Do you find it challenging or beneficial to have your close friend in another town?
Well it can be for some, the obsession, but in my case it tends to tie itself to my self worth. It's frustrating more than anything because I'm not always aware I'm doing anything "wrong" until sometime after. By wrong I mean, something selfish or inconsiderate to their needs, oversharing or crossing boundaries, etc. I don't know if it's OCD related.
Oh, okay- I see. I do tend to have these elaborate conversation or scenarios play out in my head sometimes as a way to quell my anxiety. Like playing out the possibilities of a situation before I am immersed in it & cannot leave. Don't know if that would fall under what you'd mentioned as choreography.
Yes, same & often. Perhaps it's our own version of self preservation. I don't feel I need anything from said person, other than their time & attention. I spend a lot of time alone otherwise (even before quarantine). Indeed. That toxic friend or person is hard to shake, though more & more- I feel I am that person. How do you navigate the toxic friend now?
Yes, self-reflection does in fact take work. It can be painstaking & overwhelming trying to sift through thoughts & emotions, which I can understand why some would avoid being face to face with their demons. Sorry to hear about your family.
SIGH. I can appreciate that, it can feel like a fruitless endeavour.
:)
I also find people fascinating, though it may stem more so from fear. There is a possibility, though I didn't have lasting friendships before HS, so around age 15/16. I have told one of my friends about my struggles with relationships (both, romantic & non-romantic) hoping for some understanding, but that is such a vulnerable conversation to have with a person that I haven't been able to do it more than once.
Ugh. I hear you. Fortunately, SS can offer love & support when it's missing IRL. How had you manage to keep it together before joining SS? I've never felt comfortable sharing the most intimate details of my with with others for support. If it does happen it's often out of desperation as my mind feels it's on the verge of eruption (hence the over sharing).
—/—
@UnaccompaniedJourney
Thanks for replying ... I'm going to process this a bit !
I had a bit of a 'manic' phase yesterday on here !
Also ... these are issues that are great to discuss , because I relate to what you are talking about a lot ... but some ideas pop into my head and I begin to second guess myself and say "Is that a helpful thing to say ?" ... or some such .
I have personally connected with a few ideas about childhood trauma and sensitive personality types , family systems (the roles we learn to play in the family of origin ... not at all helpful for real life ... but understanding them can liberate us ...).
Also ... some very bleak Existential concepts that are gloomy and hopeless but also liberating when put into perspective with some negative ideologies that are "accepted cultural narratives".
It's complicated !
Also ... personally , I am crunching into reality after literally years of avoiding it ...
and writing here can feel a little bit like talking it but not walking it.
It would be cool to be able to come on here and rave about "making traction with reality" (fave phrase) rather than pontificate about abstractions of suffering .
Bit of both I guess.
I look forward to discussing more ... I feel like I need to percolate my subconscious a bit maybe ? Oh , and DO some stuff (sitting in bed with coffee and laptop while my world continues to disintegrate ... but also in contrast , possibly becomes less unlivable.)
Confusing !
tldr ; I say a lot about not saying much :/
I'm thinking about 'derealization' which suggests to me the idea of the 'mind body disconnect' ... that I would phase out and not feel present ... but simultaneously NOT KNOW I'm not present ... just taken over by panic , anxiety ,and both of those underlayed with low mood permanent depression. That has been my life time kind of normalized state.
I would do that while 'trying to live a normal life' ... alternating between being emotionally inaccessible to others (closed down) , to manically emotional and frustrated that others couldn't 'get me'.
Solutions ?
Well ... I've found just being able to 'model' these occurrences / situations /events / states of mind in SOME way has helped ... (and a lot of ideas have come from books and from this and other websites ).
"Back in the day" I was lost with no maps at all ... and that was awful.
On the contrarian side , I have never been diagnosed ... and that was my highly trained chameleon people pleaser personality getting in the way of presenting my self accurately to therapists I think .
Complexity splatters all over the place .
A last parting thought (for now ) is a spiritual buzz about having infinite worth as a creature (just like every other creature that is alive )and hold onto that sense of transcendental miraculousness (I find it more comfortable atheistically because of childhood religious trauma ) .
Just "being" is kind of crazily amazing ... and when we are smashed up by our own emotional internal storms it's easy for that sense of amazement to disappear.
I spent most of my life in a spiritual dead zone ... and I still go there .
( Does this emerge from the absence of 'unconditional love ' in our past ? We
practice a lack of acceptance of ourselves ... a lack of self love ? I've realized that's been my buzz ... always feeling "I'm not worthy".)
Sorry for that woo woo conclusion ! (cringe ) .
tldr; actually not doing anything but continueing to vent as wannabe intellectual ,(sigh) .
Oh, okay- I see. I do tend to have these elaborate conversation or scenarios play out in my head sometimes as a way to quell my anxiety. Like playing out the possibilities of a situation before I am immersed in it & cannot leave. Don't know if that would fall under what you'd mentioned as choreography.
Can we generalize our experience , where we are coming from and present that in a neutral zone "in between " ourselves and the other person ?
So we are less exposed ? Less "all in" and demanding of validification (which can be draining to others ... ?)
I came across a book about "relation" many years ago and it switched me on to the concept of "relation" symbolically being a third entity in a dynamic between two peope ... almost like a shared building project , sculpture , play , theatre ... so that both people are equally present and involved and it is 'mutual'.
Then , that can alleviate the potential drama of slipping into 'dysfunctional' roles ... (playing care taker , person needing care etc ).
I always loved that idea .
I think that is how it is with my friend ... (not perfect ) ... but a kind of accepted "historical construct". Who "we" are . In the same way as accepting and celebrating other "We's" however many or few , however valuable long lasting or fleeting .
