lonely because of social anxiety

[AtLeastThere'sSalad]

I could fix a lot of my problems if I didn't have social anxiety. I'd be able to be honest with my therapist and family, hang out with my friends, actually fight for the things that are important to me, leave the house, stay in a public area for more than an hour without feeling nauseous, explore, travel. I've been isolating myself for years. I dropped out of high school because I had panic attacks all the time going to school or just submitting an assignment after I switched to online school a couple years ago. I have friends, but we don't talk much. I'm so fucking lonely and I can't change that because I'm terrified to talk to anyone, even over text. It pisses me off. Texting my best friend shouldn't be this hard. Going to therapy shouldn't be this hard. Going to the grocery store or hanging out at the mall shouldn't make me vomit.
It's not like it's new to me though. I've been in therapy since I was 13 because of it. It makes me feel lonely, but nothing helps. I dream of traveling the world, but I can't even leave my house. I know people care about me and I have reasons to live, but what's the point of living for people I can't talk to or a future where I'm still crippled by my anxiety? I can't ask for help. Posting here is all I can do now because when I write in a journal I can hear my future self laughing and feeling embarrassed for whatever I wrote.
The way to fix it would be to ask for help, but I can't. I'm scared and desperate. I don't know if I even want to live if it means dealing with the same stupid fears forever.

 

[Spiral]

I could fix a lot of my problems if I didn't have social anxiety. I'd be able to be honest with my therapist and family, hang out with my friends, actually fight for the things that are important to me, leave the house, stay in a public area for more than an hour without feeling nauseous, explore, travel. I've been isolating myself for years. I dropped out of high school because I had panic attacks all the time going to school or just submitting an assignment after I switched to online school a couple years ago. I have friends, but we don't talk much. I'm so fucking lonely and I can't change that because I'm terrified to talk to anyone, even over text. It pisses me off. Texting my best friend shouldn't be this hard. Going to therapy shouldn't be this hard. Going to the grocery store or hanging out at the mall shouldn't make me vomit.
It's not like it's new to me though. I've been in therapy since I was 13 because of it. It makes me feel lonely, but nothing helps. I dream of traveling the world, but I can't even leave my house. I know people care about me and I have reasons to live, but what's the point of living for people I can't talk to or a future where I'm still crippled by my anxiety? I can't ask for help. Posting here is all I can do now because when I write in a journal I can hear my future self laughing and feeling embarrassed for whatever I wrote.
The way to fix it would be to ask for help, but I can't. I'm scared and desperate. I don't know if I even want to live if it means dealing with the same stupid fears forever.

There is a help available for anxiety that you can do via email, you don't have to talk with people or use phone and the service is cheap, only £25 per month. Would you like to try it? I am having similar anxiety issues to you, like I can't talk to people or use phones or go outside, so I was thinking to try it.
It's called NoPanic. They do offer normal telephone services too but if you are feeling too anxious for the phone then email is a really nice option to have.
I attached the info pack so you can see if you like it
and here is link to their site, https://nopanic.org.uk you don't have to do the group chats or anything. Nothing is compulsory

Good luck xx

 

[salmon]

Social anxiety sucks. You're definitely not alone on that one. I don't really have miracle advice but the things that seemed to have helped me are practice practice practice (and if an interaction went wrong still reward myself because I was working on my skill-development). Also I subtly mimic the people around me who seem to be good at social interactions, that helps because I make less 'mistakes' and pick up behaviour and learn from them that way. Also, have you ever thought about joining theater or roleplaying therapy? I like theater because it doesn't make me feel as if I'm in therapy but I still can prepare interactions by learning the lines. However, roleplaying therapy might be less scary because you'd be doing it with a therapist and/or other people who are still learning. Good luck :)