Venting Living is torture

[alysxo]

I have not been on this website in a while, but recently it has felt as though my gut has been communicating with me on a greater extent - why am I living on a world which I do not want to be associated with? To wake up everyday, and feel ashamed for my heart beating. Just wishing every damn minute in my head I could be anywhere but Planet Earth. We are forced to live when we simply do not want to. For a very long time I have imagined a button, a red button, you enter this small room, which can be willingly accessed at any time with privacy and dignity. All it would take is pushing it down, to be honest wouldn't think twice. We all know that will not be a thing any time soon. I meam, if that room was freely accessible then everyone would do it. So I think that there could be a way to apply: no judgement and if the assessors thought you were in a sort of distress - feeling confident that escaping this world would benefit you: escaping would be possible. What a dream. Instead what we get are a bunch of people giving lists to live - you experience this - you wont have the enjoyment of this and that. Yeah, but what if you did not want that? Even the thought of dying does not even bother me, I do not know about you all but if we could all escape from this world right now, that would be a miracle. Why does attempting have to take hundreds of attempts, sure some will say because 'you cannot leave yet' but it hurts so bad when all you want to do is ctb however it is never possible because it is always about finding the 'sweet spot', researching all sorts of methods, purchasing materials or trying over and over again just to fail, sinking into a deeper hole of desperation. I could have carried on wanting to live if I wanted to but society has become way too difficult. I barely communicate with anyone becauae everytime I do people display their true persona. I also do not want a relationship for the same reason : a waste of life and I genuinely have no energy. Actually, I do not have energy for anything. I do not want to achieve anything in my life, just simple Suicide. The only way I would have a burst of energy is slowly fading out after coming up with a brilliant foolproof plan. I have tried making plans but there is not many options. I live with my parent, I could order some rope if I wanted to, or materials. Unfortunately my parent has an obsession with opening up parcels whatever it is, even if it belongs to me. I cannot even imagine how they would react seeing a set of braided rope in a cardboard box. I also know some of you will say - move out. However it is not possible right now, I have had a very difficult childhood and I am also a disabled adult. I have been researching for quite a long time now and I seriously do not know what to do at this moment of time. Would love someone to be the hero and replied with a doable way, with moderate not severe pain scales. Because staying on this planet I do not want to be on is torture, but it is lovely to see a lot of members in the same position I am in, rather nice you know. It is very late for me here, so I will be heading off. If anyone has anything they would like to send or relate to please go ahead, looking forward to get to know you all.