Venting Loneliness is slowly killing me from the inside

[graysme]

When I was a kid I was always made fun of and marginalized because I was weird and didn't fit in with my peers. I have had a stable friend group for 4 years now, but it still feels... superficial? I feel no true connection with anyone around me and it's been slowly killing me. In almost every social interaction in real life, I feel like people put up fake smiles and fake being interested in someone just to entertain themselves or get favors. It makes me so depressed, yet I actively take part in this circus just so that I don't get cut out or marginalized like when I as a kid. It kind of makes me hate myself as well for not trying hard enough to get more. I often question myself: am I just supposed to be this lonely and insufferable? Maybe I'm way too boring? Maybe something's wrong with me? I don't know.

I miss that geniune human connection at a deep level. I'm afraid I'll never find it, and the thought of it terrifies me. It's one of the main reason that makes me think about CTB.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry about that~ :( You're lucky to actually have friends and be in a real friend group tho~ hehe~ :) being able to get some level of joy from hanging out with others sometimes is wayyy better than lacking it completely! I'm sorry that it feels like you're all pretending tho~ >_< it certainly feels like irl forces us to do that lots! :( I hope you find someone you can be your true self around, and you can both truly enjoy each other with absolutely no faking~ :)

 

[Surai]

I often pretend or imagine what it would be like in a perfect world where reality was what I wanted. where I had that group, or the friend who was a perfect match for me