Discussion Living with the lack of desire to

[NoChoice]

*Walking out of the war zone that is the "Site is too much like social media" thread I posted with scars, gashes, bruises and blood all over me; explosions, gunfire and sounds of chaos going off in background*

As I've mentioned in other threads, if there was a button I could've pressed to ctb I guarantee with 100% certainty I would've pressed it many times, yet I am still here.

What is happening between this decided lack of desire to live and executing a method? Is this purely survival instinct or is it accompanying guilt and doubt that comes with the act of carrying it out? It's so paradoxical and perplexing to me.

Sometimes I even feel a sliver of hope even just for a moment, but then I wonder if there was ever any hope then how would I have been so wrong to press that button with such certainty? Perhaps I am a coward who does not want to inflict any fear or pain on myself, the problem with this assessment is that I live in psychological torture everyday which, in many ways, is worse than pain. How can I have such a desire to ctb yet consistently have it overridden by something else along the way?

 

[suffering]

I understand you perfectly. For months I have lived in a state of zombie-like semi-delirium after trying to ctb and failing to do so. I find some selfish comfort in the fact that even the famous philosophers lived till old age although they declared life as suffering. It's simply too hard to do it, we are built this way. It's easier to prolong the suffering, boredom, futility, old age, etc ... for decades than dealing with the SI. It's too big of a monster to fight, at least for me. There is no point in guilt and safe blame. I am trying to approach this with a cool head and try to find a way to live as comfortably as I can till death finds me. I still lurk here because it's the only place I find some comfort.

 

[NoChoice]

I understand you perfectly. For months I have lived in a state of zombie-like semi-delirium after trying to ctb and failing to do so. I find some selfish comfort in the fact that even the famous philosophers lived till old age although they declared life as suffering. It's simply too hard to do it, we are built this way. It's easier to prolong the suffering, boredom, futility, old age, etc ... for decades than dealing with the SI. It's too big of a monster to fight, at least for me. There is no point in guilt and safe blame. I am trying to approach this with a cool head and try to find a way to live as comfortably as I can till death finds me. I still lurk here because it's the only place I find some comfort.

Yes, initially this site completely pushed me towards ctb but as I have gotten more involved and even met some great friends it's had quite the opposite effect. My suffering is so empty and unchanging that I would almost rather negative emotions constantly than this, which brings me to say that I think I am struggling with deciding or figuring out if even suffering/existing is better than nothingness, which I recognize as a pretty likely outcome of death.

 

[JustAboutDone]

It's one I think most people on here can relate to - if we could just slip through a trap door and cease to exist without having to do anything at all then we would. Oddly, it was answering "yes" to that very question that achieved me a Section way back when the mental health system had beds to spare.

Do you feel any hope for any kind of 'future' at all? Is there a glimmer of something that keeps you going and makes you think there is a chance? I wonder if you can join some groups of people who have experienced your suffering whether that would help you forward? I don't know :-/ it's awful being trapped it a no man's land

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

there are a lot of people who were sucidal for centuries...its just not so easy to kill yourself

 

[suffering]

My suffering is so empty and unchanging that I would almost rather negative emotions constantly than this

I empathize with this. It's built in us as a species, in order to make us keep busy, move around, spread out genes, etc. The best place to be is to have enough health and resources to avoid not only suffering, but also boredom. To be able to travel, etc... Such state would still be less preferable than death, but I suppose it's the least worse case giving that we are stuck here.

 

[ThisIsTheLastNight]

For months I have lived in a state of zombie-like semi-delirium after trying to ctb and failing to do so.

I am in the same situatin as you. I wish the time back when I still had the strength to finish this and had certainty that my pain would not last for decades. It's a fight against our own brain. We had won it in the short term. Now it beats ten times harder. Our brain wants to live, no matter how bad we are and how much we suffer. At the same time it caused us all the problems. There is nothing more selfish than our own brain.

 

[Made4TV]

I have some sneaking suspicion that we will never be able to do it. We attempted on the first of January ('we' have DID, so many of us in this body) and one of us sabatoged it. The person who started the flow of nitrogen thought she had full buy-in and didn't. So we continue to be suicidal but I'm not sure we'll ever be able to do it. Is it hope? Guilt? I don't know.

 

[Kukubananas]

I feel this. It's so excruciatingly hard to ctb. It's completely unfair to want out so badly but not to be able to do it. Its like someone is out there playing a sick joke on us

 

[Struggling]

Been wanting to try since last year. Just not happening/successful. Thinking my method is doomed. The more time goes on the more I want to as everything else has fallen by the wayside.

 

[21Neberg]

The difference is that pressing a button is so, so much easier than preparing a normal suicide method. It takes a 1000x more strength to hang yourself than to push a button to die. If only life was that easy...

 

[Glim]

I understand you perfectly. For months I have lived in a state of zombie-like semi-delirium after trying to ctb and failing to do so. I find some selfish comfort in the fact that even the famous philosophers lived till old age although they declared life as suffering. I

It REAALLLY sucks when your only options are: hanging, falling from a great height, shooting yourself with a musket, sticking your head in a cannon, or


Maybe a guillotine if you lived in France during the enlightenment era

 

[Deleted member 1496]

... with a musket, sticking your head in a cannon, or ...Maybe a guillotine

I wonder if anyone back then tried throwing themselves using a trebuchet.