ayanonikki
Member
- Apr 7, 2019
- 33
hello everyone. recently i have been thinking a lot about the sincerity of my suicide intentions, or at least the motive behind them. for the past year or so, i have pretty much been socially isolated. of course social isolation lea ds you from one thing to another... by that i mean you think about something 'strange' and then you think about it more and more, and since you only live within your own head it seems to become normal for you.
ever since i have consciously become aware of my social isolation i find my morals becoming blurred, since my lack of interaction with others doesn't seem to reinforce them. i've had some strange thoughts that i've actually seriously contemplated. enough said, i'd rather keep those thoughts to myself since i'm ashamed of them. but i've never acted on them and i find some of them ridiculous that i even thought of them, despite them making sense to me at one point.
so what i'm trying to say is, i wonder if my suicidal intentions are just another one of these ridiculous thoughts which are a result of my reclusiveness. i have pushed all my friends away, all of them, including my best friend of 5 years. i had a boyfriend last year, i don't miss him but the comfort of the concept of a boyfriend in itself. i felt comfortable with who i was and i miss a boy taking care of me. it's like an empty void inside of me. it's the one thing i consider what might happen if i don't choose to die, that i'll find somebody at some point in my life who i truly feel a connection with, who can help me through bad times and help me find myself again.
also, just looking at other people's posts on here makes me consider just how many people actually deserve to live, people who have reasons to live. it's almost inspiring. it makes me wonder if in the future i will have a purpose in life too that i would have missed out on if i commit suicide.
i'm in such a deep and dark hole now (which i've dug myself into with no friends with a reaching hand to help me out) and it just seems there's no direction to turn to. i wish i had someone to guide me but i'm so alone. i only have myself and i'm not so reliable if i can only see suicide as an option.
do any of you ever doubt just how much you really want to commit suicide? maybe you wonder if these thoughts are only temporary? or that if you weren't so alone maybe you would have someone in your life who could be your reason to keep on living?
ever since i have consciously become aware of my social isolation i find my morals becoming blurred, since my lack of interaction with others doesn't seem to reinforce them. i've had some strange thoughts that i've actually seriously contemplated. enough said, i'd rather keep those thoughts to myself since i'm ashamed of them. but i've never acted on them and i find some of them ridiculous that i even thought of them, despite them making sense to me at one point.
so what i'm trying to say is, i wonder if my suicidal intentions are just another one of these ridiculous thoughts which are a result of my reclusiveness. i have pushed all my friends away, all of them, including my best friend of 5 years. i had a boyfriend last year, i don't miss him but the comfort of the concept of a boyfriend in itself. i felt comfortable with who i was and i miss a boy taking care of me. it's like an empty void inside of me. it's the one thing i consider what might happen if i don't choose to die, that i'll find somebody at some point in my life who i truly feel a connection with, who can help me through bad times and help me find myself again.
also, just looking at other people's posts on here makes me consider just how many people actually deserve to live, people who have reasons to live. it's almost inspiring. it makes me wonder if in the future i will have a purpose in life too that i would have missed out on if i commit suicide.
i'm in such a deep and dark hole now (which i've dug myself into with no friends with a reaching hand to help me out) and it just seems there's no direction to turn to. i wish i had someone to guide me but i'm so alone. i only have myself and i'm not so reliable if i can only see suicide as an option.
do any of you ever doubt just how much you really want to commit suicide? maybe you wonder if these thoughts are only temporary? or that if you weren't so alone maybe you would have someone in your life who could be your reason to keep on living?
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