I am going through the hardest crisis in my life, all triggered by my ex breaking up with me out of the blue to replace me with another man. Right now I'm stable, but I wish I weren't because I feel no hope: nothing in my life has changed and I've got no will to go on, I'm just drifting along because I haven't had the courage to ctb because of my mother. I don't feel profoundly in pain or suicidal, but I know I hate myself and my life and that there's no reason to have any hope. It's like a battle with myself in which my own body doesn't allow me to feel the way I should feel.
I've been diagnosed with depression for around 12 years now, was medicated for a while. I've dedicated myself all these years to keep trying, to rise up after my first ex left me for another man after a relationship of almost five years. I've been trying to follow my childhood dream of racing cars, even at a very amateur and low-budget level, and trying to fix the mistake of picking a wrong bachelor's. In 2023 I was in a place in life in which I was the best version of myself, not everything was perfect, but I was motivated to keep going and give life my best shot.
Then I met her. I was happy. I worked on myself, on my projects, I did my best to work on having a stable future which I didn't at the time. She made me an ultimatum, asked me to promise her a future together when she knew full well I wasn't yet in the capacity of offering because I had no clear career path, and then she dumped me for another guy. A guy who, according to friends in common and even her own mother, is inferior to me in every regard. But what does that matter if she chose him? Maybe he's better than me. Maybe being an MMA trainer that got kicked off the army for mental health reasons is better than being a published journalist and literary translator who speaks three languages and can handle a car without brakes at 170 km/h. Other aspects in my life are better, my friends and family, but that's it. Professionally I'm barely going anywhere and the past few racing seasons have been nothing but an absolute soul-crushing disappointment.
I want to get back together with her. The relationship was very good, not perfect of course, but I felt loved and she did too. No fights, no abuse, just love, cuddling, cooking together, making love, watching Gossip Girl together after eating an extra large pepperoni just by ourselves. She said very often it was the best relationship she'd ever been in. The day she broke up with me she said she thought I was the love of her life and that she thought we'd end up marrying. Fifteen days before that she said she'd love me forever and would wait for me. I have a lot of trauma associated with rejection, with romantic failure, so much so my current therapist mentioned I may now have complex trauma. I always got back on my feet, hoping finally for a win, maybe not the love of my life because I know that's something you build with time, but at least for a love that wouldn't destroy me if it ended. We always said the purpose of the relationship was to take care of each other and help each other heal. And there she is, happy, despite having been unfair; and here I am, venting here, asking a question.
How do I go through and end it all? How do I convince my body of what I already know so I don't feel this conflict, this limbo, this horrible contradiction of my soul not wanting to fight anymore and my body and mind ready to get back into the ring? A ten year project of self-improvement has just gone to shit and I'm gonna be 32 on Wednesday, she probably won't write on my birthday either, and I don't want to keep going because I have no reason to believe that things will get better. They haven't, despite all my best efforts. Life is so unfair, why insist?
God, please, bring back my Michi or end me already.
I've been diagnosed with depression for around 12 years now, was medicated for a while. I've dedicated myself all these years to keep trying, to rise up after my first ex left me for another man after a relationship of almost five years. I've been trying to follow my childhood dream of racing cars, even at a very amateur and low-budget level, and trying to fix the mistake of picking a wrong bachelor's. In 2023 I was in a place in life in which I was the best version of myself, not everything was perfect, but I was motivated to keep going and give life my best shot.
Then I met her. I was happy. I worked on myself, on my projects, I did my best to work on having a stable future which I didn't at the time. She made me an ultimatum, asked me to promise her a future together when she knew full well I wasn't yet in the capacity of offering because I had no clear career path, and then she dumped me for another guy. A guy who, according to friends in common and even her own mother, is inferior to me in every regard. But what does that matter if she chose him? Maybe he's better than me. Maybe being an MMA trainer that got kicked off the army for mental health reasons is better than being a published journalist and literary translator who speaks three languages and can handle a car without brakes at 170 km/h. Other aspects in my life are better, my friends and family, but that's it. Professionally I'm barely going anywhere and the past few racing seasons have been nothing but an absolute soul-crushing disappointment.
I want to get back together with her. The relationship was very good, not perfect of course, but I felt loved and she did too. No fights, no abuse, just love, cuddling, cooking together, making love, watching Gossip Girl together after eating an extra large pepperoni just by ourselves. She said very often it was the best relationship she'd ever been in. The day she broke up with me she said she thought I was the love of her life and that she thought we'd end up marrying. Fifteen days before that she said she'd love me forever and would wait for me. I have a lot of trauma associated with rejection, with romantic failure, so much so my current therapist mentioned I may now have complex trauma. I always got back on my feet, hoping finally for a win, maybe not the love of my life because I know that's something you build with time, but at least for a love that wouldn't destroy me if it ended. We always said the purpose of the relationship was to take care of each other and help each other heal. And there she is, happy, despite having been unfair; and here I am, venting here, asking a question.
How do I go through and end it all? How do I convince my body of what I already know so I don't feel this conflict, this limbo, this horrible contradiction of my soul not wanting to fight anymore and my body and mind ready to get back into the ring? A ten year project of self-improvement has just gone to shit and I'm gonna be 32 on Wednesday, she probably won't write on my birthday either, and I don't want to keep going because I have no reason to believe that things will get better. They haven't, despite all my best efforts. Life is so unfair, why insist?
God, please, bring back my Michi or end me already.
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