Venting Living on borrowed time

[dreamsofdestruction]

I wanted to be gone by the end of this month. I'm still here and the month is almost over. There isn't that much time left until another disaster is likely to strike and makes everything much more difficult and less easy to plan. Either do it now on my own terms (somewhat) or do it hastily on someone else's terms later.

I didn't even get half of the things I wanted to do done. Looking back at the swath of destruction I've left makes me cry and despair, looking ahead at death still scares me. But there's nothing else left. Most of the time I'm not really driven by the hope of finding peace ahead but by fear of everything that's behind me.

Nobody really talks to me anymore and I don't really talk to people anymore and I wouldn't even know what to say. Even posting here makes me paranoid and gives me anxiety attacks sometimes, but I can't keep it all inside all the time.

This sucks.

There's no need to write a reply I guess, I just needed to post it somewhere.

 

[Rachel74]

Why did you want to CTB by the end of Oct?

 

[WhiteDespair]

Best wishes. The past is an annoying thing.

 

[Stan]

Setting a timetable is good and bad, I know. doing it on your own terms is always the best way. I hope you get through whatever ails you at the moment

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

Why did you want to CTB by the end of Oct?

At the beginning it just seemed to be a reasonable timeframe to get things in order. Things happened though and now there's the threat that someone might send people after me because I was too careless with who I told about being suicidal.

Not someone who cares, mind you, but someone who wants the responsibility off them. Which I can understand, but now that has become another fire burning beneath me.

 

[A New Error]

I understand your feelings very well here.
I feel the same way to upmost almost every point.

No need for replies either, just wanted to share.