Loneliness

[Flife]

They are right, loneliness kills. I desperately crave for connection, but, for some reason, I'm also afraid of it. I give my everything to people and yet they still leave.
I really want to die, but I'm not able to bring myself to do it. How do i get the courage to do it?

 

[Winter_Flower]

They are right, loneliness kills. I desperately crave for connection, but, for some reason, I'm also afraid of it. I give my everything to people and yet they still leave.
I really want to die, but I'm not able to bring myself to do it. How do i get the courage to do it?

I totally agree with this. Loneliness is one of my reasons for wanting to ctb too. I've lost most of my friends, my long term (15 years) partner and can't currently work due to my mental health x I hear you x

 

[metalchic_74]

They are right, loneliness kills. I desperately crave for connection, but, for some reason, I'm also afraid of it. I give my everything to people and yet they still leave.
I really want to die, but I'm not able to bring myself to do it. How do i get the courage to do it?

I feel ya. I've been agoraphobic for over a year totally isolated the loneliness is unbearable. I feel like a coward :(

 

[charlie_z]

They are right, loneliness kills. I desperately crave for connection, but, for some reason, I'm also afraid of it

I completely agree with you; loneliness is indeed a killer: it consumes your spirit, devours your energy, and leaves a dark residue that dampens your ability to be with others. Personally, I'd like to be accompanied when I finally CTB. Doesn't necessarily have to be someone I'm in a pact with, but just someone who'll hold me until I pass out.

I really want to die, but I'm not able to bring myself to do it. How do i get the courage to do it?

This has been my dilemma for months now. I have a set of rational arguments for ending my life that seem bullet-proof. But each time I come close to beginning to CTB, I'm overwhelmed with an emotional torment of fear and guilt. As for finding the courage, I wish I knew a good answer. I have friend who practices Buddhism. He's incorporating the lessons and knowledge he's gained from years of practice and using them to gain acceptance and determination for his final act. Maybe that's something worth looking into.

 

[noctiva]

I am in the same boat, I am so lonely, I cannot cope anymore. I've lost my partner, his children, his mom, in short, my whole family. In addition my best and only friend has told me that I'm too negative and she needs to protect herself and cannot be my friend anymore. I am all alone in my apartment, no one calls or messages to check on how I am. This forum is my only human contact, my only lifeline.
I think I need to work on myself a bit more to CtB. I desperately want to do it, now. But I still have a minute ounce of hope that I might be allowed back home. Once this hope has vanished, I think I can easily go. Dealing with death can help, as @charlie_z has recommended. I've been into Buddhism for a long time and meditation and contemplation allow me to prepare myself and accept my death as inevitable. To overcome my SI I've also decided to chose a peaceful method, as violent methods have a higher risk of triggering SI. To make it even easier, I will fill my SN in capsules, as I am already used to take 2 pills before going to bed. So on the day I CtB I just take a few more. I hope that will make it as easy on me as possible.
I wish you all the best, whatever you do, be gentle with yourself along the way.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I'm with all if you. Except the reason for my 14 years in seclusion in my home is a very psbiful nerve disease that nsks it impossible for me to have any kind of relationships with people. Over 14 years in confinement is like doing soitary confinement bforna crime you didn't commit. As people we want to form bonds in our lives. We want friends and family and to have someone to love that loves us back. But for some of us this it's just not possible.

 

[khw777]

I am in the same boat, I am so lonely, I cannot cope anymore. I've lost my partner, his children, his mom, in short, my whole family. In addition my best and only friend has told me that I'm too negative and she needs to protect herself and cannot be my friend anymore. I am all alone in my apartment, no one calls or messages to check on how I am. This forum is my only human contact, my only lifeline.
I think I need to work on myself a bit more to CtB. I desperately want to do it, now. But I still have a minute ounce of hope that I might be allowed back home. Once this hope has vanished, I think I can easily go. Dealing with death can help, as @charlie_z has recommended. I've been into Buddhism for a long time and meditation and contemplation allow me to prepare myself and accept my death as inevitable. To overcome my SI I've also decided to chose a peaceful method, as violent methods have a higher risk of triggering SI. To make it even easier, I will fill my SN in capsules, as I am already used to take 2 pills before going to bed. So on the day I CtB I just take a few more. I hope that will make it as easy on me as possible.
I wish you all the best, whatever you do, be gentle with yourself along the way.

I'm sorry for your loneliness. I feel your pain. I'm lonely also after separating from my wife after two years of marriage. I live in an duplex by myself and the only contact I have is with this forum. You're the only friends I have. I appreciate everyone here. I plan to use SN to ctb. I have not thought about using capsules. Are you going to acid reducers and follow a certain protocol. Good luck to you.

 

[noctiva]

I'm sorry for your loneliness. I feel your pain. I'm lonely also after separating from my wife after two years of marriage. I live in an duplex by myself and the only contact I have is with this forum. You're the only friends I have. I appreciate everyone here. I plan to use SN to ctb. I have not thought about using capsules. Are you going to acid reducers and follow a certain protocol. Good luck to you.

I'm sorry you can feel the same pain, I wish I could take it away from you. It is remarkable how 2 years can so completely change your life that you can never go back to the way you were before. I was lonely before, but I've never felt it as intensely as I do now, simply because I didn't know from experience what I was missing.
For taking the SN, I've decided to do a shorter meto regimen, I don't think I can wait for death for 48h, for me it will just make my SI worse. I have decided I'll take 10 mg meto at 11pm, then at 7 am with light breakfast (last food to be had, starting the fast after this), than at 3 pm 20 mg (or also 10, I'm still debating, I had a 20 mg meto dose without EPS, so I think I would be fine), and at 11 pm then the 30 mg stat dose, followed by SN at midnight before bed. I am not sure about the antacid, I don't have it. It has turned from an OTC medicine in September this year into prescription. Talk about bad timing, my life fell apart on the 7th of October. From what I understand it's fine without the antacid though, I'm more worried about having something to keep me calm and make me drowsy before the SN kicks in.
Take care of yourself, you are not alone even if you feel lonely.

 

[d.i.d]

Hi @Flife,
I think you point out the core in second sentence - "I desperately crave" and "I'm also afraid".
I do not know you so if you suffer from loneliness and are fine otherwise i beg you give it another chance before to cease to be.

 

[Dazedandconfused32]

I can very much relate to you in your loneliness. It really is actually physically painful to a degree. I hurt not only mentally but physically too. It makes me more sad to have lost most of my friends, family and fiancé of ten years. We all need people and a hug alone can do wonders for my mental health.

 

[blue]

this time of year when it gets dark so early make things feel so much worse for me :(

 

[MourningHeart]

For me, at least best time to CTB.

I know loneliness will hurt way much more at christmas time, new year etc. The dark, cold season is already there, im afraid of overwhelming panic and sorrow coming soon.

So im going before its too late. No need for more pain.

 

[mediocre]

I can relate but for me loneliness is even more unbearable when I realise that I have literally nobody and never have. Not a single friend. No partner.

a lot of people on here talk about their past relationships and how lonely they feel since they broke up with their ex and I always think they're so lucky! of course I don't know they're exact circumstances but I always think I wish I experienced a painful breakup just to feel what's it's like.

To have each day go by and not a single person tries to contact me, not even my siblings, is like a stab in the heart.

 

[morningdew]

I'm with all if you. Except the reason for my 14 years in seclusion in my home is a very psbiful nerve disease that nsks it impossible for me to have any kind of relationships with people. Over 14 years in confinement is like doing soitary confinement bforna crime you didn't commit. As people we want to form bonds in our lives. We want friends and family and to have someone to love that loves us back. But for some of us this it's just not possible.

I agree with the solitary confinement prison analogy. It's actually how I think of my life almost everyday. Watch all the documentaries on prison life. I found it interesting what those locked up for 23 hours a day had to say. Basically it just came down to mental survival.

I can relate but for me loneliness is even more unbearable when I realise that I have literally nobody and never have. Not a single friend. No partner.

a lot of people on here talk about their past relationships and how lonely they feel since they broke up with their ex and I always think they're so lucky! of course I don't know they're exact circumstances but I always think I wish I experienced a painful breakup just to feel what's it's like.

To have each day go by and not a single person tries to contact me, not even my siblings, is like a stab in the heart.

I thought I had a loving and supportive family. After four years of detecting health, it's clear no emotional support will be coming from them. Some days it makes me sad, other just mad at them but I tried to be indifferent as I have to survive for now and anger takes up too much mental energy.

 

[Dreamwithinadream]

I spend so much time bedbound so of course it gets lonely

 

[charlie_z]

I spend so much time bedbound so of course it gets lonely

Me too.

 

[Xaphous]

Spent all my 20s isolated, but feels lifelong since younger years were dreadful with bullying. Now almost 30, no friends and never had relationship im just totally lost. Getting even older is terrifying with no job and inability to know how to not be always constantly alone, nothing to say even if i did meet people. Need people but scared of them, no idea where to find them and because even then it leads to judgement and magnetic to narcissists as its been my whole life when just even minding my own business not trying to socialize with anyone. No way out of the trap.

 

[lovemelovemenot]

I can relate. For me, having love or true friendships and bonds with people is the only reason life is worth living. At least you would have people to distract you and go through the bullshit of life together with. I always get so envious when I see people with their loved ones, or having a good time with a group of friends. Even family. I know things might not be so perfect behind the scenes, but still.

I've been so alone all my life. The friendships or relationships I have had were always one-sided, or toxic. Narccisitic people are drawn to me cause there's not much to me. I'm always just happy someone wants to be around. Even if they're only in it for themselves. I guess i can't blame others for not sticking around. Just wish I had something to me that would make me worth-while.

As far as being comfortable with death, I think it's a personal journey everyone has to go on. Especially those who are planning to ctb. Everyone has to die though. It's life. For me, I've grown to the point of tiredness where I just don't care anymore. I don't care if it hurts, I don't care about the what-ifs, I don't care what people will think of me. My elder brother knows I am suicidial. He told me once, life is about doing what is best for yourself. I thought, well what if what I think is best, is ending it all? So if you think ctb is best for you, then take all precautions and think heavily. Familiarize yourself with death. It's inevitable. You can take it into your own hands, or fiddle with life awhile longer. Either way, I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

 

[Taki]

Definitely. It is corrosive and is the main reason I came to see that killing myself is inevitable and necessary. But more recently I decided to cut myself off from others completely except in the most superficial ways. I find the desire to talk to someone is the hardest to let go of, but on the other hand I've noticed that I'm turning into one of those people who's a burden to be around because I probably seem so negative. I can't stand being around people like that.

 

[Gettlinge]

I can relate. For me, having love or true friendships and bonds with people is the only reason life is worth living. At least you would have people to distract you and go through the bullshit of life together with. I always get so envious when I see people with their loved ones, or having a good time with a group of friends. Even family. I know things might not be so perfect behind the scenes, but still.

I've been so alone all my life. The friendships or relationships I have had were always one-sided, or toxic. Narccisitic people are drawn to me cause there's not much to me. I'm always just happy someone wants to be around. Even if they're only in it for themselves. I guess i can't blame others for not sticking around. Just wish I had something to me that would make me worth-while.

As far as being comfortable with death, I think it's a personal journey everyone has to go on. Especially those who are planning to ctb. Everyone has to die though. It's life. For me, I've grown to the point of tiredness where I just don't care anymore. I don't care if it hurts, I don't care about the what-ifs, I don't care what people will think of me. My elder brother knows I am suicidial. He told me once, life is about doing what is best for yourself. I thought, well what if what I think is best, is ending it all? So if you think ctb is best for you, then take all precautions and think heavily. Familiarize yourself with death. It's inevitable. You can take it into your own hands, or fiddle with life awhile longer. Either way, I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

I don't know what to say except that this resonated with me really hard. Someone just being around means a world to me. Once you know what it's like to have someone seemingly care about you there's no coming back. Once you learn that no matter what you do it all stays the same in the end loneliness becomes so much more visceral. Sorry it's just blabber.

 

[CaptainT]

This is the nail on the head for me. I used to be able to hide the loneliness by travelling, seeming positive to others, but since my breakdown and loss of the love of my life it's like I've taken off the mask and am looking at the real me in the mirror. "I'm a lonely soul" as Brad Delp said in his suicide note. I crave love and companionship but run from them both. Now I've isolated myself and spend most of the day in bed the loneliness is louder than ever.

 

[Midnight]

I'm in the same boat. It's been the bane of my existence. I relate to your pain. Wish you well.

 

[Jen0804]

*raises my hand*
I feel your pain
I am alone too - four out of five of my closest friends ctb. My remaining friend ghosted me for ten months this year and has no idea I'm about to ctb too. My partner is sick of me and asked for a break from me (my fiancé) and my family are abusive. My CPN is also backing off probably in fear of legal repercussions k owing I'm high suicide risk. Isn't life great?
I had two pets but had o give those up too as landlord doesn't allow pets after me neeiDing to leave my home due to domestic violence
And my neighbour sucks.

I give up now. All morning I've been thinking how I must be a problem. Even my fiancé is sick of me now. I hate myaelf


Sorry for the venting OP but basically I feel your pain. Others here do too. At least we have each orher

Hugs

This is the nail on the head for me. I used to be able to hide the loneliness by travelling, seeming positive to others, but since my breakdown and loss of the love of my life it's like I've taken off the mask and am looking at the real me in the mirror. "I'm a lonely soul" as Brad Delp said in his suicide note. I crave love and companionship but run from them both. Now I've isolated myself and spend most of the day in bed the loneliness is louder than ever.

Same here pal

*hugs*

I'm in the same boat. It's been the bane of my existence. I relate to your pain. Wish you well.

*massive hugs*

 

[CrushedHopes]

Truth be told, I've always been lonely. I have been for the last 8 years. That's why both of my relationships never went very far, because I was obsessive and always wanted attention. However, when I was still in the VA community, I was less lonely, and felt joy when I had my VA friends. Now, I don't have them anymore. With death in sight, I shall die in loneliness.

What a pathetic life I've led. /sigh

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

I'm 45 and I can say things definitely have not gotten better for me as I've aged.

The loneliness in youth, being isolated in youth, has perpetuated throughout my life.

And it's devastating, because as I age, I realize it's an absolute necessity for me to be integrated into a social support system (ie, "community"), but I do not have the skills or resources to accomplish this.

 

[CrushedHopes]

And it's devastating, because as I age, I realize it's an absolute necessity for me to be integrated into a social support system (ie, "community"), but I do not have the skills or resources to accomplish this.

Humans are social animals, and even introverts (like myself) need some sort of social interaction. That's how I've been able to survive for so many years, relying mostly on online interactions. Unfortunately, I don't even have that anymore, outside of SS. What a shame. I had not intended on dying alone, but I guess this is what I get for being a huge POS.

 

[noctiva]

I'm 45 and I can say things definitely have not gotten better for me as I've aged.

The loneliness in youth, being isolated in youth, has perpetuated throughout my life.

And it's devastating, because as I age, I realize it's an absolute necessity for me to be integrated into a social support system (ie, "community"), but I do not have the skills or resources to accomplish this.

I hear you, I'm 33 and all alone. I have never had that social circle, not even as a kid, I always had a few special people around me But the number of people has steadily been decreasing. Now I am at the point where I have no one, no friends, no family, no blood family. My biggest CtB fear is that actually no one will find me for a prolonged period of time. My body will just be in my apartment until either a neighbor smells me or the bank is desperately looking for money. Seeing as I live in a cold country heading into winter and seeing as I'm kinda poor, my guess is that it'll be the bank.
It is a very somber thought.
But I never had the skills to build a support system, plus depression has always kept me from having enough energy to do as school/ uni/ job wanted and on top of that go out and socialize with friends.

I'm sorry that you feel the loneliness as well. I love being here in the forum, it's the only social contact I have by now, but it doesn't make up for the need to hear human voices and feel human touch/ warmth. Be gentle with yourself and take care. <3

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It took me 44 years to figure out how to manage loneliness. And then I got ill and everyone abandoned me. All that work for nothing!

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

I'm sorry that you feel the loneliness as well. I love being here in the forum, it's the only social contact I have by now, but it doesn't make up for the need to hear human voices and feel human touch/ warmth. Be gentle with yourself and take care. <3

Thank you, I appreciate your kindness.

I'm 33 and all alone. I have never had that social circle, not even as a kid, I always had a few special people around me But the number of people has steadily been decreasing. Now I am at the point where I have no one, no friends, no family, no blood family. My biggest CtB fear is that actually no one will find me for a prolonged period of time. My body will just be in my apartment until either a neighbor smells me or the bank is desperately looking for money. Seeing as I live in a cold country heading into winter and seeing as I'm kinda poor, my guess is that it'll be the bank.
It is a very somber thought.
But I never had the skills to build a support system, plus depression has always kept me from having enough energy to do as school/ uni/ job wanted and on top of that go out and socialize with friends.

It really is devastating. I relate to this strongly. My situation is quite similar.

 

[azucaramargo]

It took me 44 years to figure out how to manage loneliness. And then I got ill and everyone abandoned me. All that work for nothing!

Underscore? Are you ill? I'm sorry.