Venting Loneliness & CTB

[NodusTollens]

No one talks about how lonely it is. The people who say CTB is easy.

I've spent the last few days truly thinking about what I want out of life & it always comes back to... I don't want it- this life. I can't be myself openly, can't breathe without expectations. Backed into a corner, as life crashes around me- everyday feel like I'm drowning. Slowly running out of energy, I can feel myself slip below the surface.

I still don't know why I insisted on stumbling through my days for so long. This is the most I've allowed myself to cry in a long time... I feel so alone with my thoughts.

 

[Intotheflames]

Thank you for making this thread so that I don't have to.

I also spent the last week battling with my thoughts. I was trying to find if there's something good worth dragging on, yet like you, no matter how I spun it, I just wanted a completely fresh start.

I also used up all my energy to stop my thoughts become ugly as I had so much hatred within me towards my mom. Apart from the usual mania, she also once again addressed me with the wrong gender, and did it in a degrading way. In my mind I had to literally pull back my violent thoughts the way one held back wild horses. I hated that my thoughts turned this ugly, and hated the reflection on the mirror, partly because of how distorted I was due to hatred, partly because of being triggered by what she said. I was this close to crack the mirror with my head and just cut it and end it right there.

I want to go peacefully, at my own time, yet the frustrations and angers caused by her in me just keep shouting at me go go go. It is like even my ctb is dictated by her.

 

[signifying nothing]

I hear you.

 

[WornOutLife]

... I feel so alone with my thoughts.

Me too, pal.
This is the only place in which I can vent about my real thoughts and feelings and people actually listen.

Hope you can feel better soon!

 

[NodusTollens]

Thank you for making this thread so that I don't have to.

I also spent the last week battling with my thoughts. I was trying to find if there's something good worth dragging on, yet like you, no matter how I spun it, I just wanted a completely fresh start.

I also used up all my energy to stop my thoughts become ugly as I had so much hatred within me towards my mom. Apart from the usual mania, she also once again addressed me with the wrong gender, and did it in a degrading way. In my mind I had to literally pull back my violent thoughts the way one held back wild horses. I hated that my thoughts turned this ugly, and hated the reflection on the mirror, partly because of how distorted I was due to hatred, partly because of being triggered by what she said. I was this close to crack the mirror with my head and just cut it and end it right there.

I want to go peacefully, at my own time, yet the frustrations and angers caused by her in me just keep shouting at me go go go. It is like even my ctb is dictated by her.

It's unfortunate how much power our parents can hold over us, no matter our age. Sorry your mother makes you feel like this, I can certainly relate. How are you able to process your anger? When I get angry, if left unchecked, I seethe internally until I find an outlet (usually myself).

How did you feel after reflecting? I feel hollow, not quite emotionless but tired of crying. I want to CTB with every fibre of my being, but the fear of actually doing it, it's eating at me.

Me too, pal.
This is the only place in which I can vent about my real thoughts and feelings and people actually listen.

Hope you can feel better soon!

All I want is to feel better, but I'll settle for my freedom.

You're right though, SS has been the only place I can openly express myself- to not feel so alone.

Thanks for reaching out

 

[Intotheflames]

It's unfortunate how much power our parents can hold over us, no matter our age. Sorry your mother makes you feel like this, I can certainly relate. How are you able to process your anger? When I get angry, if left unchecked, I seethe internally until I find an outlet (usually myself).

How did you feel after reflecting? I feel hollow, not quite emotionless but tired of crying. I want to CTB with every fibre of my being, but the fear of actually doing it, it's eating at me.



All I want is to feel better, but I'll settle for my freedom.

You're right though, SS has been the only place I can openly express myself- to not feel so alone.

Thanks for reaching out

Self aggression mostly, sometimes very dark imagination.

I haven't cried in ages. As soon as I felt like it I hit myself to stop it. Since a kid I am not comfortable crying, I always feel weak and ashamed about it.

At first felt like shit really, hated myself even more. Tired sure but also lost, something in me gone everytime. If I am honest, I think I drag on because of si too. I wonder often how I am not broken enough to just let it all go for real.

 

[NodusTollens]

Self aggression mostly, sometimes very dark imagination.

I haven't cried in ages. As soon as I felt like it I hit myself to stop it. Since a kid I am not comfortable crying, I always feel weak and ashamed about it.

At first felt like shit really, hated myself even more. Tired sure but also lost, something in me gone everytime. If I am honest, I think I drag on because of si too. I wonder often how I am not broken enough to just let it all go for real.

I agree, crying isn't something I've allowed myself to do either, for the same reasons. I'm a sensitive person, & crying leaves me feeling vulnerable. I often wonder how other people are able to so easily navigate their emotions.

I can definitely appreciate the sentiment of needing to feel broken enough to CTB. I hate myself- always have, despite random glimmers of "hope." I was wondering- if you don't mind talking about it, when you were reflecting, what were you considering? After reflecting I came to the conclusion, that if I just keep waiting to feel broken enough, that I'll continue to be swept away in this endless cycle of pain.

 

[Intotheflames]

Hoe

I agree, crying isn't something I've allowed myself to do either, for the same reasons. I'm a sensitive person, & crying leaves me feeling vulnerable. I often wonder how other people are able to so easily navigate their emotions.

I can definitely appreciate the sentiment of needing to feel broken enough to CTB. I hate myself- always have, despite random glimmers of "hope." I was wondering- if you don't mind talking about it, when you were reflecting, what were you considering? After reflecting I came to the conclusion, that if I just keep waiting to feel broken enough, that I'll continue to be swept away in this endless cycle of pain.

Honestly, I never reached any solid conclusion. To me it seems like if I conclude something, then something has to follow, e.g. doing something or not doing something, be constant in one way or another etc. For now I have two minds in me, the most I could get is a majority, never unity. To me it's an ouroboros, I am in endless cycle of pain because I am two minds, and my two minds keep feeding the cycle of pain.

Have you figured out a way to not be swept away?

 

[NodusTollens]

Honestly, I never reached any solid conclusion. To me it seems like if I conclude something, then something has to follow, e.g. doing something or not doing something, be constant in one way or another etc. For now I have two minds in me, the most I could get is a majority, never unity. To me it's an ouroboros, I am in endless cycle of pain because I am two minds, and my two minds keep feeding the cycle of pain.

Have you figured out a way to not be swept away?

I respect that. The cycle of pain is an agonizing constant in life. & though you haven't made a decision yet, it's clear you've spent time thinking about what you can accept/what you can handle.

For some, finding even one thing can be enough to keep them playing the game. —shrugs—I don't know how not to get swept away, though I found supporting others helped me feel less alone (worked with the homeless). Everything else has felt like a placeholder- wish I had better advice than that.

Good luck out there.