disillusionment
Member
- Oct 22, 2020
- 67
Right now I'm living in this shitty little town where several people hate me, trashy neighbours, slumlords who I took to court (and won against) for their illegal behaviour, a repair dude who threatened to punch me and my bf out for no reason, a car wash guy who my bf told off because he hit on me and also called this other couple "coloured people". Basically a town filled with scum who all know each other and I have caused trouble and gotten the wrong kind of attention.
So yeah if I were to CTB, many people in this town would be happy or laugh and make fun of me. Even my slumlord and superintendent probably. The thought of them overseeing my apartment after I'm dead, or them possibly being the ones to find me, when they hate me. The thought of my neighbours smiling or laughing at my death. It disturbs me because I spent a life suffering while others stood by and laughed, even as an innocent child. I probably shouldn't care so much where I die, because I won't be around to see people's reactions when I'm gone, but it does bother me and I don't know why.
I'm angry that I was born and had to suffer and see the extent of human cruelty, and then in the end I will just die and practically no one will be at my funeral. Social anxiety and other mental illnesses and personality issues make you a shitty person to be around, or make you stay in the house all the time, not really a good way to make or keep friends.
So anyway I'm kind of like should I try to continue living and try to turn my life around out of spite, get out of this shit town, before CTB? Just so that my death doesn't become something celebrated by those who hate me? Killing myself feels like letting enemies win. Or should I just go and be at peace? Why do I always have to "win"? There's really no winning in life. I don't even have a method yet though, I'm quite a failure in life and a failure at dying.
One dream I had was to be an author. I'm a total disappointment to my family, I got a university education and yet I am unemployed, too mentally ill to work. My parents worry about me but I guess they have given up expecting anything from me. I dreamed of becoming an author and finally not being such a failure. I'm writing books at the moment but there's just so many distractions. I don't know if I want to stay and try to keep at writing, even though I'm completely miserable and alone, without even a friend to talk to. My mental illness and personality also mean that I am probably better off alone as I ruin friendships and can't connect with other people. Being alone is horrible for me, I've always longed to have friendships and connect with others but I just can't seem to.
Why do I care about things like how people will react to my death, or where I will die? Why do I feel the need to prove myself and not be a failure before dying, why do I want to prove myself to a family that has traumatized me and led me to this point where I want to die?? Why do I feel this need to leave something behind or do something meaningful in my life? Like right now the thought of simply dying after a life of suffering and doing absolutely nothing at all scares me. What was the point of any of this at all? I guess there's no point to this post either. is anyone else struggling with this? Or is anyone else here into writing?
So yeah if I were to CTB, many people in this town would be happy or laugh and make fun of me. Even my slumlord and superintendent probably. The thought of them overseeing my apartment after I'm dead, or them possibly being the ones to find me, when they hate me. The thought of my neighbours smiling or laughing at my death. It disturbs me because I spent a life suffering while others stood by and laughed, even as an innocent child. I probably shouldn't care so much where I die, because I won't be around to see people's reactions when I'm gone, but it does bother me and I don't know why.
I'm angry that I was born and had to suffer and see the extent of human cruelty, and then in the end I will just die and practically no one will be at my funeral. Social anxiety and other mental illnesses and personality issues make you a shitty person to be around, or make you stay in the house all the time, not really a good way to make or keep friends.
So anyway I'm kind of like should I try to continue living and try to turn my life around out of spite, get out of this shit town, before CTB? Just so that my death doesn't become something celebrated by those who hate me? Killing myself feels like letting enemies win. Or should I just go and be at peace? Why do I always have to "win"? There's really no winning in life. I don't even have a method yet though, I'm quite a failure in life and a failure at dying.
One dream I had was to be an author. I'm a total disappointment to my family, I got a university education and yet I am unemployed, too mentally ill to work. My parents worry about me but I guess they have given up expecting anything from me. I dreamed of becoming an author and finally not being such a failure. I'm writing books at the moment but there's just so many distractions. I don't know if I want to stay and try to keep at writing, even though I'm completely miserable and alone, without even a friend to talk to. My mental illness and personality also mean that I am probably better off alone as I ruin friendships and can't connect with other people. Being alone is horrible for me, I've always longed to have friendships and connect with others but I just can't seem to.
Why do I care about things like how people will react to my death, or where I will die? Why do I feel the need to prove myself and not be a failure before dying, why do I want to prove myself to a family that has traumatized me and led me to this point where I want to die?? Why do I feel this need to leave something behind or do something meaningful in my life? Like right now the thought of simply dying after a life of suffering and doing absolutely nothing at all scares me. What was the point of any of this at all? I guess there's no point to this post either. is anyone else struggling with this? Or is anyone else here into writing?
