally fulfilling job, and friends.
I always felt guilty for having CTB in the back of my head. Always. Until I found this community and realized I'm valid, and I can talk about it without someone calling me "crazy" "attention-seeking" or just outright dismissal. Could my life be worse? Of course, but that doesn't change the fact that when it feels like it sucks, it sucks.

Doctors haven't been able to help with my chronic pain, nor with SSRIs. My job is neat, but I make jack shit and have been in financially dire straits for almost a year. My partner is sweet, but terrible with finances and planning.
I'm just…tired. Have been for a long time. For every good aspect of my life there always seems to be two bad. Trying to keep things on an even keel becomes more and more of a struggle. If I'm not working, I'm trying to lose myself in books/videogames/podcasts. I don't know, I guess I'm sticking around to make sure my cats at least are cared for and loved. And when they go? Who knows.

I appreciate this community for giving me a place to just…vent. Judgment free.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Welcome. I'm sorry you're here.

I'm around your age and have autism, depression, and chronic pain In.some ways my life could be said to be worse than yours (unemployed) but you're right, that's not really relevant to you at all.

 

[complexpalm]

Welcome. I'm sorry you're here.

I'm around your age and have autism, depression, and chronic pain In.some ways my life could be said to be worse than yours (unemployed) but you're right, that's not really relevant to you at all.

Thank you.
I'm sorry you're dealing with similar issues as I am, and worse.
I'm just exhausted. Between the medical industrial complex, how hard it is to have some financial stability, the general state of the world, and my own brain…it sucks.

 

[carac]

If you have chronic pain and like podcasts I can recommend one to you called the cure for chronic with Nicole Sachs

 

[Moburin 29]

O hey, welcome!

Couldnt say better about constant tiredness. Each problem you need to deal with wears you down little by little. Some days I spend all my free time just trying to cope with stress and mental exhaustion.

So yeah, one more time welcome. Hope your cats got enough head rubs today :3

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum! I hope you enjoy your time here and it will be beneficial for you.

 

[Foreverix]

 

[Exact Change]

Welcome. I agree. There is a much kinder group of people here in general, than other places online.

 

[complexpalm]

If you have chronic pain and like podcasts I can recommend one to you called the cure for chronic with Nicole Sachs

Thank you! I will check it out.

O hey, welcome!

Couldnt say better about constant tiredness. Each problem you need to deal with wears you down little by little. Some days I spend all my free time just trying to cope with stress and mental exhaustion.

So yeah, one more time welcome. Hope your cats got enough head rubs today :3

Thank you! Yes, there are quite a few days where I just sleep and sleep.
I will give them an extra head rub for you.

 

[Moburin 29]

I will give them an extra head rub for you.

I don't know why, but this message makes me really happy

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable feeling so tired of suffering here but anyway best wishes.

 

[NotToBe]

Welcome! I'm also new here, nice to see other people in my situation.
I completely agree with you, this community is such a refreshing place to be in. Whenever I express a genuine and logical desire of death I'm normally just met with really emotional responses. I understand that ideally people wouldn't want you to die or whatever, but life really just fucking sucks. Sometimes it's that simple. It's absolutely valid to feel this way in my opinion. We deserve to have agency over our own lives. I'm glad that you feel safe enough to express yourself here