Hello, I'm brand new to this website. (22 y/o male)
I've been browsing methods to kick the bucket peacefully and I've determined my method. I know exactly how to do it (Argon Asphyxiation)and where I can get it.
I'm sitting here pondering if it should be done, really I just need some people to talk to and give me guidance..
Here's an in depth story of my life and the things that have happened until this point.
(BIRTH)
I was an unplanned pregnancy born to young 21 year old mother. My biological father left her behind when he found out. She was ill-prepared for a child, she got a job as a bartender and we lived in a trailer park directly next to where she worked.
Dirt poor and barely anything to our name
(Years 1-3)
My earliest lucid memories are when I was about 2-1/2 years old. Right off the bat something terrible happened. My mom was sleeping with a man that abused me when nightfall came. I've repressed these memories my whole life because I had literally no one to talk to and my mom never took responsibility for what happened. I recall this man throwing pebbles at me from my doorway to wake me up in the middle of the night, he would coax me into the living room where he would sit on the couch and wave me to come near him. As I approached him he would full force push me across the room. Me being a little child I had no clue what was happening and he would do this repeatedly. Sometimes he would put lay me onto the tile floor in the kitchen and into a corner with no pillow or blanket and turn the air down so it was freezing in the house. If I'd try to get up he would punch me and force me back down, some days when my mom was working he would just sit and stare at me menacingly. One time when it was day time for some reason I was with this man at his crack head friends trap house and I remember seeing them do drugs. I remember I was hungry and started to cry and he put a lit cigarette out on my leg and then slapped me when I cried even harder. He had no car so he made me walk back to the trailer with him when he was done hitting the pipe, I was literally like 3 years old so I couldn't keep up with him so when I'd slow down from exhaustion he would grab my hair and pull me with him. FINALLY after months of abuse my grandma came to my rescue after she noticed the bruises and that I was malnourished. As a little kid i didn't realize I was actually under custody of my grandmother and I remember life considerably got better for me, I was always thankful for her saving me. Shortly after I lived with my grandma my mom gave birth to my little sister. She straightened up and got rid of the abusive crackhead, She gained custody of me again.
(Years 6-13)
Fast forward to 3rd grade in school, we end up moving from my hometown to a small town in Kansas. We got a brendil boxer named Oscar he was my only friend.
Life was weird at this point for me.
My mom wanted to reconnect me with my biological father but he was in prison. I spoke to him over the phone and received letters from him and was hopeful I could see him.
My mom figured out why he was in prison and cut all connections completely. I was angry and cried and begged to see him but she told me he was a child molester. I didn't understand it being so young but I knew it was bad. I've never known his name and to this day she won't even tell me.
I hadn't learned proper human skills so I was and always have been an outcast in social settings. I had a bully in school that was always my rival in everything I did, I was the short chubby weird kid and I knew he had a troubled past but he was just a little ass.
I really didn't learn much in class I was always distracted and I didn't excel in sports.
I remember my first day of football practice I never had exercised so I literally crawled into the back of my moms van and was sore and miserable. I only ever did sports so my mom could have something to do to watch me. Around 7th grade my mom got with an overweight man that lived across the street with us. He was a major alcoholic and was a welder. She decided to move us in with him. My sister and I absolutely hated this, for some reason he all of a sudden made the decision for our family, when my friends came over to ask if I could play basketball or football he would say no. WHY?! I have no clue so I never retained any friends and was secluded to my room to play video games. I would indulge 8-12 hours a day of playing Nintendo and PlayStation. This to this day has been my only real escape from this world.
This overweight man's drinking would eventually lead him to losing his job and becoming verbally abusive to my mom.
She made a bad mistake of taking me and my sister away from this house with ALL OF OUR BELONGINGS STILL IN IT. All of our family pictures, my PlayStation and Nintendo, anything that was valuable she left behind.
It was truly a crushing moment for me..
After living with her friend for a couple of months she moved us back to my hometown to live with another friend of hers.
(Years 13-17)
It started out crappy once again, I had to sleep in the same bed and share the room with her friends son who was my age, we were always good friends. He had a sister that had terminal cancer and was deaf. She passed away that year we lived with them which was truly heartbreaking for all of us.
My mom met a man that was part of the friend group she was in, I remember waking up one morning and seeing them cuddled up on the living room couch. I despised her being as everything in the past had not worked out and she was at it again. I was skeptical but had no control so whatever I thought. Soon after my mom decided to move us into the only home she could afford. It was a home that was trashed due to the previous tenants throwing a rager party and destroying the inside.
I had a little flip phone and have a video of over 10 trash bags filled with garbage and used sexual products. It was miserable cleaning that place but it had to be done.
Finally i had my own room. It was me and my dog and a box TV with the local channels on it. I was extremely bored all the time, I didn't have friends at school because I had just moved there and was once again the outcast.
After a couple of months at this house the man my mom was with moved in with us. He was quiet but he fit in well. He became a quick male role model to me. He took me out to hunt, showed me how to shoot a gun and skin an animal, camping and such. So that was nice.
(High school)
My mom moved my sister and I with her boyfriend into a nice three bedroom home.
My sister and I were both really grateful to have our own rooms and the house was really nice compared to everywhere else we lived.
I made friends with a kid my age in the neighborhood and was at his house darn near every day. The only problem with this out is there were no pets allowed so my mom made the decision to give my dog Oscar over to one of her friends. I was absolutely devastated because he was my only friend for several years. Once again I had no control and it was her way or the highway.
In school I centered myself as a kid who couldn't be placed with a specific cliche of people. I was a three sport athlete, football, wrestling, and track I was pretty mediocre at all of them I just did them because the coaches liked me. So I knew all of the "cool" kids. And I would sit and hangout with the "nerdy gamer" kids and chat with them on occasion. Things were good and then sophomore year I met my first real girlfriend. Im still with her today.
I got a knee injury in track at the end of my sophomore year and essentially had to give up on sports because my body couldn't heal the physical abuse sports put on it.
This is a point where my life really started to show me that things would be hard on me.
Me and my mom never really had a solid relationship. I could never have an actual conversation with her, it was genuinely 100% whatever she said went. And if I had any opinions or second thoughts I would be chastised or physically hit. When I was 16 I worked at a Wendy's for a couple of months and hated it so I quit because I didn't need it.
She didn't like this and one day came into my room while I was playing my GameCube and started yelling "you need to go get some applications in and get a new job!" I said I would soon but I didn't feel like it today.
She didn't like that I didn't immediately jump up and do what she said she she rushed towards me and put her hands around my neck and started yelling at me. I said "fuck this I'm moving in with my grandma I can't take this anymore!" She said "I'll call the cops and tell them you're a runaway" and I said "do it! I'll tell them about the abuse and how you treat me and get social services involved" she thought I was bluffing and said. "Fine go live with her and see how that works, you'll be on your own!". I took my chances and moved in with my grandma that day. It was nice and peaceful there, I'd help her out with her chores and spend time with my girlfriend and got a new job as well right across the street at a Walmart. I had a moment where things were starting to get good. Well, I became bitter at life because of everything previous and wasn't making much money at all so with my job at Walmart I began to steal. First it was accidental and then I realized how easy it was. It was food and candy at first and then quickly became video games and electronics that weren't locked up. One day I was busted for accidentally not paying for some chicken at the deli and I confessed to my crimes thinking they knew more than they did. They didn't smh.
I was almost placed under arrest but the AP supervisor understood my situation and explained that if I brought everything back I would just be fired with no charges. I did exactly that and lost my job. Now I was in a bad situation, I hated school, had no money, had no ambitions. So I was verbally abusive to my girlfriend trying to get her to break up with me because I felt non worthy of love, I wanted to just run away. She loved me with all of her heart and tried knocking it into my head that I was worth it so I really put her through a lot of emotional trauma with my words. To much to explain really. I stayed with her and got lucky with a job that helped me change my outlook.
I worked as a mentally disabled caretaker.
(Years 17-22)
My motivation became greater towards helping people and doing things positively for myself, I started reading and listening to motivational speakers. I went to trade school for welding and got a couple jobs on the road. My mom got better and we developed a real relationship, she got engaged to my now stepdad the same man who taught me everything when I was younger. I got engaged to my fiancé the same girl I put through the ringer back in high school. We got a house together and had three dogs. I was tackling debt and working towards a future FINALLY.
Well, this is where things have rapidly spiraled down hill. Last month I became fully aware that I will always be cheap labor in the work force and that I absolutely hate working in the trade that I'm in. I don't take pride in my work and feel demotivated every day I spend away from home. I physically have to be away from my state to make more money which means it effect my relationship with my fiancé and I miss them so much I can't even focus on my job. So these past few weeks I just stopped going to work, waking up and letting the voice inside my head tell me it's not worth it anymore and to just give up. And I've been listening daily. I started gambling my savings playing poker at my local casino, some days I win a lot of money and some days I lose all of it. This entire week leading up to today I told myself if I didn't make my money back that I lost after selling everything valuable I had playing poker there was no hope to keep living because im always going to be a cog in the system and I get to see how evil the world is. I'll never be able to achieve a life of fun and luxury and I'll never be able to just relax and not have to be constantly working. I still work as a caretaker but it doesn't pay the bills like it did when I was younger and it have no intention of becoming a social worker. I'm just completely lost and hopeless to the life in front of me. Im in deep debt now and I have to claw my way back to where I was, I don't want to see my loved ones die, I don't want to die painfully from some random accident, I don't want to grow old with regrets and ETC. I figure my life has been nothing but bad luck so far if I can just end it painlessly then I can spare myself a life of pain and misery.
I could literally just take a bottle of argon and crack it open and flood the room with its gas and drift away without any pain or feelings of suffocation. I wonder if it's worth it?
If you made it to the end of this rampant venting post I applaud you. This is literally my life story in a nutshell, I've left ALOT out of it but these are some of the things that have led to this point. There's no clear cut answer anymore I just want the pain to end…
I've been browsing methods to kick the bucket peacefully and I've determined my method. I know exactly how to do it (Argon Asphyxiation)and where I can get it.
I'm sitting here pondering if it should be done, really I just need some people to talk to and give me guidance..
Here's an in depth story of my life and the things that have happened until this point.
(BIRTH)
I was an unplanned pregnancy born to young 21 year old mother. My biological father left her behind when he found out. She was ill-prepared for a child, she got a job as a bartender and we lived in a trailer park directly next to where she worked.
Dirt poor and barely anything to our name
(Years 1-3)
My earliest lucid memories are when I was about 2-1/2 years old. Right off the bat something terrible happened. My mom was sleeping with a man that abused me when nightfall came. I've repressed these memories my whole life because I had literally no one to talk to and my mom never took responsibility for what happened. I recall this man throwing pebbles at me from my doorway to wake me up in the middle of the night, he would coax me into the living room where he would sit on the couch and wave me to come near him. As I approached him he would full force push me across the room. Me being a little child I had no clue what was happening and he would do this repeatedly. Sometimes he would put lay me onto the tile floor in the kitchen and into a corner with no pillow or blanket and turn the air down so it was freezing in the house. If I'd try to get up he would punch me and force me back down, some days when my mom was working he would just sit and stare at me menacingly. One time when it was day time for some reason I was with this man at his crack head friends trap house and I remember seeing them do drugs. I remember I was hungry and started to cry and he put a lit cigarette out on my leg and then slapped me when I cried even harder. He had no car so he made me walk back to the trailer with him when he was done hitting the pipe, I was literally like 3 years old so I couldn't keep up with him so when I'd slow down from exhaustion he would grab my hair and pull me with him. FINALLY after months of abuse my grandma came to my rescue after she noticed the bruises and that I was malnourished. As a little kid i didn't realize I was actually under custody of my grandmother and I remember life considerably got better for me, I was always thankful for her saving me. Shortly after I lived with my grandma my mom gave birth to my little sister. She straightened up and got rid of the abusive crackhead, She gained custody of me again.
(Years 6-13)
Fast forward to 3rd grade in school, we end up moving from my hometown to a small town in Kansas. We got a brendil boxer named Oscar he was my only friend.
Life was weird at this point for me.
My mom wanted to reconnect me with my biological father but he was in prison. I spoke to him over the phone and received letters from him and was hopeful I could see him.
My mom figured out why he was in prison and cut all connections completely. I was angry and cried and begged to see him but she told me he was a child molester. I didn't understand it being so young but I knew it was bad. I've never known his name and to this day she won't even tell me.
I hadn't learned proper human skills so I was and always have been an outcast in social settings. I had a bully in school that was always my rival in everything I did, I was the short chubby weird kid and I knew he had a troubled past but he was just a little ass.
I really didn't learn much in class I was always distracted and I didn't excel in sports.
I remember my first day of football practice I never had exercised so I literally crawled into the back of my moms van and was sore and miserable. I only ever did sports so my mom could have something to do to watch me. Around 7th grade my mom got with an overweight man that lived across the street with us. He was a major alcoholic and was a welder. She decided to move us in with him. My sister and I absolutely hated this, for some reason he all of a sudden made the decision for our family, when my friends came over to ask if I could play basketball or football he would say no. WHY?! I have no clue so I never retained any friends and was secluded to my room to play video games. I would indulge 8-12 hours a day of playing Nintendo and PlayStation. This to this day has been my only real escape from this world.
This overweight man's drinking would eventually lead him to losing his job and becoming verbally abusive to my mom.
She made a bad mistake of taking me and my sister away from this house with ALL OF OUR BELONGINGS STILL IN IT. All of our family pictures, my PlayStation and Nintendo, anything that was valuable she left behind.
It was truly a crushing moment for me..
After living with her friend for a couple of months she moved us back to my hometown to live with another friend of hers.
(Years 13-17)
It started out crappy once again, I had to sleep in the same bed and share the room with her friends son who was my age, we were always good friends. He had a sister that had terminal cancer and was deaf. She passed away that year we lived with them which was truly heartbreaking for all of us.
My mom met a man that was part of the friend group she was in, I remember waking up one morning and seeing them cuddled up on the living room couch. I despised her being as everything in the past had not worked out and she was at it again. I was skeptical but had no control so whatever I thought. Soon after my mom decided to move us into the only home she could afford. It was a home that was trashed due to the previous tenants throwing a rager party and destroying the inside.
I had a little flip phone and have a video of over 10 trash bags filled with garbage and used sexual products. It was miserable cleaning that place but it had to be done.
Finally i had my own room. It was me and my dog and a box TV with the local channels on it. I was extremely bored all the time, I didn't have friends at school because I had just moved there and was once again the outcast.
After a couple of months at this house the man my mom was with moved in with us. He was quiet but he fit in well. He became a quick male role model to me. He took me out to hunt, showed me how to shoot a gun and skin an animal, camping and such. So that was nice.
(High school)
My mom moved my sister and I with her boyfriend into a nice three bedroom home.
My sister and I were both really grateful to have our own rooms and the house was really nice compared to everywhere else we lived.
I made friends with a kid my age in the neighborhood and was at his house darn near every day. The only problem with this out is there were no pets allowed so my mom made the decision to give my dog Oscar over to one of her friends. I was absolutely devastated because he was my only friend for several years. Once again I had no control and it was her way or the highway.
In school I centered myself as a kid who couldn't be placed with a specific cliche of people. I was a three sport athlete, football, wrestling, and track I was pretty mediocre at all of them I just did them because the coaches liked me. So I knew all of the "cool" kids. And I would sit and hangout with the "nerdy gamer" kids and chat with them on occasion. Things were good and then sophomore year I met my first real girlfriend. Im still with her today.
I got a knee injury in track at the end of my sophomore year and essentially had to give up on sports because my body couldn't heal the physical abuse sports put on it.
This is a point where my life really started to show me that things would be hard on me.
Me and my mom never really had a solid relationship. I could never have an actual conversation with her, it was genuinely 100% whatever she said went. And if I had any opinions or second thoughts I would be chastised or physically hit. When I was 16 I worked at a Wendy's for a couple of months and hated it so I quit because I didn't need it.
She didn't like this and one day came into my room while I was playing my GameCube and started yelling "you need to go get some applications in and get a new job!" I said I would soon but I didn't feel like it today.
She didn't like that I didn't immediately jump up and do what she said she she rushed towards me and put her hands around my neck and started yelling at me. I said "fuck this I'm moving in with my grandma I can't take this anymore!" She said "I'll call the cops and tell them you're a runaway" and I said "do it! I'll tell them about the abuse and how you treat me and get social services involved" she thought I was bluffing and said. "Fine go live with her and see how that works, you'll be on your own!". I took my chances and moved in with my grandma that day. It was nice and peaceful there, I'd help her out with her chores and spend time with my girlfriend and got a new job as well right across the street at a Walmart. I had a moment where things were starting to get good. Well, I became bitter at life because of everything previous and wasn't making much money at all so with my job at Walmart I began to steal. First it was accidental and then I realized how easy it was. It was food and candy at first and then quickly became video games and electronics that weren't locked up. One day I was busted for accidentally not paying for some chicken at the deli and I confessed to my crimes thinking they knew more than they did. They didn't smh.
I was almost placed under arrest but the AP supervisor understood my situation and explained that if I brought everything back I would just be fired with no charges. I did exactly that and lost my job. Now I was in a bad situation, I hated school, had no money, had no ambitions. So I was verbally abusive to my girlfriend trying to get her to break up with me because I felt non worthy of love, I wanted to just run away. She loved me with all of her heart and tried knocking it into my head that I was worth it so I really put her through a lot of emotional trauma with my words. To much to explain really. I stayed with her and got lucky with a job that helped me change my outlook.
I worked as a mentally disabled caretaker.
(Years 17-22)
My motivation became greater towards helping people and doing things positively for myself, I started reading and listening to motivational speakers. I went to trade school for welding and got a couple jobs on the road. My mom got better and we developed a real relationship, she got engaged to my now stepdad the same man who taught me everything when I was younger. I got engaged to my fiancé the same girl I put through the ringer back in high school. We got a house together and had three dogs. I was tackling debt and working towards a future FINALLY.
Well, this is where things have rapidly spiraled down hill. Last month I became fully aware that I will always be cheap labor in the work force and that I absolutely hate working in the trade that I'm in. I don't take pride in my work and feel demotivated every day I spend away from home. I physically have to be away from my state to make more money which means it effect my relationship with my fiancé and I miss them so much I can't even focus on my job. So these past few weeks I just stopped going to work, waking up and letting the voice inside my head tell me it's not worth it anymore and to just give up. And I've been listening daily. I started gambling my savings playing poker at my local casino, some days I win a lot of money and some days I lose all of it. This entire week leading up to today I told myself if I didn't make my money back that I lost after selling everything valuable I had playing poker there was no hope to keep living because im always going to be a cog in the system and I get to see how evil the world is. I'll never be able to achieve a life of fun and luxury and I'll never be able to just relax and not have to be constantly working. I still work as a caretaker but it doesn't pay the bills like it did when I was younger and it have no intention of becoming a social worker. I'm just completely lost and hopeless to the life in front of me. Im in deep debt now and I have to claw my way back to where I was, I don't want to see my loved ones die, I don't want to die painfully from some random accident, I don't want to grow old with regrets and ETC. I figure my life has been nothing but bad luck so far if I can just end it painlessly then I can spare myself a life of pain and misery.
I could literally just take a bottle of argon and crack it open and flood the room with its gas and drift away without any pain or feelings of suffocation. I wonder if it's worth it?
If you made it to the end of this rampant venting post I applaud you. This is literally my life story in a nutshell, I've left ALOT out of it but these are some of the things that have led to this point. There's no clear cut answer anymore I just want the pain to end…
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