deathwish
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- Jun 16, 2018
- 80
29 years old, serious ideations since 13 not due to any trauma or illness but only we'll say broadly 'displeasure' with the world and feeling unsuited myself to life in a thorough and myriad of ways. For the past 1.5 years, I've known to be feeling quite up to the edge; this is a knowledge gained from calm observation and rationale and not only a feeling; my point being that it's really real right now which brings us to the pressing issue of logistics.
What to do with possessions; cat; body; notes; etc. I am in a situation where I can and feel I should and so must insist that I manage these affairs well, both for myself and others. Doesn't mean it's easy. Yesterday I worked on my final effort at working to make money and today I'm planning again how to quit and end it all, that was the last try. This last effort involved building a PC which I'd never done before and I'm thinking I ought to sell it but then I woke up to a text from my dearest friend saying her PC just died. To offer to give mine to her could very much be like a cement block on the foundation of my death sorry for such a lameass analogy. Especially as if she accepts, when I would drive up to give it over, I'd also bring a box of other things I'd always intended on leaving with her-- collectibles from a hobby we both share. Which means I need to start packing those now; packing everything now; it's over.
I've always been materialistic. Never been the type of suicidal who could easily let go of things I love. Nobody start with me that I can live for them because it's not been the case and certainly I've tried. Toting around precious, fragile treasures; protecting them; dreaming of someday having a home where I can display them; never, never, have I managed it. I'm not going to get a home where I can live. ("Where are you now then with that PC of yours?" In someone else's home.)
Aside from the emotional toll of packing everything up to be given away; donated; sold; there's also the big endeavor of cleaning the space I used in this house (Not that am particularly dirty, just that that's what you do when you move out.) and of moving furniture. I altered like every part of the room I use to work in; big pieces of furniture need tearing down and moving in/out (Huge, L-shaped glass desk; three tall bookshelves; heavy file cabinet; loveseat; dresser.) Could probably do it myself but the person with whom I live will probably want to help and again, emotional toll, of lying to them that I'm going to go live somewhere else when really I'm going to go die. Side note, the person I live with is my mother.
Got to respond to my friend's text. It's a gift. A little push. She might not want it, she may want to build her own PC. If anyone reads this, reiteration that it's not like I want to live and am feeling pressured to die, it's just that ol' inertia and the reality that what I want most (Death.) is here and no matter how right I know it is, of course it's scary. Settled a while ago that it always would be to the very end. Logistics, living, is worse. Thanks sasu for existing so we have a place to share these feelings
edit:
Friend will accept my PC. <333 She wants to wait for me to be sure, so we'll give it like two days before it's promised (Though she also says she can essentially foster it if I ever want it back lol, a very good friend.)
Have always thought it cool and probably helpful when people reply to their own threads with their updated feelings so ye Ima try that too! Though it won't le me reply, only edit.. alright.
So, to add more, my last effort was livestreaming games lmaoooo. I know. Streamed yesterday, supposed to do one today but won't.. Will perhaps say in the discord am quitting today or tomorrow
What to do with possessions; cat; body; notes; etc. I am in a situation where I can and feel I should and so must insist that I manage these affairs well, both for myself and others. Doesn't mean it's easy. Yesterday I worked on my final effort at working to make money and today I'm planning again how to quit and end it all, that was the last try. This last effort involved building a PC which I'd never done before and I'm thinking I ought to sell it but then I woke up to a text from my dearest friend saying her PC just died. To offer to give mine to her could very much be like a cement block on the foundation of my death sorry for such a lameass analogy. Especially as if she accepts, when I would drive up to give it over, I'd also bring a box of other things I'd always intended on leaving with her-- collectibles from a hobby we both share. Which means I need to start packing those now; packing everything now; it's over.
I've always been materialistic. Never been the type of suicidal who could easily let go of things I love. Nobody start with me that I can live for them because it's not been the case and certainly I've tried. Toting around precious, fragile treasures; protecting them; dreaming of someday having a home where I can display them; never, never, have I managed it. I'm not going to get a home where I can live. ("Where are you now then with that PC of yours?" In someone else's home.)
Aside from the emotional toll of packing everything up to be given away; donated; sold; there's also the big endeavor of cleaning the space I used in this house (Not that am particularly dirty, just that that's what you do when you move out.) and of moving furniture. I altered like every part of the room I use to work in; big pieces of furniture need tearing down and moving in/out (Huge, L-shaped glass desk; three tall bookshelves; heavy file cabinet; loveseat; dresser.) Could probably do it myself but the person with whom I live will probably want to help and again, emotional toll, of lying to them that I'm going to go live somewhere else when really I'm going to go die. Side note, the person I live with is my mother.
Got to respond to my friend's text. It's a gift. A little push. She might not want it, she may want to build her own PC. If anyone reads this, reiteration that it's not like I want to live and am feeling pressured to die, it's just that ol' inertia and the reality that what I want most (Death.) is here and no matter how right I know it is, of course it's scary. Settled a while ago that it always would be to the very end. Logistics, living, is worse. Thanks sasu for existing so we have a place to share these feelings
edit:
Friend will accept my PC. <333 She wants to wait for me to be sure, so we'll give it like two days before it's promised (Though she also says she can essentially foster it if I ever want it back lol, a very good friend.)
Have always thought it cool and probably helpful when people reply to their own threads with their updated feelings so ye Ima try that too! Though it won't le me reply, only edit.. alright.
So, to add more, my last effort was livestreaming games lmaoooo. I know. Streamed yesterday, supposed to do one today but won't.. Will perhaps say in the discord am quitting today or tomorrow
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