Help lonely but dislike socializing?

[freecoffee]

It's not as though I hate talking, but that I just don't really seem to get any enjoyment out of any kind of active socialization, probably all part of my anhedonia, so it just seems like a bother. This becomes a problem since I always find myself wanting to feel the presence of another person, perhaps because I just want to feel like I could matter to someone or just to know that, in the off chance I have something to share, I have someone to hear me out, but really it just seems like an almost primal desire. I feel lonely the same way I'd feel hungry or thirsty, and it hurts.

This creates problems for me not in finding friends or even dating, but when it comes to keeping those people around. Each time I find someone interested in me for whatever reason, I'm forced to have to be someone worth keeping in their life since I figure not many people want to bother with someone unresponsive and therefore boring, so I'm forced to make an effort to be entertaining to the point where it becomes more of a bother than being alone, and I end up distancing myself from those people with no problem doing so.

So I've figured the solution would be to find someone that could be content with staying around me while I just... exist, but I've had no luck. There have been a large handful of people that I never really faked anything around, that initially seemed happy with me the way I am, but every single one of those relationships has ended with me being abandoned, for the lack of a better word, in some way: being ghosted, cheated on, left behind, etc., for normal people that can actually enjoy human interaction. All this makes me wonder: does what I'm looking for really exist, or is there something else someone like me should be doing?

 

[Zegers]

When i socialize i feel more lively but i get so little if any interest from people that it always ends up discouraging me and i go back to the first point. I want but i can't.

 

[MediaPoisened]

There are so many roadblocks and requirements to be part of the norm squad. Don't fuck up or outgroup yourself, so we all become chameleons.

 

[Nihilistic_Hero]

I mean friendships usually are a tough balance between maintaining contact and meeting up once in awhile. And you usually get what you put into it, unless the other party is not interested in maintaining that friendship. If you talk to people you will eventually find someone or group of people who will want to be friends with you. If you're introverted you might have to step outside your comfort zone a bit; this varies per person.
I recommend at least trying to going to meet ups for social events (best about something you're interested in), might take a few attempts to meet people, but its about increasing your social proximity with people.