I walk the streets and woods at night for this reason. It's like I'm searching for an experience or a person. I have always done this since my teenage years. I used to think it was wanderlust, but I think perhaps it is just my loneliness.
I struggle to relate to anyone these days, or if I do, it is only in part. Every significant relationship I have ever had has felt incomplete. I have lowered my expectations and standards, loosened up to a point that I could at least have fun with my girlfriends or otherwise but it doesn't really matter because ultimately I'm here posting on this suicide forum at the age of 32 in the exact same spot I always was with the exact same loneliness.
I often feel I am cursed or tasked with something. I have an undying optimism for the rest of humanity. I spend a lot of my time counselling and I take great and sincere interest in the well-being of those struggling. This has always been the same. I used to sit for long hours on MSN during the infancy of the internet helping my friends through their recent drama. I don't do it for personal gain, but I would have thought that it would have at least landed me an experience that I could feel was pure and mine by now. It hasn't. It seems as if I just toil on with no end in sight and no purpose other than to bolster the souls I come in contact with.
I joke these days and say that I probably fell from the sky. Alien. Something else. I am nothing like my mother or my family. I share their morals and they are good people, but that's where the similarity ends. I have always been lost. I recall from an early age walking with my grandmother, bored to tears -- so I started talking to myself in my head. This is where I started to develop my mind, as a small child. I often wish I never started thinking critically because I would probably be happy with my existence. As it is though, I am not. I drag on, as if I am chained to the earth, as if I have some great weight that pulls me down.
Whatever my problem is, it doesn't really matter. In my recent diary entries I have identified that I just reduce my life to an equation now. In my 30s, I just do math. When I look at myself, I just see shadow all around me with no one to help. I am alone, like I always was. I have tried meetup, dating apps, talked to people when I was in education or work. Everything feels vacuous to me. I share my personality and insight. I feign interest in the common pursuit of men (some of it actually being sincere such as a love of competition). We banter, we joke, we hug, we cry together. All of it just doesn't ring as real to me. Nothing really feels like a sincere experience. I used to think that my wife was that opportunity at something. I used to think she was my kindred spirit or the broken pieces to make a whole. It wasn't the case.
No. Forever alone. Forever lost. I am truly a damned soul. I wish I believed in more rather than some ethereal notion of spirituality because then I might feel as if I have purpose. I just have my morals and justice that I can't drop no matter how much I want to. Just me. I am just me and just by myself, despite my best efforts. I converse and trade stories, but none of it really matters. I may as well be from another planet. I am floating in the cold and dark of space and I hate it. I hate it that I have to help other people. I loathe that despite all that I pour into every pursuit I have nothing and no one to show for it.
My recent jam is to walk along the coast. I spend my whole walk, all 3-4 hours of it, wishing that I had someone to talk with, someone to share the moment with. I advertise (literally), but nothing comes of it. I try my best, but it seems as if I am meant for other things. It's a strange thing, really. A frustrating thing. Difficult to articulate and even worse trying to communicate to someone else. Like I said, it seems like a curse or just a framework that I have to abide to. It's as if the frame is speaking another language, one that I don't understand but am none-the-less confined by. I try not to get bitter at other peoples happiness and togetherness but it is a hard road as I age.
I just feel so fucking alone, all the fucking time. Even this admission gives me nothing. It doesn't do anything for me. I'm still typing it though. Why? Fuck knows. I just seem to run on someone elses program all the god damn time.
