Venting locked in boyfriends bedroom.

[raindrops]

I'm currently sat in my boyfriends bedroom (in his grandparents house) ...about 15 minutes ago his father came to visit him.
I have to stay in this bedroom while they all talk & have a cup of coffee, I'm not allowed to join in. Not because of the virus, because right now he doesn't want to speak to me.
I'm heart broken, I just want his dad to like me. I want to be involved, I wish we could of walked downstairs together and said hi, had coffee, spoke.
I can hear them laughing while I'm sat here, shunned, ignored.
Disliked because me & his son did have some rough patches, so that's the reason he refuses to acknowledge me, because of the "rough patches"

what should I do? bare in mind I have technically been with my partner 12 years this year.

 

[WornOutLife]

I think the only thing you can do is hang in there.
Hard feelings sooner or later fade out so his father should at least "tolerate you" sooner or later.

I know you wish you could be with them having coffee and talking casually but, who cares if you don't?
You should only be surrounded with people who like you instead of wanting to be with those who don't wanna see you.

For instance, I hated my ex's mother so I never saw her.

Anyway, 12 years is a long time so you will probably find out what to do.

Wish you the best,

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Isadeth]

I wouldn't allow your boyfriend to be okay with how you're being treated and shunned to a bedroom. Either you're together and the family accepts it, especially given the time you two have been together or they don't accept it and don't visit.

I'm sorry you're enduring that. It's unfair to you.

 

[raindrops]

I wouldn't allow your boyfriend to be okay with how you're being treated and shunned to a bedroom. Either you're together and the family accepts it, especially given the time you two have been together or they don't accept it and don't visit.

I'm sorry you're enduring that. It's unfair to you.

Right, I'm not okay with it, there's nothing I can say, if I try say something I'm usually told "I don't know why he's like that, it will work out"

I think the only thing you can do is hang in there.
Hard feelings sooner or later fade out so his father should at least "tolerate you" sooner or later.

I know you wish you could be with them having coffee and talking casually but, who cares if you don't?
You should only be surrounded with people who like you instead of wanting to be with those who don't wanna see you.

For instance, I hated my ex's mother so I never saw her.

Anyway, 12 years is a long time so you will probably find out what to do.

Wish you the best,

Hugs,

Matt

Its so hard, as a child I was shunned quite a bit. My stepfather would blame stuff on me, I mean I had a great childhood but I was treated like the black sheep.

I remember when I was younger my stepfather was taking my sisters swimming, I asked to go, I wanted to swim! He said "no, here's £10, go do something with your friends" my mum was so mad that day. He always found a way to annoy my mother.

Then when my mother died, I asked him "can I be in your family, I only have my sisters and Nan now" he told me, "no, you know that will never happen" that was 1 week after my mother died.
So this feels awful, like I've only ever been put to one side with anyone.

Uhhh. I hate feeling sorry for myself but seriously right now I'm so confused why someone would do this. Especially my partner why he wouldn't just say, "let's go say hi" really confused by that. It's like I've committed a murder.

it's crazy to hear them talk and I'm not allowed to go join in im actually feeling so very sorry for myself, I'm no attention seeker either, I'm just amazed by it.
I could never be that cruel.
But it's whatever.
His grandmother just come in to the room.
she knocked the door and said "are you okay? I didn't know you were here"
(She can't believe it either)
I got all awkward, like I could feel myself wanting to cry but I'm nearly fucking 30 so I have to try act normal, I said "yeah I'm fine, just on my phone" she asked do I want a drink, I feel so awkward I said "uhh no I have one" this coffee is 2 hours old.
Fml. She did say I can go down and get what I want.
I made her laugh and said no I'm just hibernating.
The thing is, she may have invited me downstairs, but I haven't seen his father in over a year! How do I just walk down stairs casually. It's been over a year!!! I still hear them talking. Maybe I should go down. Maybe I'm over thinking it.

 

[Isadeth]

I wish I could hug you. That's so cruel of your step father to do. My step mother would be the same way if my father died.

How long has his father been treating you this way? I'm glad the grandmother reached out and extended an invitation. Even if you declined, it's still nice to know that you were offered. If you want to go downstairs, at least you can have coffee :)

 

[raindrops]

I wish I could hug you. That's so cruel of your step father to do. My step mother would be the same way if my father died.

How long has his father been treating you this way? I'm glad the grandmother reached out and extended an invitation. Even if you declined, it's still nice to know that you were offered. If you want to go downstairs, at least you can have coffee :)

Thank you I would love that hug. Sending you hugs
Well, some people have no empathy, careless, self centred, yet I have been all of those things at some point in my life.

it would be a year March 7th understandably because that's when me and my partner had a hard time, so ofc you would stick up for your own family especially son but I'm here now though, the past is dead, so why not make me feel welcome. I know his grandmother did, I know, but I want my partner to, I'd want to walk downstairs together.
In all honesty I'd feel like a woodworm crawling out of the woodwork, literally if I walked down there now.
Oh I want to so badly though :( I want to say hi. For my partners sake too, surely it's a proven fact that if things are okay with the in-laws things are somewhat okay with your partner, if you get what I mean.
GoodPersonEffed
if they were here, they would give me some advice, I miss this person for the best advice ever!! I can almost hear what they would say now. I miss those wise words man....
I've also been crying a lot recently to my partner. He's been distant because of my whining. I feel the worlds against me nearly every day, I feel I won't have certain things like children or marriage, I fear loneliness.
Actually yesterday I cried, he walked past me and said "pathetic" I know I am, but man you don't expect the so called love of your life to call you pathetic when crying.
he also said I'm not normal because of the crying episodes.

when he comes back into the room, I mustn't cry. I mustn't ask why he didn't come get me to say hi to his father.
I must act normal.

 

[Isadeth]

Do you think you could go downstairs and show them you are apart of the family? I can definitely understand a parent standing up for their children. But I think going downstairs and maybe taking what dishes you have and putting them in the sink if you need an opening line or reason to go then sliding into the conversation and sitting down with everyone would be nice. You already know the grandmother wants you there. Your boyfriend is probably just trying to not upset his dad, but he wants you there. And a year for the dad to still be this way could just need an icebreaker to start healing. But it's ultimately you're choice. I hope it works out for you. It's awful feeling excluded and even worse when you're conflicted to stay secluded or join in. ♡

 

[raindrops]

Do you think you could go downstairs and show them you are apart of the family? I can definitely understand a parent standing up for their children. But I think going downstairs and maybe taking what dishes you have and putting them in the sink if you need an opening line or reason to go then sliding into the conversation and sitting down with everyone would be nice. You already know the grandmother wants you there. Your boyfriend is probably just trying to not upset his dad, but he wants you there. And a year for life dad to still be this way could just need an icebreaker to start healing. But it's ultimately you're choice. I hope it works out for you. It's awful feeling excluded and even worse when you're conflicted to stay secluded or join in. ♡

He just left. That would of been the perfect thing to do! I should of done that. Fs, I'm an idiot.
I want to cry about it, but I've been crying to my partner for the last 3 days and I know he is fed up with my crying depressive episodes. What should I say when he comes back up stairs?
how should I act, aaah. I want to cry and say why didn't you come get me, but then I'm screaming to myself why didn't I go down, why didn't I do what you stated.
Not only that we were going out for a walk then his dad turned up here. So he could of got me and went for that walk. Now the sun has gone in. Why didn't he say we're just going for a walk. Fuuuuuuck this all sounds so childish yet it means so bloody much to me. Oh well, maybe next time.

He just left. That would of been the perfect thing to do! I should of done that. Fs, I'm an idiot.
I want to cry about it, but I've been crying to my partner for the last 3 days and I know he is fed up with my crying depressive episodes. What should I say when he comes back up stairs?
how should I act, aaah. I want to cry and say why didn't you come get me, but then I'm screaming to myself why didn't I go down, why didn't I do what you stated.
Not only that we were going out for a walk then his dad turned up here. So he could of got me and went for that walk. Now the sun has gone in. Why didn't he say we're just going for a walk. Fuuuuuuck this all sounds so childish yet it means so bloody much to me. Oh well, maybe next time.

Maybe next time to the walk and seeing his father, hopefully. Bloody hell is so laughable.

 

[Isadeth]

Don't beat yourself up about, instead plan for it for next time if it happens again. See yourself as prepared. Just ask how the visit was with his dad, and maybe go downstairs and get some new coffee. This might be the perfect time anyway if the grandmother is still downstairs to chat with her. I'd let your boyfriend decompress a little bit after his dad's visit. It's stressful for him too and afterwards you guys can talk rationally about it or test the waters with asking genuine questions, "how's your dad doing?" Etc. Showing concern and interest allows you to be seen as part of the solution to the stress instead of adding to it, if that makes sense. But definitely go get some fresh coffee :)

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Kick the door down.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i dont get it that extent but my husband hides my disorders from his mother and i cant say a word. considering shes old school i get that its probably for my own protection but it still makes life difficult and annoying.

as for the in law part i can only think of 2 suggestions. 1) dont worry about. not everyone can nor will like you. although you should stand up to being shoved in the bedroom. if someone doesnt like you (as long as you didnt cause it, which im sure you didnt) then thats their problem and you shouldnt have to suffer for it. 2) figure out why he doesnt like you and try to change his mind.

i hope you figure it out. this isnt the way to treat people

 

[DecidedMnl]

I think that you are a lovable person to have maintained a relationship for that long. I also know it's healthy to allow partners to independently experience things without feeling insecure. But not being a well adjusted person, I can relate to wanting people to like me. And to feeling excluded from that experience. But we really have no control of how others will feel about us. Genuine respect is naturally earned. By trying so much sometimes people end up valuing us less. Try to find peace with your partner's personal relationships. Try to not think of the past too much so that it doesn't inform your future as much. Try to distract yourself right now by watching stuff you enjoy and deliberately ignore those negative feelings. It will pass.

Kick the door down.

Take all the coffee with you back in the room. Shut their lights when you leave hahaha